If you are a DISH customer

go to www.fansfightback.com. DISH is trying to take E! and Style network :( Its no joke. No more Kardashians, giuliana and bill, E! news, kendra, and other shows I don't ever like to admit I watch but some how I see every episode like bridalplasty and jerseylicious. its pretty bad my life revolves around tv. it will be a sad day if its taken away. and it happens tomorrow... jan 1!! so go do it now!!!!

contacts

today i got contacts. it sucks. they scare me. they hurt to put in and take out and i feel like they hold me back from life! ha! i wanted to just doze off on the couch but nope cant do that b/c you cant sleep with contacts in. you cant shower with contacts in (wtf). you have to use hairspray before you put in contacts but makeup after. i mean seriously who came up with all these rules. there is a long list of other rules they sent me home with. i think its all silliness. i dont think i even need contacts. i actually feel like im seeing worse with them. its foggy and i cant read up close anymore, which was never a problem. they dont have the left eye contact that i need so im wearing one that sits on my eye crooked and the right one is supposedly correct. oh and i have astigmatism. that doesnt make sense b/c if you are born with it then why now am i just having vision problems. and why didnt they tell me this at my first appt. maybe i need to find an actual dr instead of walmart vision center.

3rd post of the day

just a friendly reminder that Stamp Out Cancer is coming up reeeeeal quick! i think all my buds are able to make it except beth :( she will be running her little tooshie off in Disneyworld! im a little jelly-not about the running part tho. anyway, Stamp Out Cancer will be from 6p-midnight January 8 at Hillsboro Country Club. there will be a silent auction, 50/50, celebrity bartenders competing to see who can raise the most $, Ramblin' Blues Band, and lots of fun! i hope you are all able to make it and help support the cause in memory of my stepdad Ron "Stamps" Wygal. love love!

other random pics

This is when we went to the apple orchard in the fall.

3 years of love!

Chicago freezing-ass-cold Bears game!

Christmas eve. We are hot!!

Christmas morn

workout party

so ive been working my body out! and it feels so great! ive not been back to running b/c my knees have been hurting but just long distance walks and a lot of weights and toning. i cant even breathe without my muscles hurting. its gonna suck after the new year when the gym is PACKED with people though. and of course we all know i wanna be pregnant, but it sucks b/c as soon as i do the dr says feet up for 12 weeks! working out is not the issue in my eyes so if i do become pregnant im still gonna try to keep doing light walking and maybe a little yoga. and if i can sneak by, a little light weight lifting. im enjoying these pipes. plus ill need them for when little babe gets here. right now i can hold a baby for about 3 minutes before my arms start shaking of fatigue. i know im a wimp :) renee and i did this kick ass class this morning... aaaand we were the only people there. then renee left for work and i was all alone. it felt like a personal training session. my legs are still shaking. well im gonna stretch out and read my new cookbook before i meet kimmy girl at the gym for a walk. (do you like how i referred to my mom, tyk?) happy day all! oh this a disgusting pic i promised my sis i would post. gotta love photo booth. i know we look mentally impaired and deformed :)

first day of vaca... sort of

although we started holiday break last week, we have been so busy that it feels like today is the first day. but i kept busy today too. i ran to litchfield to get new glasses and contacts (my eyes keep getting worse :( ) buuuut too bad the dr isnt in on mondays. so i ran all over to businesses to give out stamp out cancer donation letters. im quite excited that litchfield jewelry is giving some cute stuff! thursday ill head back out to do some more begging and pick up some of the items promised. and ill have my sis with me so it always helps to have another body with you to do something like that. people dont wanna say no to TWO pretty faces :) so after that i met my sis at the gym and did an awesome new class and my body is feeling it! tj and i just made some yummy steaks and salad. and now shower before watching zombieland-thanks for the recommendation dan!! im sure we will have to have homemade popcorn too :) ahhh why cant every day be a holiday break!

