and the results are in...

it is definitely a blighted ovum. the gestational sac grew since last week but still no yolk sac or fetal pole. so i will stop the progesterone tonight and hopefully that will make me miscarry by the weekend but it may not. they never checked my progesterone to see if i actually have low levels; they just put me on it b/c i had 2 m/c and it doesn't hurt anything to take it. so if i do actually have low levels or maybe just from the fast withdraw of progesterone, i should m/c naturally. if i don't in 2 weeks, i go back to see her and they put me on medicine to dilate and contract the uterus. my appointment with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is in 3 weeks and she obviously wants me to be back to normal so they can go forward with testing, etc. she agrees with me not wanting to do a d&c, but she didn't exactly say at what point they would make me get one. so lets pray we won't even have to think about that.

***oh i forgot to add in this post earlier that i do have a tilted uterus they forgot to tell me about for the past 10 years, but she looked every which way to make sure there was no baby hiding. they said my cervix faces the wrong way but it shouldn't hurt anything, besides bad back pain in early pregnancy which i had with all 3. its common to have a tilted uterus, but usually they tell you during a routine vaginal examination. whoops they forgot to tell me i guess!

so now for a list of positives to look on the bright side :)

-i took off the "diaper"! yay for no more progesterone suppositories!

-i had a java chip frap today! yummo!

-i can get back to running and maybe sign up for a race this spring/summer to aim for

-i can have a beer if i would like

-hmmm ill keep thinking of more!

1 more bitching post for the day

i just vented to my mom about my situation with people always putting in their 2 cents! and she informed me that a family member came into her work today and my mom said told her she was off tomorrow to take me to a dr appt (this family member doesn't know about this current m/c, but I guess she assumed what was going on). the family member said "wasn't she supposed to wait 3 months to get pregnant!" My mom didn't respond but just turned the other way to this rude comment. This same person after my first m/c never ever gave any sympathy but said, "well you shouldn't test that early. you wouldn't have known you had a m/c if you wouldn't have tested!" b/c I was late for my period.... that is usually an indication!! i love my family, but why put in your negative comments! especially when I'm crying or going through a really hard time!! wow today is full of fun-ness!

p.s.

I just also wanted to say that of course we are praying for a miracle tomorrow! Maybe I have an extremely tilted uterus that they have forgot to mention the past 10 years of my life and the baby is hiding in there. misdiagnosedmiscarriages.com gives you hope, but at the same time, I wanna be realistic and be prepared! if there is only a 5 week old baby in there, it is immaculate conception! :)

ahhhhhhhhh

So you know there are just a few of those people who always want to be putting in their comments and telling you what you should be doing!!! F-ing pisses me off!! I'm shaking right now! I know she is trying to be kind, but seriously you are way to overbearing for me right now! This is tidbits of our conversation:

her: "so and so are pregnant" me: "yeah I know" (thanks by the way for calling to tell me that right now) her: "you know they have been going to a fertility specialist for a long time too" me: "yeah I know. shes also in her 30's, has been trying for awhile, and had a m/c" her: "okay so you keep saying you are counting from the date of your last period/miscarriage. well you didn't conceive then so you aren't counting right" Me: (seriously what the fuck! do you not think I know how this pregnancy stuff works. so I go on to explain to her the 1st 2 weeks you aren't actually pregnant yet blah blah freaking blah) her: "well are you just going in to get a d&c? b/c so and so says you shouldn't do that. they need to do bloodwork and check and make sure!" me: (no shit! my dr isn't dumb!) "yes that is what my appt is for tomorrow" her: "well how are they really gonna check? are you going to ask for a sonogram?" me: "that is what they are doing!!!" I think I blacked out the rest of the conversation from being so angry. Don't take this post the wrong way, I love when some of you give me stories of friends you know that had something done and it was a success or just positive comments. But I absolutely can't stand when someone who hasn't been through this tells you what you should be doing like I haven't thought of everything! Please listen, give advice if I ask for it, but don't tell me whats best for me or question me that I don't know anything about conceiving/pregnancy right now! Seriously!

