insurance is so fun!

So the dr's office called, but not about the test results... about insurance! Surprisingly Tyson's insurance covers anything we have done no questions asked (funny how they don't cover a dime of his $3000 emergency room bill we will be paying on the for the next few years). But my insurance wants letters from my drs and proof showing I've had 3 m/c. She said you will need to get approved before you go get your lupus screening and IGG. Welllll too bad I already got those last weekend b/c you told me insurance didn't need to approve those. So it will be a month before we hear back from my insurance if we are approved for this genetic test and the ones I already got done. Even though it is annoying, I am thankful that Tyson's insurance will cover it and hopefully mine will too with letters from my drs. But they did say that my insurance only covers $20,000 for testing and IVF or IUI in your lifetime, so if we do have IVF, it looks like we may only get to try it once. And we might not even have to do that option, but thinking- one try, maybe one child....wow life is always way different than you plan.

On another note-seems like we will be having a busy weekend! Tonight we are going to Edwardsville to eat with my sister and brother-in-law. Tomorrow we have lots of cleaning and errands to run before construction starts monday. Sunday I am going to buy our bathroom sinks, kitchen hardware, and whatever else I can stuff in my car! Oh, and I think I might just go to West County mall even though I feel broke. I've been dying to go to Nordstrom and go on a shopping spree. Thank God for credit cards :)

bloodwork results

my dr hasnt called with the results but i asked the hospital to send me my own copy, and it has arrived. from what i can interpret, everything is pretty much normal. darn. i was hoping there would be something off and they could give me a shot to fix it. ha! if only it were that easy. tyson says hes glad its all normal with this round of bloodwork though. he wants to start trying asap! no thank you! guess we will wait and see what the next tests show. they say like 50% of people results don't show any problems then you just try again and pray. i am hoping something is wrong that we can fix and then i would feel more confident trying again. well im gonna start supper and then off to the purse party! ill update you all more if i hear from the dr. xo

what ifs and whys

why has this been such a hard week? I keep wanting to blame it on the hormones, but how long can that really be the excuse? and how do you know the difference between hormones and depression? like i said this morning, it must be hormones if I cry when chief henry dies on saved by the bell. but for the past week I cry every single day. I was at yoga class and started tearing up while in the triangle pose??? I get upset when I am around anyone besides my mom or tyson. I was so excited to have a girls night last friday with some friends, and when I was there I found myself feeling like I was in a world all alone. I come home to sob for hours. I feel mostly sad that I feel like such shit day in and day out. I cannot even function from being so tired. I feel lethargic and I can't do a thing. I can't make dinner, clean, live like a normal human being.... I am so tired of feeling so bad, physically and mentally. I get upset b/c I am scared of EVERYTHING! I am scared every night that that might be the last time I see my husband. I am scared that someone is going to break in and kill me in my sleep. (I know I am a crazy worrier) Most of you who know me well know that I am scared of these things all the time. But lately I am so scared to get pregnant. While sobbing the other night and praying to God, I actually said I did not want to be pregnant again. I couldn't believe the words came out of my mouth! I always wanted 3 kids or more, but now I am not sure how I will even make it through one pregnancy without going insane. Most people do not understand what I am going through so don't understand how I feel about pregnancy now. Everyone says oh once you hear the heartbeat or you get further along in your pregnancy you won't worry as much. I'm sure every mother worries throughout her pregnancy. But now with everything I've experienced, I know I will never enjoy pregnancy. I was so excited to get pregnant and enjoy feeling my baby grow inside of me, and now I am petrified. Right now I am at a point where being pregnant is not anything I want. Do I want a child right now? Hell yes! But I do not want to go through 9 months of worry and depression. You know with loss (of a family member or friend) you usually learn to deal with things and move forward the best you possibly can. With miscarriage, you have loss to deal with, then trying again knowing that there is a big possibility (50% in my case) that you will lose this angel you have prayed for yet again. Is it worth all the pain? If there is a baby at the end of this road, then yes it is. But what if there isn't? How long do I put myself through this?