dana's life today

today was an off day for me. not sure what triggers got me to thinking baby thoughts... maybe just another year coming to an end. and 2 years of baby making complete with a lot of scary stories in between. i think also a relative (who i love so much) is in town and we were do like literally the same day and we would both have little boys. her pregnancy is still moving along great, and well you know my life story. i kind of dodged seeing her this weekend. i know thats might sound mean, but i always think what if i just broke down in tears in front of her. she might think im a mega biotch. my bff jaym would cry with me if i cried when she was pregnant. i dont think everyone is as understanding as that, so avoiding situations are sometimes easier for me.

my eyes filled up with tears today in church praying so hard for a little miracle. i guess some days are just more emotional than others. and its hard on me and tj too. i know guys handle things different-like avoidance. so i try to minimize baby talk around him. but some days we are on the same page of talking about things. like the other day he said something about a hopeful future baby being born on his bday, then tonight when i brought up baby stuff it was a major no no. ugh. why does this all have to be so hard? im just as sick of all of this as he is.

the past few months ive done what im supposed to do and have faith when you absolutely have no idea of the outcome. and be hopeful in a situation that has let you down multiple times. being positive sucks and today i dont wanna be that. it is a lot harder to be positive and convince yourself all these great things will happen when reality has shown you quite the opposite. so today im going to not smile and say "oh it will happen when its supposed to. God has a plan. Think positive and it will happen." bullshit. I say "this fucking sucks and quit telling me things that you can't promise. im pissed and id like to stay that way for at least tonight." :) goodnight blogtown

another post from my fellow rpl-ers

Cut this out and paste it in a word document. Then, print it out. Put it in your purse, wallet, pocket any where you can have immediate access to it. When needed, escape to a bathroom and pull out and read. If that's not possible, simply place your hand on it and do your best to remember what it says:

I am an amazing woman. I am a mother. I have been through hell and back. My fight is not over. I will get through this. No one else has to understand the feelings I have, and very few can. There's a group of women spread all across this country that are here for me when others can't be, and they know, as I do, that I am an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. -Moms with Only Angel Babies

hmmmm

i wonder if giuliana will email me back? stalker or besties? :)

chocolate martini please

tonight on the menu:

chocolate martinis

girlfriends

bbq brisket

wine

potatoes

laughing

green bean bundles

music

salad

presents

turtle cheesecake

chocolate martinis

:)

courage

tysons dad wrote us the sweetest letter and had a little part in there for me telling me how strong i am going through so much this year and his hopeful thoughts for us. i was so happy he wrote that. so many people ignore everything that has happened to us when we still deal with it every day. i know how it goes though. after the loss of my parents and gparents, everyone goes on living their lives and you just feel alone. so as ive said before, i want to talk about things. dont be scared to bring it up b/c it reallly helps me and it makes me feel loved when people show their concern.

here is a post from a girl on one of my m/c groups:

So many times you hear people talk about courage. We all figure that we know what that word means but I am not sure we truly do until we see it first hand. For me, I know that our brave soldiers have courage for doing what they are doing, and I know that the firefighters, police, and many others who do great things for our lives have courage... I know that it takes courage to try new things (like starting college after being out of school for years or starting a new business) but I had never thought of myself as courageous before. I had never seen what courage really was. I hadn't been able to put a picture to the word and I think that now I have more than one picture... I have millions...

Courage is the woman who has seen such great loss but keeps moving on with life and all the things that need done on a day to day basis. Courage is the person that has held a baby in her arms that is not breathing and cried tears of loss for that child and then brought herself back up to try again to bring that precious life into this world. It is courage that is seen when you see a woman who is TTC for months and months (and years and years) on end that arrives at the baby shower for the friend who is about to have her 2nd/3rd/4th/etc child and smiles. Courage is the woman who finds red again on a trip to the bathroom and knows that this month didn't work for her but doesn't just give up but finds a way to start planning for next month. Courage is the woman who has tried so long her heart is only a shattered remnant of what it was and decides that she WILL give a child a home and love even if she cannot do it through her own womb. It is courage that brings all the wonderful women to this site and this board and it is courage that keeps us going on each day. It is courage that allows a woman who has seen such loss to be scared and excited in the same exact moment when that second line finally appears on the stick. Courage is what allows us to survive and I think that we are courage... not only for ourselves but for others...

