pregnancy number 6

its crazy when the nurse asks me what pregnancy this is for me.  6th.  thats a lot of little babies, but only one sweet miracle to show for it.

pregnancy number 6 was a surprise.  we never wanted to prevent again since we have had trouble in the past.  we actually were trying to be careful b/c i was going to mexico.  well God had a plan for us and the pee stick had 2 lines.  shocked but excited of course!  blood levels more than doubled like they needed to.  first u/s was only at 5w5d so we expected to just see growth but no heartbeat yet.  everything measured right on schedule and actually even a few days ahead which is a bonus!  next week we went back for another u/s and baby measure a few days ahead again and a strong hb of 126 for only 6w4d.  so they asked if i wanted to come back again the next week but i said lets wait a week and half to spread things out.  so at 8w2d i was nervous like i am for every appt but there were no signs of anything bad to come.  i was feeling nauseous and tired a lot.  the dr started the scan.  im pretty much a pro u/s tech now and can tell right away whats happening.  there was no little flicker for heart and baby was very still.  i watched him take a measurement of size and it said 7w4d.  i just looked away and cried.  he doesn't have to say a word b/c i already know whats happening.  he calls in an u/s tech to get another opinion.  she turns on the colorful tool where you can see blood flow.  there was no color on baby.  i could see tyson searching the screen and looking confused.  we always know its a possibility but we were kind of surprised.  with other pregnancies we had indications that things weren't good.  not this time.  we discussed different options of what to do now.  we decided to go with the d&c.  i didn't want to labor at home on the couch and have to take care of a child while go through this painful (mentally and physically) method.  plus last time we did the induction meds it took a few weeks to complete everything with 2 rounds of meds.  i am also hoping the d&c helps my body to get my hormones back to normal.  its no fun feeling tired and sick when theres nothing to be tired and sick for.

so the bad news came tuesday, and today we had the d&c.  its odd b/c i dont feel like im giving myself time to grieve right now.  i was worried about hazel and what if something happened to me.  i also think im just numb.  i remember going through the loss of my parents there were points i just could not physically cry anymore.  my brain detaches and just feels lost.  actually at my dads burial i didnt even cry.  i just stood there in a zone.  i remember someone asking if i was okay b/c i wasnt crying.  i just got tired.  tired of feeling, crying, hurting.  so my brain just stops.  i feel like this is what im going through this week.  i do cry at times (right now while i type), but other times its like im not connecting what it happening.  TMI: it used to be every bathroom trip was emotional seeing what was going on with other losses.  im not letting myself really make that connection this time.

okay back to today... so of course they schedule a pregnant lady's, who is starving and nauseous when you dont eat, surgery for the afternoon so you cant eat from midnight on.  they gave me a nausea patch and some meds in my iv to help.  speaking of the iv... i always tell the vampires my veins are not cooperative.  they look at you like 'ive heard it all before... whatev'.  i told the lady some of my past horror stories and she says 'i wont stick you 50 times like that'.  shes eating those words.  she tried my elbow first.  first you get the numbing meds that sting like a mother.  then comes the iv... twist, turn, in, out, wait its no longer in, okay i think i got it, oh your arm is ballooning up, the vein blew and all the fluid is going under your arm.  so she takes it out then painfully is trying to push hard to get all the fluid out.  i just wanted to scream stop.  tyson was holding me and reminding me to breathe.  i thought i was but each time he said it i realized i wasn't.  so then onto the wrist.  numbing meds, burning, dang i cant get it again, in, out, okay i guess ill call someone else to try, then she finally got it.  i have needle phobia and these bitches wonder why.  [needles]s to say, my arms are swollen and bruised.  (wonder how i will explain that at work since i told everyone my husband had surgery).

so after that trauma, my dr came in.  he is new and tuesday was the first time we met.  he is the head of the ob team and i really like him.  today impressed me even more.  he walked in and recognized us right away.  he had talked to our specialist we went to with hazel and he just remembered everything they talked about and so much history about me.  i finally feel like i have a dr who remembers me and cares. all others are nice but i just dont stand out in their mind.  hes very caring, knowledgable, and thorough. i met the rest of the crew and then headed back.  it didnt take long to be off in sleepy land.  i woke up crying for hazel.  i just kept saying i missed my daughter.  they nurse started crying and saying i know.  i realized she was confused.  i explained i have a living child and i was missing her.  and glad to be alive :)  i recovered quickly this time.  the dr said i did hemorrhage again but not bad or not too long i guess.  he said im just a bleeder.  he put some cytotec up my bum again to help do the work.  but finally food and drink.  well just saltines and sprite but i downed those puppies.  i was ready to get out of there and see my girl.  her hugs and kisses made me feel great.  now im home and in bed, wondering why i cant sleep when i took a strong pain pill over an hr ago.  i felt the need for blogging.  lots of thoughts running through my mind tonight.

