what ifs and whys

why has this been such a hard week? I keep wanting to blame it on the hormones, but how long can that really be the excuse? and how do you know the difference between hormones and depression? like i said this morning, it must be hormones if I cry when chief henry dies on saved by the bell. but for the past week I cry every single day. I was at yoga class and started tearing up while in the triangle pose??? I get upset when I am around anyone besides my mom or tyson. I was so excited to have a girls night last friday with some friends, and when I was there I found myself feeling like I was in a world all alone. I come home to sob for hours. I feel mostly sad that I feel like such shit day in and day out. I cannot even function from being so tired. I feel lethargic and I can't do a thing. I can't make dinner, clean, live like a normal human being.... I am so tired of feeling so bad, physically and mentally. I get upset b/c I am scared of EVERYTHING! I am scared every night that that might be the last time I see my husband. I am scared that someone is going to break in and kill me in my sleep. (I know I am a crazy worrier) Most of you who know me well know that I am scared of these things all the time. But lately I am so scared to get pregnant. While sobbing the other night and praying to God, I actually said I did not want to be pregnant again. I couldn't believe the words came out of my mouth! I always wanted 3 kids or more, but now I am not sure how I will even make it through one pregnancy without going insane. Most people do not understand what I am going through so don't understand how I feel about pregnancy now. Everyone says oh once you hear the heartbeat or you get further along in your pregnancy you won't worry as much. I'm sure every mother worries throughout her pregnancy. But now with everything I've experienced, I know I will never enjoy pregnancy. I was so excited to get pregnant and enjoy feeling my baby grow inside of me, and now I am petrified. Right now I am at a point where being pregnant is not anything I want. Do I want a child right now? Hell yes! But I do not want to go through 9 months of worry and depression. You know with loss (of a family member or friend) you usually learn to deal with things and move forward the best you possibly can. With miscarriage, you have loss to deal with, then trying again knowing that there is a big possibility (50% in my case) that you will lose this angel you have prayed for yet again. Is it worth all the pain? If there is a baby at the end of this road, then yes it is. But what if there isn't? How long do I put myself through this?