So if you want a picture of courage... I have a simple way for you to find it. Go to your bathroom and stand in front of the mirror... take a good hard look and keep that picture with you when times are hard... because that is the picture of courage! Want more pictures of courage? Log into BBC and look through your friend's list... look through the board comments... look really hard... because those are the pictures of courage that you can call on when you can't seem to find that first picture of courage ... those other pictures of courage will lend you some of theirs...

We have more than just plain courage... we have group courage because together we are even stronger and together we can help to remind each other that our rainbow babies are out there and we are courageous!

finally a day to catch up

my life has been crazy busy lately! on top of all my meetings and work stuff, we left right after school last thursday to head up to chicago. it took us 2 extra hours b/c the roads were horrible! we had a really nice weekend. my fav parts were sushi, massages, shopping, and visiting with his cousins Dustin and baby Wil. sunday was fun. we got all geared up to go to the freezing bears game. we found a little bar that was packed with people and started the party. after walking to soldier field i was actually warm and had a few drinks in me so i thought id be able to last the whole game. man was i wrong. i left before the 1st quarter. i felt bad but i was in tears i was so unbearably freezing cold! so i got a cab back to the hotel and got some cocoa and warmed up. the guys stayed at the game to watch the bears lose :( it took us 2 extra hours on the way home as well due to ice. i was happy for a snow day monday to catch up on sleep. but tyce threw his back out monday so we spent the day going to the dr, getting him drugged up, making him chili, and playing nurse. then came tuesday-i had to head to springfield to get my barstools (that have taken 2 1/2 months to come in and weren't delivered like they were supposed to be) and my new living room furniture. but it all didnt fit in my mom car :( and then when we get back to raymond, we discover my tire is completely flat. so wednesday was just like tuesday-go to springfield to get the rest of the furniture and pick up my car with the fixed tire. then fly home to get to another meeting. then hurry home from there b/c my mom and her bf were at the my house unloading my furniture since tysons laid up. so let me tell you, i am very happy to have another day off of school today. my house is a disaster since i pretty much have not been home enough to clean since last week.

tomorrow is my girls christmas party woot woot! then saturday is christmas at my mommys :) im so ready for the weekend!! now i just have to get my house ready! have a great ice day everyone! xo

sundee fun dee

so my day started out waking up at 4 am so tj could go do some secret agent work stuff. i was able to fall back asleep for a few hours and when i woke up i found out he is doing more work stuff out of town and who knows when he will be back. it really stinks being alone so much. on his days off he is always getting calls to do something else for work. so i was sad for a second and now im turning that frown upside down! after i get myself outta this bed and halfway presentable to the world im gonna go pick up our deer meat. today on the menu: italian venison sandwiches-thanks mandy and schy for the recipe. while that is slow cooking im gonna clean up this house and shine my sink! :) thank you to my sister for giving me the info for flylady.net. i am going to try to start today. but i know myself and i have a feeling this program isnt gonna last long for me. but hey ill give it a shot! ill be listening to she and him courtesy of raymee jo while trying to become a fly lady. after that hopefully tj will be home and we can go to church together before our (hopefully) yummy meal. have a happy sunday all y'all!