diagnose me

So, I've been telling my hubby lately that I am scared I have MS. I am not a hypochondriac, but I am a little concerned. Speechies, I definitely need your help! So over a year ago I got glasses b/c my vision was getting bad. She said I needed glasses but it shouldn't get much worse b/c you usually don't begin having vision problems at this age in life. Well guess what?? It is getting worse. Not horrible by any means but we know MS isn't always a fast progressing disease so... I blamed it on my glasses being a crutch for my eyes. Don't know if they would get that bad though in a years time. My second issues is swallowing! I know, pretty scary! So over the past 6 months or so I have been having difficulty with thin liquids and my saliva. Its like I'm lazy/sleepy/slow reaction??? I start to feel when I'm gonna choke. Like it didn't trigger at the right time. And no horrible coughing spells where I can't catch my breath, but definitely watery eyes and coughing. So I don't think I'm aspirating, but gotta be some penetration going on?? And its a little worse on certain days, and other days its not a problem at all. Thats why I haven't went to the dr to get a modified barium swallow or anything b/c I'm sure it would be a good day for me or something. I know they could see if its something structurally, but I'm totally convinced its neurological. ALSO, I'm at the age of onset and I live in a perfect geographic area that has a higher occurrence of the disease. So for my speechies: am I dying or overreacting?

baby blog

so the whole reason I originally created this blog was to hopefully in a month or so begin posting belly bump pictures and sonogram pictures. but as some of you know, I am going through my 3rd loss within 5 months. so this blog will know become my adventures of baby making (I promise not to put in any bedroom details in my blog ;) ). I contemplated putting anything on here about my losses, but isn't this what a blog is for? to vent and put any feeling and thoughts I have out there? besides, why do miscarriages always have to be a shameful or hush hush situation? I really don't know too many people who had miscarriages who are close to me, so maybe my story will help other people who ever have to deal with this horrible loss (I pray it doesn't happen to any of you). so as of right now, it has been a really hard week. I am having a huge pity party and thinking about not only baby losses, but other losses that happened in my life. 4 years ago this week, I lost my loving stepfather to cancer and my sweet great-grandma. 5 years ago in May, I lost my father and grandfather. so how many times have you heard this line: "God won't give you more than you can handle"? I have always been a very religious person, but seriously can someone tell me where that line is of "no more than I can handle"? because I thought I hit that point 5 years ago, and we know it didn't stop there. everyone always tells me I am a really strong person, which in reality I am totally not. Maybe they say that because I haven't COMPLETELY gone off the deep end (although a lot of my close friends have seen moments of it). but a "strong person" doesn't shut off all their feelings and shut off everyone around them because they are to scared to show any emotion. Maybe because I have been told I am so strong, I think I have to live up to whatever strength means by showing no emotion and acting like everything is fine when really it isn't. so this is what my blog is for now; to let my feelings and emotions out. it will be my release when I don't feel like talking to anyone b/c like beth says they want to give you "sunshine and butterfly comments". so true!!!

so now that I got off on my little tangent on my emotional rollercoaster of a blog (again this is what my blog is for I guess), I will give you more details on where we are at with the doctors. also, sorry in advance for any gross details you might not wanna hear, but I believe I only have females following my blog. so next tuesday we go back for a sonogram to make sure our dates aren't 3 weeks off (yeah right, how can you get a positive when you haven't conceived yet). If there is still only a sac then I will get off my progesterone and hopefully my body will do its own thing and we won't have to have a d&c (say prayers). I am pretty sure its already happening though by the spotting I had today, but by the looks of it, it could be old blood from my previous m/c?? who knows what the hell is going on in there? now that we are at our 3rd m/c, insurance will cover tests and for us to see a specialist. she mentioned only 2 drs in springfield so we asked about drs in st. louis and she sounded more positive about a lady down there. so we requested to see the doctor in st. louis. now we have to wait on lovely insurance. mine is pretty good, but tyson's sucks so who knows if they will approve it. so right now it is a waiting game: waiting on insurance, waiting on sonogram #2, and waiting on going through this whole m/c process again (whenever it wants to start). I will try to keep you posted on any new news! keep on praying! thanks!

Dana's weekend plans

If you would like to know what's going on in my boring life, here you go:

Friday-closed on our home loan, then had sushi with anna

Saturday-laid in bed til 10, went to litchfield to pick out floors, shopped at rural king, ate pizza hut, and saw "the green zone", then going to my gmas to play cards with the fam

Sunday-church, lowes with my mother-in-law, then home for chili and more family time

I was supposed to fit cleaning in there somewhere... but hey whats another couple days! I hope everyone is having a fab weekend!

Just another manic monday

So its another monday... which means another long week of work. I can't wait til summer gets here!! At least the weekend was nice. Friday night my mom and I went to a hilarious musical in Waggoner. Then saturday I went shopping with my mom and sissy and rushed home early to spend time with my hubby who to my surprise was not home waiting for me! He was at the Hamel bar!!! Every hour I get a drunk text message that says something like: "I fucking love you so fucking much! This is our last drink then I'll be home." So after 8 hours of that he finally arrives home (don't ask me how they made it here). So I take his drunk ass to greasie's for a willie smack and we are in bed before 9. Sunday we went to church, went and visited baby Owen and Maycer, then lunch at my mommy's! We just relaxed, napped, and watched movies the rest of the day. Ahhhh gotta love sundays! Now this lovely monday evening, I am laying on the couch waiting for my hub to make me some supper! And trying to convince him to go to Sullivan's and buy me a humidifier!! It looks like my cold is returning once again!! Well let's hope this week speeds by!!! No plans for the weekend. Possibly eating sushi with annie and visiting sarah's new baby lainey! Have a good week everyone!

