but we still have hope

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Albert Einstein - Definition of Insanity

perfect day

(you are thinking i am like a roller coaster-up and down and up and down. you are so correct!)

we had such a great night last night, but got home way too late for me. so we slept in til 1130, had breakfast, went for a nature walk, family visits, now couch time and naps before making apple crisp. isnt fall so wonderful!? i looove it! i wish every day was a weekend day. the stress of work and busy schedules and not seeing my hub get me down. but then the weekends are something i cherish! and we keep pretty busy!! i hope everyone is having a wonderful sunday :)

i love you tjh. thank you!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is just a horrible week! Times like this I wish no one read my blog so when I wanna freak out and say the meanest things in the world, I CAN!! Maybe my blog already freaks my readers out b/c no one comments anymore. I just needed to say I am so pissed today. I'm pissed at everything. I wish I had answers, direction, closure, A BABY!!!! A live freaking baby!!! I feel like I am lost. I don't know what is happening, what I am supposed to do next, or what my life holds. I'm so confused and wish I had just one person who understood what I'm going through to talk to and give me hope, comfort, or support. Ive always felt so alone in so many ways...

These are the steps I took this week to try to help myself:

-called my counselor to try to move up my next appt-nope. nothing available til my appt in a month unless I wanna call off work.

-called my specialist and explained I do not feel comfortable trying again with no answers or not trying anything new. I have a phone conference with her this week. Hopefully she can run some more tests or do something to help us feel like we arent just trying again with the same broken parts.

-raymee is helping me look into other specialists. a second opinion cant hurt. if they tell me all the same things then maybe i will feel confident that they have done all they can do.

if we just stop ttc for good and i didnt look into more options or get other opinions i may regret making that permanent decision and hate myself or my husband. i can only be proactive about this and try to use the energy i spend crying and turn it into energy of finding an answer. i wish this spurt of sadness would go away and i could get back to myself where i avoid all these things that happen in my life.

on another note, i spent the night with my old roomie last night. i had a conference in bn this morning then spent sometime shopping on the way home and drank way too many coffees. now laying in bed sick to my stomach. haunted house in stl tonight. i am such a scaredy cat about haunted houses im sure i will cry. every emotion turns into crying lately. ask my hub. he can tell me a funny joke and i will start bawling. its kinda funny though after the fact. everything that happens makes me cry. happy, mad, funny, scary, and of course sad. being a woman rocks!!!!

having a bad night

tonight is the first time i have cried since our dr appt weeks ago. the baby thoughts are going through my head again. although im not ready to be pregnant and go through the worry again, i feel like i wanna try again because im tired of waiting. yes we have been trying for 2 years, but thats not the wait im talking about. its the wait of knowing if we are having kids or not. i feel like i almost wanna get it over with if im supposed to have a few more m/c then i say okay im done. i am tired of just not knowing. i know tyson is not ready to try again though AT ALL. it makes me so sad to see him so turned off about kids now. since we have met i was always attracted to his love for kids and his excitement to have our own. now that is COMPLETELY gone. i feel alone in wanting to try again, but i do understand where he is coming from. his concern is having a child with birth defects and that is all that goes through my head too. our dr says its a fluke, but then i read that our chance are higher of having another trisomy (which would probably m/c again unless downs). i wish my dr would just say its not recommended to try again. the decision wouldnt be on my shoulders for the rest of my life. how do you put an end to something you have ALWAYS wanted more than anything else? its not fair! im so sad that things cant just be exciting and normal like the majority of the people in this fucking world.

God is great, God is good

What a wonderful few weeks its been. The weather has been wonderful, we have had so many blessings come our way, we have had so much time with family and friends... so much to be thankful for. I had a great weekend with my bestie, my Godson, and their fam. It was relaxing to spend some time in P-town. This weekend should be fabulous too. Friday night homecoming football game, saturday apple orchard time and maybe sushi that night, then sunday family dinner. I am LOVING this weather if I didnt already say that! Also, I am pretty excited for Nicki to have another little man! yayayayayayayay!

My last and final thought/request for today is to please pray for one of my bestest friends. She has a plate that is overflowing!! Please pray for God to give her comfort and peace and a fun happy trip to Yellowstone this week! Love YOU!!!