refreshed

i feel so refreshed after my counseling appt today. no new developments, i just feel accomplished. it was kind of reassuring myself that i am making progress and i like this happy place ive been in. the past hour ive been enjoying my new fav wine (blackberry from litchfield winery) and making us a homemade pizza. its so fun to knead dough. hub has a few more minutes of sleep before i go jump on him and wake him up! i love thursday nights. they feel like a special holiday. its like a celebration that tomorrow is the last day of work. it always involves wine and lots of good tv shows. happy thursday blog people. xo

still busy with work

i have been so busy with work all month. i guess its just that time of the year for me-annual reviews, evals, paperwork, meetings, meetings, meetings. (sigh) i wish i saw in there the words "planning time" and "therapy with the kids". it seems like there is less of that and it gets pushed to the bottom of the list when it should be at the top. hopefully someday we will have more funding for education and i will get an assistant like i need. ha! a girl can dream though. going in early and staying late almost every night is not fun. ive said this before, but i would love a job where i floated around the office all day filing things, making people coffee, and doing things that didnt require my brain to bring home everything i need to be doing for the next day. but i do have to say i really do like what i do for a living and im just thankful to have a job and an income.

tyson is taking me to chicago in a few weeks as my christmas present. im super excited. it will be super relaxing. the main events for the weekend are shopping, massages, sushi, steakhouse, and bears game! im sure we will find lots of other fun activities throughout the weekend.

i had a nice thanksgiving break. visited with friends and had some laughs. family time and ate lots. loved all my adorable niece for an entire day (probably my favorite part). shopped with crazy people on black friday. had a little luncheon for my gfs. put up the christmas tree. wrapped presents. more shopping. finished wrapping presents. now im all ready for christmas and its a whole month away. im enjoying this beautiful tree and all the lovely gifts under it.

well i guess thats pretty much my life lately. i hope all you bloggers had a great turkey day and are getting excited for the joyful christmas season. love love.

1 whole year

sunday was kinda a sad day for me. it didnt help when we were at my gmas and our cousin announced they are prego with their 3rd. i felt like someone punched my in the face. or maybe i was hoping someone would. so of course the was the conversation for the rest of the night. tyson just gave me the look and i knew he felt just like i did. oh and they also said they will keep trying til they get a girl. its always so hard for me to hear that b/c i would kill for 1 healthy baby regardless of gender. tysons quote from a past pregnancy when i asked him what he thought we were having: "i dont care if its a goat as long as its healthy." one goat coming right up! okay so back to why i was sad. 1 year ago sunday we were celebrating thanksgiving at my moms. i was a few days late for my period. im NEVER late for my period, but as i know now when you are pregnant you can get cramps and gassy and feel just like you do when you are having your period so i just thought maybe stress or something was keeping it away. my cousin who was trying to get pregnant at the same time was like TAKE A TEST! so i was like whatevs ill get one. i came home peed on the thing and was COMPLETELY shocked. i dropped whatever i was holding at the time and starting crying with joy!! tyson was at the bar watching football with his fam and i had to threaten his life to get him to come home. i surprised him in a fun way and it was our anniversary of our first date and our engagement. i will always remember how joyful that experience was. i have been happy with our other pregnancies, but never that excited. i miscarried early thanksgiving morning. worst feeling in the world.

since then we have had the excitement and let down repeated 3 more times. too many u/s to count. lots of needles. cytotec. labor at home with my mom by my side. specialists. d&c. therapists. many other things i never thought i would have to experience. its crazy that we have been through all that in just a years time. no wonder im so insane :) currently im trying to shut off that part of my mind as much as i can, stay calm, and go through everyday as normal as i can. this thanksgiving im so thankful for my husband. no matter what happens in our lives i know that i am truly blessed that he is a part of my life forever. im thankful he understands me and is so loving no matter how crazy i get. he is my best buddy ever.

my current fav

hi im mrs tired pants

does anyone else always feel tired? i mean always. i never feel like i have energy. it doesnt help that today was pj day at school so i think it made me feel more tired. ive worked late every night this week as well. its nice to be home by 4 today and im gonna stay in these pjs til tomorrow. to do list by early tomorrow: clean everything in the house, make buggle snack thing, get stuff for green beanie casserole, order outside lights, and i think thats it for now but im sure ill find more to do before then. and my fav cousins are in town so im sure ill be hanging with them all weekend. i hope everyone has a fabulous pre-thanksgiving weekend! xo

merry thanksgiving!