down for the count

so yesterday I had to get 7 vials of blood drawn and they called after I left because they forgot to do one. I had to fast yesterday morning so I thought I would again this morning for the one they forgot....bad idea. So she stuck the arm that I told her people don't have good luck with. She twisted it and tried but no blood would come out. So she took it out and stuck the same arm they did yesterday-ouch. I don't like needles, but I was doing fine. Then I squeezed Tyson's hand and whispered that I feel sick. Then I started saying I really don't feel good and things are looking dark. Next thing I remember was Tyson slapping my face saying "babe, breathe, wake up". I remember kind of hearing him, but I couldn't see or talk. He said my eyes were rolled back in my head and the blood lady was freaking. He had to tell her to go get help! Then a little light started to come back and I could see a bunch of ER nurses. They wanted to take me to the ER but I said no more medical bills please!! So after waking up some more and drinking some juice they let me leave. Now hubs is making me sit on the couch all day! I won't complain! Maybe he will spoil me some more than he already does, considering I freaked him out today!! I have never passed out before and it was not fun!!! Hope everyone has a good relaxing day like I will be having! xo

this brings me back to the rally sport days

specialist appt #1

well we had our first appt at wash u today. no news to tell really. we just reviewed health history for an hour and half to come to the conclusion that we are both healthy. so she just sent me with some scripts and that was it. i have to get 8 different blood tests tomorrow morning. then we have a prescription of an antibiotic that we both have to take once i start my period just in case we have some bacteria that could be making me m/c??? then i have to get an x-ray/sono thing with dye of my uterus. then once our insurance approves it (pray tyson's shitty insurance does), we have to get bloodwork to see if we carry a chromosomal abnormality. if everything turns out okay then we just pray and try again. or if there isn't something wrong with our chromosomes she said we would do invitro fertilization (ivf) to make sure we have a good egg and good sperm with correct chromosomal make-up and they would implant it. hopefully if anything is wrong, it is an easy fix. i would not look forward to ivf.

we ordered our cabinets and flooring today also. so after a long day of running around, i am going to relax. happy hump day!

yayayayay

yay for today!!! our ultrasound showed the sac is all gone. there are still some clots but they will pass. i am so relieved you have no idea!!! so after our appt we celebrated at darcy's pint. now that we feel fat we are going to see 'date night' and get more fat on popcorn and sodi pop.

tomorrow we have our appt with the specialist and i haven't really thought about it much b/c i have had countertops, cabinets, and flooring on my mind, which will all be ordered tomorrow. and i think b/c i have no idea what to expect at the specialist, i can't really think about it if i don't know what to think about :) so now i'm off on my date! hope everyone is enjoying their week! xoxoxo

relaxing weekend

I had a much needed relaxing weekend!! It actually felt long for once too! I had a great time with my old roomies! We just went out to eat, shopped, relaxed, and lots of laughing! Can't wait to do it again!

Sunday wasn't as relaxing... I have had a headache since then! I am trying to get everything order and picked out in a few days time for our house. Today Lowes is coming to measure for cabinets and hopefully we will be able to order those and our countertops Wednesday. Tomorrow the flooring guy is coming to measure and I hope to order those tomorrow night. On top of that we have 2 drs appts, I have a lot of meetings at school and kindergarten screenings, and my second job tonight! I feel a little overwhelmed with lists and reminders in my phone! I can't keep everything straight and where I am supposed to be when! It will all work out and be great though. I cannot wait to get our house finished :) I am sooo excited!

So currently my mind is on overload with house stuff, which is probably a good thing rather than drs appts and pregnancy stuff. I hope everyone has a nice week! Mine might have to be filled with wine nights every night this week to get me through :) xoxoxoxo

ahhh (sigh of relief)

what a great day this has turned out to be! i started the day in pain still and feeling down that the sac hadn't passed. i had a little breakdown session with some co-workers because i was fearing d&c would be my only option. we had birthday lunch day and i started getting really dizzy but kept chugging along. A few minutes later i passed it!! well i'm pretty sure at least. hopefully the ultrasound will show we are all clear next tuesday. i'm still extremely tired and i'm sure the cramping will continue, but the worst is over with (i hope).

then i came home to sit on my bum with my hunny and we got good news that we are going to get to started on the house remodel in a week!! whoa!! guess we need to get those cabinets and flooring ordered and all the appliances picked out and bathroom stuff picked out and shutters picked out and everything else i'm forgetting picked out! so we gotta get moving but i'm so excited because he seems like he can do everything i want... and its going to be pretty cheap (we think).