Blues tickets anyone???

So I got Tyson 2 tickets to the Blues game for Valentine's day and now they decide he has mandatory training that night! So I was wondering if anyone or anyone you know would like to buy 2 tickets, 5th row off the ice, for Monday April 5th. They are really good tickets and we got them at a discount (still seems pricey) but they are $150 for the both of them. Let me know if you are interested!!

oh yay fun

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? none but i have a few waiting for me for the summertime: the pact, lovely bones, quirky yes hopeless no, are you there vodka? its me chelsea

WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 7:52 pm

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? laptops don't require mouse pads

FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? I'm getting pretty good at sorry

FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Real Simple

BABIES? Love love love 'em

FAVOURITE SMELL? tyson armpit (fo real)

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? loss

FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? God please help me through today and thank you for all you have blessed me with.... Wonder what tj is up to.

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? however long it takes me to get to it. who counts???

FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? you're silly if you think i'm telling you.

FAVOURITE COLOUR? first of all i love how they spell favoUrite and coloUr. must be french or something. anyways, my faves are purple and green

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? happiness

FAVOURITE FOOD? pasta and rice

IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? harmonica or banjo

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? i do drive fast, but i dont know if i necessarily like it. im trying to quit.

SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? not anymore. gyle sleeps in the closet. my poor one-eyed, cancer cabbage patch.

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Red Laser

WHO IS THE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? great gma kallal. shes radical.

FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? wine

WHAT'S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? what the hell is the boot of my car? the back? well if thats what you are talking about: bottled water, grocery bags for aldis, first aid kit, other junk

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes, why wouldnt i?

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? a rich stay at home mommy/wifey

EVER BEEN IN LOVE? currently

GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? full

FAVOURITE MOVIE? Little Mermaid

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Yes

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? actually nothing but the wires to my electric blanket

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST AMBITION? Have a great relationship with my husband and raise a wonderful family

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? not very assertive

IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? in westwood, in the little dead end lane, at the end of my moms road, on the pond :)

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? comfy cardigan

BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? Beach

TECHNOLOGY OR ART? Art-wish i knew how to produce some though

COMEDY OR HORROR? Comedy

FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? manly hands

FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? 330. done with work.

THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? I think Faith Hill and Rascall Flatts like 6 years ago and they still are in the package. wonder if walmart would let me return them?

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? back/neck/shoulders

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? Mind

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? usually wake up after 5 sometime then in and out of sleep til 630

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? my pampered chef pots

WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? my husbands stubborn butt

WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? SUV

DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? yes

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? summer b/c i dont work :)

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT

BE? to replace people's shitty attitudes with happy ones

DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? 2- footprints, stars

CAN YOU JUGGLE? heck no

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? Saturday

WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Sushi

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SOAP? bath and body anything

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? well now you got me thinking sushi so ill stick with that

IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD

WHERE WOULD IT BE? Australia

reply and fill out if you would like :) xoxoxo

Julie and Julia

To get myself motivated, I have committed to cooking a meal every night this week. (I know a good wife should do this all the time. oops.) The menu for 3/7-3/13:

Sunday: Chicken lettuce wraps

Monday: Turkey sloppy joes and steamed veggies

Tuesday: Pork chops and rice

Wednesday: Chicken Fajitas

Thursday: Ribeyes and mashed taters (Tyson's the chef this night)

Friday: Parmesan crusted tilapia

Saturday: (breakfast) Zucchini quiche

Wish me luck that I can really stick to it all week!

he he ha ha

the boys messing with the computer camera.....

kinda scary.....

lazy girl

Just one of those days, that a girl goes through, when a memory inside...........

ha okay I won't sing the rest. But it has just been one of those poopy weeks. so many sad things happening around me. just keep on praying, praying, praying!

like I said, I have a pretty boring life so nothing new to report. go to work, come home to lay on the couch. some day I will get back in that good workout routine I had going. I need a new hobby, like "stampin' it up" ;) but that costs a broke girl way too much! maybe my goal by the end of the school year will to read a book! man I'm really pushing myself to get motivated! maybe once my house project gets started I'll be busier! he is supossed to start in a couple months. so until then, its couch and dvr. gotta go, 16 and pregnant is coming on soon! Have a good week, all! xoxoxo