type it out

so i was discussing this with my counselor yesterday... i am feeling bad, guilty, not normal... the only days i have cried have been the day we found out our baby's heartbeat stopped, for one minute the day of my d&c b/c a nurse asked why i was having the procedure done and i was unsure of how to answer, when we found out we would be finding out the sex, and at our dr appt last week. ive not given anything deep thought or cried since. i can talk about it medically and even emotionally but not be that connected. i think this miscarriage hurt worse than others but i guess im just dealing with it better??? my fear is that i am depressing the feelings like i did with the loss of my parents then it comes back to haunt you. maybe also b/c we are not trying and our minds are away from baby world so im just not letting myself go there. but at the same time i feel guilty. i feel like i havent went through a mourning period like i did with others. i know i will still have bad days, but maybe im unfortunately being numb to the feeling of losing something so close. i keep stopping myself and thinking about making myself think about things and getting a big cry out. but thats like torture. and i have been in such a happy, wonderful place lately so why ruin it. im sure sadness of my losses will come rushing back to me when we get to visit wash u reproductive endocrinology and infertility again. i noticed the other day that they absolutely have no parenting or pregnancy or family life magazines in that place like every other drs office. i like them for that reason :) thanks for listening blogspot!

dana's big night in

the last song starring miley cyrus, the Y's garlic salad and toasted rav, and my butt on the couch. perfect!! maybe ill get to the cleaning and packing later. the hub is watching bama roll tide roll and gotta get up very early to get to peoria to spend the night with my Godson and bestie! baptism sunday :) have a wonderful weekend everyone! love!

few pics from gatlinburg

mixed feelings and a bday party

so we had our post op appt friday. everything checked out fine. and i was hoping they didnt get the chromosome tests back yet b/c i didnt want it to ruin our weekend. well they had came in that morning. the results were abnormal. there was an extra chromosome on chromosome 16. also known as a trisomy 16. from what i read, this is incompatible with life. most people miscarry within the first trimester. she said that there is no cause of this and that it just a random fluke. there is a 99% chance that this will not happen again. oooohh i remember when we had our first m/c and our chances were no higher than anyone else of having a m/c so it shouldnt happen again. well 3 more later, here we are!!! my dr was relieved to have an answer to the loss and i like answers too, but of course it makes me sad to think of a little baby with so many problems. so there is no more testing right now. just try again when we have given ourselves some time. her partner was the one who mentioned the bad eggs and bad sperm theory. she acted like no way that could be it. if we have another m/c i will be demanding some eggie and sperm testing. i was hoping the answer from this would have a cause that we could fix. she told me about her losses and teared up which made me feel more comfortable that she understands. she talked about how her and her husband were clinically depressed for a long time. its nice knowing my dr knows how her patients are feeling. i asked if we could do another d&c if i had another m/c to test again, but she said that they were very concerned about my bleeding with my surgery. she said her partner (who did the surgery b/c she was on vaca) was getting very worried about how much blood i was losing. thats why i got the 2 shots in the leg and the 4 pills up the butt. so she said no more d&c's, they wanna stay outta my uterus as much as possible. i didnt think of this while we were there, but tyson said he was worried about if i made it to giving birth to a child i would have the same bleeding problem. i am kinda nervous about that. yikes. soooo anyways back to the story... so i told her i didnt want her to tell me the sex of the baby then, but to write it down and put it in an envelope and i will read it later. so i get dressed and come out and i see an envelope with "male" wrote on the front of it. I was like "is this ours?" she took it away real fast and was like "oh shoot my brain isn't working. did you see what i wrote on there?" i for some reason said no. maybe i didnt want to break down in tears??? so she got a new envelope and put the paper on it and wrote my name on the front and we left. tyce said he didnt see it... i dont know how. but he said i could tell him. so we opened the envelope just to make sure, "male trisomy 16". so much for waiting til another day. i got my cries out then and pulled myself together for the amazing night we had ahead....

soo i wrote on here that i was taking tj away for the night for his bday. that was just in case he read my blog. i have been planning a surprise party for some time now. so this week my mom and i have been preparing all the food for the party and had everything out at the building thursday night. since i had my appt friday, my sis helped and set up everything and was there when people arrived. so we got home from our appt and i packed us a bag for our "surprise trip" and i killed time until i got the okay to bring him to the party. he was confused why we did just leave already and we had to wait around til after 6. i thought he probably knew what was going on, but was just playing along so my feelings werent hurt. so we left the house and then we were driving up to the party i had him open his card so he was looking down reading. then i said shoot i forgot something and turned in. halfway up the hill he recognized vehicles he knew and looked at me like "what the hell did you do." i could tell he was very surprised. we got out to a crowd of friends and family and one loud yell of "SURPRISE"! thanks chad!! then i brought tyson inside the building for a second surprise. he was checking out the food and decorations when someone hiding tapped him on the shoulder.... his mom flew in!!! he just looked at me and said "how did you pull all this off?!" i was crying, his mom was crying, and i think he was just stunned. so we just drank, ate, danced, played yard games, and gathered around the fire the rest of the night! it was the best party ever! my sweet hub absolutely loved it!! we have got to visit with family all weekend and it has just been the best. today my babe is 30!! we are having a wienie roast tonight at my grannys and more family time today.

happy birthday to the most truly amazing man i have ever known. i hope you enjoyed your birthday! you deserve it and more!! i love you more than anything!!