i know things are still fresh, but the thought of having more children is always on my mind.  im soooo not ready for awhile.  maybe 6 months to a year at least.  but my concern is tyce.  he was done after pregnancy number 3.  im glad he finally got on board with keeping trying b/c we have a little girl from the perseverance.  but he seems very adamant about no more trying now.  i just dont see haze as an only child or us having no more children.  i am extremely blessed to have her and understand im lucky to have a child.  and i absolutely dont want to go through loss again.  but i always wonder what if.  what if that next time would work.  what if it was just so easy next time.  i guess we will have time to decide.

in the meantime i need to get back to me!  ive been so tired and nauseous and lazy.  ive been feeling like a bad wife and mom.  when i had all my m/c before i got in such a depression from feeling like constant crap.  fluctuating hormones makes you tired, sick, depressed.  i feel like a crazy mess and hate it.  i just want to be that fun wife and mommy again and enjoying life.  im hoping things feel normal again soon.  hazel keeps me motivated to get in the right frame of mind to try to get there.  hopefully i can start working out and doing things to make myself feel good.

well hopefully this pill will kick in soon and i can get sleep.  peace and love.

blog slacker

sorry i haven't posted in so long.  i keep thinking of things to post about then don't.  so what's been happening in our life?  not too much really...

hazel is pretty much running.  its hard to even remember her not walking.  the past couple months she is getting allllll her teeth in.  shes only had her top 4 and bottom 2 since I think like 10 months and now canines, incisors, molars, and all are coming in at once!  fun times!  last month she started putting 2 words together and this month has put 3 words together a few times.  well intelligible words... she tells long stories often but i dont understand it all.  shes a talker.  she really likes to talk about poop.  maddie poop (the dogs-she refers to both of them as maddie), daddy poop.  i always wonder if she talks about our little family pooping when shes at daycare and what they think about it.  she names all her friends at daycare.  she just picks up on things i dont even teach her.  before i left for mexico she was singing twinkle twinkle little star.  you cant understand all the words, but its pretty adorable.  when i came back from mexico she was singing abc's... again its mostly just 'A, B, A, B...' to the tune.  its cute.  theres plenty more funny things she says but i wont bore you with my mommy proudness.  she had therapy yesterday.  her therapist feels she is doing well but she really should not have any slip through under her arms and still does quite a bit.  she said long ago that crawling would help strengthen those muscles and she crawled for a long time but apparently it didn't strengthen them enough.  so we will continue working on pulling things down with resistance or apart like we have for the past year.  she also said to continue working on core exercises b/c hazel falls back and hits her head often.  her core isn't strong enough to hold her up when she falls down.  but at least most of her delays aren't noticeable by others.

we are loving that it is warmer out and we can play outside everyday.  tyson runs while i ride my back with hazel on the back.  hazel loves playing with her car, shopping cart, chalk, bubbles, water table, slide, sandbox, and picnic table outside.  and tomorrow hazel is getting her dad a bike for fathers day so we can go bike riding together!

tyson and i still do our monthly date nights.  tonight we are headed to a nice italian restaurant on the hill that we have a gift card to.  luckily hazel goes to bed at 7 every night so we get date nights most nights tysons off.  even if its just popcorn and a movie on the couch.

hopefully i will be better about updating.  i will try to upload some pictures soon!  happy summer everyone!

April

I've been slacking on the blog front.  April flew by.  We are pretty boring lately.  Just work, daycare, and sickness for us.  We went to the zoo last week but it must have been field trip day b/c it was packed with kids and chaperones (I can't wait to do that stuff :) ).  Haze liked to people watch rather than look at the animals.  She loved riding the choo choo.  It was fun seeing her so excited about it.

Hazel:  She's walking all over.  I rarely see her crawl anymore.  She seems like such a big girl lately with walking and talking.  Her favorite new word is "no".  So fun ;)  I shouldnt, but I giggle when she says it b/c its too cute.  She love going (out)'side'.  We are ready for this week of warm weather to get back out.  She got a little set of clubs and daddy is teaching her how to golf.  We will have her 18 month appt in a few weeks and I'm excited to go to a normal appt and only hear positive things :)  Her pt appt is a few weeks after that and I think we will be discharged at that point!

