bein sick sucks

here come the aches, the pains, the sore throat, the sniffles... booooo. hopefully it goes away soon. emotionally i have been doing really well lately. trying to stay positive, or maybe its just me kind of shutting off stuff for awhile. physically im feeling good. i think we may have to do bloodwork to see if my hcg is back to 0 before any other tests are done. we have our post op appt this friday so hopefully we will find out some stuff then. although im not ready to find out the sex just yet. i dont want it to ruin our weekend. its tj's bday weekend. im sure he is ready for the dr to give us the okay to have an extra good bday weekend. ha! im taking him on a surprise get away friday night, saturday and sunday (his bday) he works, then monday im hoping just to grill out at home and play some washers or something. buuuuut if im sick all weekend, then my plans might just not work. well i better rest up on the couch so i can get to feeling better. have a wonderful week all! xo

lots of thoughts going through my mind today

and hopefully this is my final post of the day. i just discovered that on our chromosome report, it will tell us the sex of our baby :( i mean i guess i should have known that, but i was thinking more about the cause of our baby not making it. why does this make everything seem more sad? its like it just makes it that much more real that we lost a baby. do we not use the boy or girl name we liked in the future b/c it was meant for this one? do we call this baby by that name? it never got that far into pregnancy that i had thought about all these things. it makes me sad, but i am still curious and feel like i have to find out now. my day has truly been a roller coaster... up... down.... up.... down.

no offfense

but i truly have the best husband in the world!! he lets me go through every emotion and feeling with more understanding than anyone ever could! he understands everything about me and loves me even though im crazy. so that makes me the luckiest girl alive. just thought i would rub it in :)

today is an emotional day

tears have been forming very easily today. i got a call from my specialist and i was tearing up before i even answered. still no news on the chromosome testing of little baby. my friend brought her little newborn into work today so i got to snuggle with him a bit and soon im heading to go see my new little cousin who is 1 day old. so i think that may also contribute to my emotional roller coaster today.

some thoughts going through my head: all of these thoughts about us stopping permanently is weighing heavy on me. i want the drs to tell me something is so wrong that we have to stop for good and i can have an excuse to give up. then the next second i think, but what if next time would have been IT! then the next second i think, but what if next time we think everything is fine and we make it to 20+ weeks and lose baby then. we already have sad memories of all of our losses (my ultrasound pics when we saw and heard baby's heart beating on my night stand). we dont want memories of a baby that we saw or held that we weren't going home with. hub is just so over this baby business and ready to move on with our childless lives. one second im there with him, but the mother in me has some hope that maybe it could happen some day. and now not only do i have horrible fears of having a stillborn, but im petrified that if our child lived they would have so many other disabilities. is all of this worth it? lots of thoughts going through our brains and not happy ones. just sucks that this whole pregnancy experience has hurt us so much and been so much negativity in our lives. 2 years of our lives have been consumed into baby making, pregnancy, and loss (okay the 3rd part was only the bad part). for now we are just excited to get back to our lives for awhile and focus on ourselves. although, i wish i knew if it was for good or only temporary. hopefully our visit next friday will give us some idea of that.

all the pregnant ladies

this is how i was gonna announce my pregnancy to my blogspot buddies. i figured i would still share the funny video :) enjoy!!

I like this....

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

today is a great day!!

the postpartum hormone changes are really kicking in! last night i was a complete freaking mess for the 1st time since we found out our bad news and today im the happiest person you have ever met! :) i had a huge pity party last night, but woke up this morning and decided to put on an outfit rather than the same pair of pjs ive been wearing all week! oh and i showered! yes i feel a little more normal today! and i got an exciting call this morning from one of my best friends and was asked to be the Godmother of her son! i am soooo extremely ecstatic! so that may be part of the reasoning behind my wonderful mood.

so i got myself up and moving and made a trip to the patch (aka Litchfield). i did a little bogo shopping at payless, school shopping at dollar tree, and food shopping at aldi. i also met my momma for lunch at pizza hut which was $5 all you can eat today! let me tell you this day has just been full of all kinds of goodies :)

now it is probably time for a nap. i havent done that much in quite awhile. plus school starts tomorrow so i gotta take advantage of my last couch day!! i hope everyone has a good week! i know i will with old sweatlers food here and getting back into a schedule with work! love to all!