dont the holidays just bring so much cheer?!! although i feel broke, i LOVE buying gifts for others! although i hope they truly like the gift b/c everything i buy i want for myself too! i have been in such a great mood after shopping lately. maybe its just the shopping that im addicted too? i have pretty much all my christmas shopping done. im getting ready to order more on llbean here in a second. tj and i were supposed to have a date night but he got a call out. so im enjoying alone time and shopping online and watching e!news. i cant wait til black friday. i think im only getting one gift that day for someone else but i am getting us a new flat screen tv :) ill be tackling people at 3 am for my lcd beauty. i hope everyone else is having lots of shopping fun!! xo

beer bread+asiago dip

if someone saw me eating right now they would probably think i look like a wild animal. im shoveling food down my throat with both hands like my husband has been starving me for weeks. disgusting. gym starts NEXT monday. until then i guess i will continue eating like there is no tomorrow! ah how i love food!!

dr tse

so i met my new ob/gyn today and i think we have a winner! (or at least i hope) my wonderful jenna recommended her and after some research i thought we should switch. and she is also a wash u-ian so i figured it couldnt hurt to have my specialist and ob out of the same place. i really did like my old dr but she just kinda seemed to not have a lot of experience with rpl (recurrent pregnancy loss) and my new dr specializes in it along with many other high risk pregnancy conditions. she told me that all the drs at that practice have had a m/c and i know my specialist has too. its crazy how common it is but no one talks about it. although they haven't been through multiple losses with no children, its nice to feel like the person treating you completely understands your pain. i started crying when she said "the moment you pee on that stick you become a mom." you mommies out there know its so true. your every move, thought, action, etc is based around your little baby you are growing inside. anyways..... she assured me that if/when we get pregnant and if/when we are released from the specialist within the first trimester, that she will see me every other week until im 20 weeks and can feel the baby moving all the time. im glad i wont have to wait a month b/w each appointment wondering if baby's heart is still beating. she even said if im having a bad week to just come in and they will do an u/s. this chick rocks for all these reasons. in the first trimester we will have to do "the first look" to see if there is anything chromosomally wrong with the baby through a special scan and maybe some bloodwork to see if we are "high risk". but hopefully we wont have to worry about being high risk and can just have a normal pregnancy. ha! if only this whole journey was that easy. in conclusion, my new dr is awesome and made me feel even more secure that i will be well taken care of. although no one can stop a m/c from happening, i feel like im surrounded by really educated professionals who will take care of me, hub, and future baby h. love love!

in honor of ron

My brother Zach came up with this AWESOME idea for a fundraiser for the Cancer Association locally and we are doing it in honor of my stepdad whose nickname was "Stamps". I hope you all can attend this amazing event and help to spread the word for this great cause. We will be having a silent auction, celebrity bartenders (local celebrities of course), 50/50, etc. AND Keeli's band will be playing so of course it will be an amazing time! I hope you can all make it and help me to tell others about it! Thanks in advance!

:)

3 LOVEly years

Wednesday will be me and my amazing hubcaps 3 year wedding anniversary. Too bad I have parent-teacher conferences til 730 that night and the next night. So tonight we are going to the movies and tomorrow night to Popeye's!! (and for those of you that don't know, it is not popeyes chicken. its a yummy chop house!)

3 years ago tonight, we were making big signs for our camo bus that said HONK FOR THE HOLSHOUSERS! what a fun bus! then we went out that night (me, Mary, Anna, Tyson, Tony, and Jake). I believe we were the only people at the bar and man did we have a BLAST!!! what wonderful friends we are blessed with!

Our rehearsal dinner was pretty radical. My wonderful sister-in-law had beautiful invites sent out for the dinner and that night her and her hub presented us with gorgeous champagne flutes. My brother-in-law is a very talented glass blower and made us these glasses with our initials as the stem of the glass! what a thoughtful gift and wonderful keepsake! After dinner of course we had to go uptown for a few drink. I didn't stay out too late and my bff Mary came home to snuggle with me. Hub promised he wouldn't be out too late and he was going to stay at his aunt's. At 3 am Mary and I jump out of bed (and out of our skin) to 2 screaming crazy boys in the house!! Oh trav and tyson always know how to have fun!! So I guess I did really see my husband on my wedding day before we got married. oops!