Tyson:  He's back to running!  He swore he was done when he found out he more torn cartilage in the 'good' bad knee.  A few injections, and now he thinks he is superman!  Hoping he doesn't hurt his knees to the point of being able to not do much working out at all.  Other than that, work training and more work.

Dana:  I've been busy with Anna's wedding stuff.  We threw her a shower a few weekends ago and the bach party is coming up soon.  Then the first week in June to Mexico for her wedding!  I'm so excited to have a few days alone to relax and celebrate with my BFF.  But I will be sad to leave my little fam for those days.  Since that is coming up I am going to wean Haze this month.  I'm nervous for this.  I know I have done a great job making it this far, but I do feel a little guilt stopping since she doesnt drink whole milk.  Thankfully she is a pretty good eater.  Work is going well.  Flexibility, less hours, more money, and LOVING what you are doing-it doesnt get much better than that.  I am running my first 5k in years in just 3 weeks.  I haven't started training yet YIKES!  I'm sick right now so its kind of hindering it.  And well I just decided to do this a few days ago.  Hazel will pushed in her stroller by her gparents while Tyce and I run.  Let hope I finish!!  

Happy almost May, blog followers!

P.S.  My sister is having a baby girl!!  Sooo excited for them :))))

toddler

we officially OFFICIALLY have a toddler on our hands.  at 15 months haze took 3 slow and controlled steps on her own and then decided not to do that again for a few weeks.  over the next month we sat further and further apart trying to get her to go back in forth between us b/c this was the only way she would do it.  she wasnt doing it on her own.  at 16 months she would make it pretty far between us.  and just the past few weeks she has started doing it without us telling her to stand up and walk.  ill turn around and see her determined to make it from the chair to the couch all on her own.  its really cute.  most of the time she still prefers to hold on to a finger when walking.  i think b/c she can go faster (and of course helps with balance)!!  i finally feel at ease more with our decisions not to do further testing.  we know she will always have low tone and have little struggles but not that anyone will be able to notice.  im hoping that is all it is and nothing else comes to surface over the next few years.  im ready to put therapy and neurologists in the past!!  buuut shes not out of therapy just yet.  we usually go once a month but since she made great progress this last month she doesnt have to go back for 2-3 months!  in the 1st year of life they have so many physical milestones and now that she is walking (well at least 50% of the time) we are just working on strengthening.  we started therapy 1 year ago and she said we would see her until hazel walked but we didn't know she had low tone at this point.  now im not sure when therapy ends?  maybe after climbing? jumping?

and she officially starts in the toddler room at daycare this week!  im so thrilled!  it will be great for her in so many ways!  its crazy how fast time is going by with my 'baby'.  she's such a sweetheart and makes life wonderful!  happy easter!

werd

people have been asking for an update but im behind as usual :)  we met with dr ben in the midst of the blizzard thursday.  i was waiting for him to bring up the issue from reading her reports.  he wanted to know where we were at with everything and we told him we never did anything after seeing the neuro. i explained my thoughts and reasons for waiting on testing and he said he was comfortable with waiting and seeing how she progresses and we will revisit the issue every time we see him.  he also said he wouldn't have noticed the low tone if he hadn't known so that was positive for me to hear.  but he did say that MD isnt diagnosed until later and then i for some reason got really worried again and was questioning myself.  he explained things well and i held back the tears.  he thinks it wont change our treatment plan right at this moment.  and he explained hydrocephalus and how her head is measuring big but the jumps up in percentile were not huge and not a concern at all.  thats all we wanted to know people!!  why couldnt someone have explained that to us before when we were asking??  he also said he would refer us to STL if we decide to go back for testing.  so overall it was a good appt.  he asked if she could say 6 words and i said probably 20 :)  and honestly in the past few days she has just started repeating everything!!  you can tell her to say any word and she usually will say it pretty close.  aaaaaand on friday she took 3 steps 2 different times!!  she took her time and did it slowly-not like falling walking into something.  everyone says watch out!  but tyson and i both said, we know our little lady and she still probably wont do that again for a few weeks!  shes not daring.  she likes to perfect her skills before using them often.  i said she will be walking by 16 months so that gives her a month to work on it!