percocet is my friend

so yesterday was the big day. we arrived at barnes-jewish hospital early in the morning to sit in a crowded room with everyone else waiting for their turn at surgery. i had to get some blood work 1st. a type and screen (which i have had this blood test done 1 million times and i dont understand b/c i dont think my blood type is gonna change anytime soon). and they also checked my hcg level which i dont know what it matters. then we were taken to my room to change into the awesomely huge pants and gown made for an extra extra extra large man. we met the nurse, the nurse for surgery, the anesthesiologist, the anesthesiologist nurse, the resident for my dr, the fellow for my dr, then finally my dr (who was a 1/2 hr past surgery time). tyson thought we might get to meet the custodian for our room as well but we werent that lucky. everyone kinda told you the same thing with varying information. risks are death, death, or death. or if we puncture your bowel or bladder then death. from anesthesia you might die. then 1 person says it only takes 20 minutes, another says 30, and another an hour. i didn't wake up til 3 hours later and so confused why. finally got moved to the second recovery and waited patiently for tj and mom while i ate graham crackers and drank sprite. it was now 215 and i thought we would be HOME by 130. ha. so finally my mom and tyce come see me and tell me how my procedure went b/c i never saw any of the drs after i went into my deep sleep. they told me everything went okay but i bled more than usual so they gave me a few shots in the thigh (no wonder my leg muscle was killing me) and 3 pills up the bumhole. i guess these medicines make your uterus contract so it will stop bleeding. so i bled quit a bit yesterday but it has slowed down a lot today and my pain is a lot better. this morning my throat was kinda scratchy from the tube and just sleepy from my meds. hoping these hormones don't hit me like a train. school starts next week and i wanna be a normal human being by then. have a good weekend everyone.

today sucks

i am so bored today. i need to be cleaning myself but instead ive been staring at this computer for the past 2 hours. i think im just nervous for tomorrow. i know there will be no sleeping for this girl tonight. right now tysons sleeping and everyone else is working. but i dont feel like being around many people anyways besides hub and mom. just wish i could get myself motivated to stay busy today. im doing the opposite. looking stuff up online and going in circles is such a smart idea. yes i am sad thinking about what is actually happening tomorrow (bye bye baby) but i think im getting nervous about all the stuff before. just being in a hospital gown in a cold hospital room. needles-fucking hate needles. ill be crying more about that than anything else. ive had more needle sticks in the past few months than i ever had in my life combined but after the fainting incident, im a major phobic. the whole atmosphere makes me want to cry. tube down my throat-ouch. you feel like your going to a dark place you might not come back from. i just hope they see im a freak, numb my arm (nice people do that for me), get the iv in, and give me that good stuff where i feel higher than a kite til they actually put me under. that stuff is the only good part of surgery. okay im giving myself a tummy ache. wish me luck.

8 weeks and 1 day

so here is my recent history for those of you who don't know:

july 8-positive pregnancy test

july 9-hcg of 35

july 12- hcg of 187 (only has to double from the first number and went up x6!!)

july 16- hcg of 870 ish (dont remember exact number but still looking great)

gone on vaca next week so couldnt do my 5 week u/s

july 26- 6w0d u/s measuring 5w0d. we were concerned b/c we know exactly when i ovulate so dates shouldnt be off but everyone seemed like it was normal to be off

aug 2- 7w0d u/s #2 measured 6w0d. heartbeat 89. good that the baby grew exactly a week in a week but nervous about low hb. but hb starts around 80 so again everyone says it could have just started.

aug 10- 8w1d u/s #3 measured smaller than last week and no hb. when i asked why it would be smaller rather than just stop growing and she said it starts "disintegrating". that term made us about puke.

are hearts are broken for the 4th time. we have lost a lot of hope b/c they said chances after 4 losses aren't good. we talked about possible causes of why and she mentioned possibly "bad eggs" is the most common when no other tests show up. we've been giggling b/c tyson thought she would say something in me isn't fully developed b/c im so small, but instead i might have eggs of a 50 year old. funny how i hit puberty at like 18 and all the good eggs are gone already. guess i shoulda got knocked up in high school if i wanted kids. sperm and egg donors were brought up and just a lot of overwhelming decisions. ill have a d&c friday and they will test the fetus. pray that i do not m/c naturally before then (funny how i asked for the exact opposite last time). im pretty nervous to go under friday, but ready for some answers hopefully. time for a nap now b/c my brain is killing me! happy day people.

dont wanna go back

why cant i finish all the touch-ups from my house project? i havent organized my closets or done all those things on my summer to do list. i didnt even read a book!!! man i suck at life. i guess ill just continue to lay on the couch and watch e! until school starts.