so today has turned out to be a pretty okay day! God is good! tomorrow i'm off to ISU to have a relaxing weekend with the roomies! hope everyone is having a fab week!

the 4 dreaded pills

so appt #578 didn't go so well today. let me start off with telling you that last night I was up all night with bad cramps and then this morning I passed like 3 clots and I have red blood now (not brown-which means old blood) so I totally thought I passed more of it and we were on the way to a positive outcome! so I was in a great mood heading up to the dr and she sticks that dildo looking thing in me and BAM... the whole fucking sac is still in there just chugging along. she said it looked about the same size so I'm glad it isn't still growing. but why in the hell am I passing clots and some that are pretty good size?? they said its my lining shedding. thats a lot of lining if you ask me. so dr kind of seems to be leaning toward d&c, but she says it won't hurt to wait longer and see if it will happen on its own. to me, I am already bleeding and cramping (which together mean m/c) so my body is doing what it needs to... I guess its just slower than most people. so she sent me home with some more induction meds and now I'm laying horizontal for the next few hours praying for this to come. next appt is monday for yet another u/s (let me remind you these are almost $200 each time I get one and I am having to take off work all the time-little stressful). then wednesday is my specialist appt. til then I will be in a hole having a pity party. I am going to try to make it to my roommate reunion but don't feel so energetic! hope everyone has a good week.

my hubby is a star

http://www.fox2now.com/news/ktvi-tactical-officer-rush-troy-home-041210,0,5413197.story

he's the one in the fisherman looking hat. he is in there like 5 times. there's a good shot of him kneeling with his sniper rifle. :)

update

Medicine doesn't seem to have worked like they said it would. I had pretty heavy cramps on and off 2 hours after inserting the meds and just like period cramps for the next day and half. Only spotting the first 24 hours. TMI-When I woke up sunday morning and wiped, I had a clot the size of a golfball, but no pain or anything. Just brown discharge since and no red blood. So they are concerned I didn't have a period of time with intense pain and passing things that I didn't pass it. But I think my body is just different b/c it was similar to my other 2 m/c. So wednesday I go for another u/s (the sonographers are my best friends by now) and hopefully we will see nothing in there! If so, I really have no idea. I hope another dose of cytotec but who knows b/c my specialist appt is only a week away and I'm not back to normal like she wanted. But seriously, a D&C isn't gonna make my body "normal" either so I don't think we should go with that option. Besides, I have a roommate reunion this weekend at ISU!! I can't miss out on Von Maur shopping, food, and time with my girls! Well I will let you all know how wednesday goes and see what happens from there! P.S. I am really excited to meet Dr. Keller next week and get things figured out. I feel so positive about going there! Have a great week all!! Love love

my life today

Man have I been exhausted this week!! It has been hard to wake up this week after that short break I had! Can't wait to sleep in (hopefully) Saturday!

Nothing new in my life since the last time I posted. Still 'pregnant'. I've been losing the boob soreness the past few days so I assume my levels are dropping. I start the meds tomorrow the "induce labor", as the nurse put it today. Yikes! Hopefully this will all be over soon!

On another pregnancy note, how funny was it when the chick on 16 & pregnant peed her pants! Hahaha! Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for her. My friend who is pregnant right now talks about when she sneezes she tickles a little and is petrified of full blown peeing her pants. I do feel bad for them but at the same time it is a little funny!

Well I better finish making my grilled chicken and 4 cheese ravioli before lover boy gets home! Have a wonderful weekend all!

Life is good!

Today has just been a wonderful day and we are only halfway through it. Things have been kinda sad around here lately, but one thing that always cheers me up is my husband. With so much that has happened in my life, he has always been there. When I get sad about things, I stop and think about how truly lucky I am to have him. We got married because we are best friends and love each other to no end. If we are blessed with a few little munchkins running around that would be amazing. But if not, we have each other and thats all I need. Today we went golfing on this sunshiny day, having crazy fun, now off to the winery to relax outside some more. Days like this make me realized how blessed I truly am! Thank you God for giving me such a wonderful man, and thank you Tyson for being my superhero through everything in life! You are absolutely amazing!! I love you.

also.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYMEE!! We love you so much!