ive been working like crazy lately!  getting so many patients.  i actually have a lot of kids im seeing right now which is neat and a few adults.  im loving so many new challenging things to research and refresh my memory on how to do different techniques.  i am loving my job!!!  the best decision i ever made (besides marrying tyson and having a baby) is taking this job!!  life is good! :)

update

its been a rough couple weeks and ive wrote a few blogs then deleted them before i could hit 'publish'.  we feel like hazel is doing really well-shes balancing so well and will even walk if you are just holding onto one of her hands.  and she has stood up in the middle of a room without holding onto anything a few times :)  but when we went to the dr for an ear check up she was really pushy about going through with the neurologist's testing recommendations.  so then i start questioning myself and reading a lot of muscular dystrophy and how most kids arent diagnosed until age 4 b/c they are so mild and then i worry myself that my little baby has a degenerative disease that i am too scared get a for sure diagnosis.  ei came and kind of left it up to us if we wanted her to have services b/c she was borderline for gross motor skills (she was above expectations on everything else :) ).  we decided against it b/c with our income we have to pay a pretty good amount for their services and talked like they might just check in once a month.  also, all 3 professionals were AT LEAST a 1/2 hr late and im just not cool with all their last minute cancelling/rescheduling/excuses.  i love our pt in springfield and its worth the drive to me to get quality care.

back to the testing.  ive tried to not talk to tyson too much about my indecisions.  hes getting frustrated with it all b/c he knows nothing is wrong with our little perfect baby!  i feel like that too but i just dont want to be wrong and regret putting off the testing.  so we switched drs to our favorite dr ben!  im excited to meet with him next week to get his opinion.  tyson said if he suggests we go forward he is willing to start with at least the blood and urine tests.  im thinking either way he will put our mind at ease b/c he is good about explaining things which we feel like hasnt happened thus far.

so today i feel good about her progress.  next week i may be confused again.  all i know is that my little lady is progressing so nicely and im sure she will be walking before the 18 month mark (i think it will be 16 months).  oh and her pt thinks she might not have to have shoe inserts!!  we have been doing toe stretches b/c shes curls her toes under so much due to poor balance and trying to grip the floor that they can become tight and permanently curled.  we are still working on core weak muscles too but we feel like shes doing amazing.

i hope everyone had a wonderful valentine's day!  we sure did :)  xoxo

hypotonic babe

ive been reading more and more about hypotonia.  wikipedia says even in the first paragraph that diagnosing the cause of hypotonia is often unsuccessful.  it goes on to say that it can be helped with early intervention.  we have the ei coordinator coming by today to fill out paper work for hazel to be evaluated but she made sure to tell me on the phone that it has to be effecting education and at least a 30% delay to qualify.  this information i already know and all my spec ed background will help me make a case that it is linked to education in so many ways.  im so glad i dont have a job like this lady's anymore.  its not her fault, but spec ed has changed so much and its so hard to get your kids help.  with a diagnosis she acted like we may be able to get the services.  but in a previous post you read that we wont be doing that anytime soon.  silly you have to have a label and wait until there is a huge gap of delays to receive treatment.

sorry im getting side tracked.... back to info about hypotonia.  down the road we may see difficulties with gross motor things like riding a bike, climbing, falling down stairs easily, running, etc.  possibly difficulties with potty training, standing for long periods, sitting in a chair for long periods like for school and such, and handwriting is difficult for hypotonic kids because it take a lot of trunk support.  who would have known.  i already notice hazel leaning forward onto her hands a lot if shes been sitting and playing awhile.  it gives her little body a rest.  but hypotonic kids can have really bad posture b/c of this too.

also, when we were at the neuro appt the dr turned to the student who was in the room and explained to her that babies with low tone have big bellies like hazel does.  didnt know this either.  i have read a lot about their doughy skin and hazel has this.  but i guess i didnt realize all her rolls and baby fat that is still there is due to this too.  i guess it makes sense.  we all talk about 'toning up'.  well hazel's tone will always be low so although she can increase muscle strength, she may be a little soft :)  if any of you have seen teen mom there is that little twin girl on there with low tone and she has the rolls like my haze.

most research says that hypotonia can be considered a type of muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy.  a lot of the tests they were going to do on hazel could have told us this, but if they came back negative i think you can still classify it into either of these categories based on symptoms.  they dont think the problem is in hazels brain, but in her muscles.  to us it doesnt really matter.  some people have such mild forms of things such as cp and never would know it.  it will still be the same treatment.  if things are hard for her in school and we feel like we need some sort of diagnosis for accommodations to be made we may do it at that time.

so theres a little more info on hypotonia for any of you curious readers!  wish me luck today!  maybe ill show her that wikipedia says we need ei :)