My wedding day/night was amazing! So fun and filled with love. But I've gotta be honest, its all kinda a blur. Now is that b/c I was the queen of the night and busy with so much, or was it b/c I didn't think my xanax was working and so I took more until I had about 5 in me before 1 pm? who will ever know. at least I have photography and footage in case I forgot something :)

But even after all of that, the best was yet to come. Our wedding and all the events leading up to it were amazing, but I don't think it beats life after that. Our honeymoon was amazing! Is it just me or when you go on vaca with your hub/so do you just feel so amazingly connected with that person? all the stresses of life not in sight and completely out of mind. just love all day, everyday (and no, not in just a perverted way). I think thats why we love traveling so much together. but even after the honeymoon, things just continued to become more amazing. you know on your wedding day you don't think you could be more in love than you are then, but its not true. its only gets better and more fabulous! we continued to grow in our lives together. we both got new jobs a few months after we married. not even a year later we bought our first home together. of course we have been continue to spoil our baby puppies along the way as well. this past year so much has happened to us as a couple and as individuals, while trying to start a family, and we continue to grow together which is amazing. I am so thankful to God for leading Tyson into my life that night at Witt beer tent 5 years ago! Life without him would be pretty darn boring! I love you LOML!!!! xoxoxo

where is waldo?

http://www.iamtheface.org/?page_id=2570

http://www.iamtheface.org/?page_id=2901

the names page is really hard to find the '4 holshouser babies'. the first person to find both gets a big pat on the back :)

National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today I remember my 4 little babies gone too soon. My sign is blue because we know our 4th child was a boy. He was our only child we ever saw on the u/s machine and had a take home picture of. The only child's heartbeat we saw fluttering away on the screen. The only child's heartbeat we heard beating away. We miss all of our babies SO much and are devastated they are not here with us today. Please support this day and help to raise awareness to society. It is so hard feeling SO alone with no one to talk to. I don't ever want someone else who goes through this to feel the same way.

this weekend will be so much fun

tomorrow-pasketti factory and casino. dressing up cute + cocktails is always fun.

saturday-girls night in at my house. movies, popcorn, sodie pop, and a plethora of candy. yummo!

sunday-winery wedding shower at the same time as a little mermaid bday party. 2 things i love so i can't miss either.

looking forward to fun this weekend! although lets hope i dont break down crying watching the back up plan with my friends saturday. maybe that was the wrong choice for dana right now :)

friday is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day

october 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. the whole month of october is actually pregnancy and infant loss remembrance month. here are a few websites with some info on walks, activities, items to purchase to raise awareness, and to donate (iamtheface) for support and resources for parents who have lost a child. you can even add the "iamtheface supporter" logo to your facebook or twitter pic if you dare. i know its so taboo :) even more the reason to spread the word and raise awareness for mommas looking for help but they don't know where to reach out to. please consider supporting this is any way you choose. even in your thoughts! love to all!

http://www.october15th.com/

http://www.iamtheface.org/

busy busy busy

i have been so busy every night after work with meetings, parties, errands, etc. i kinda like it though... i feel productive. the month of october is very busy. halloween party, girls night at my house, showers, bday parties, 3 year anniversary :), reception, and other random nights out with friends. before i know it the new year will be here. i think im kinda looking forward to a fresh new year and put this crazy year behind me (although i said that last year after my 1st m/c). its crazy this coming january will be the 3rd january we have been trying to make a TAKE HOME baby. i feel like im sitting still while everyone elses lives are racing past me. im gonna enjoy the relaxation while i can. i get to have nights out often still, nights in often watching movies in peace and quiet, sleep in or at least lay in bed til noon on the weekends (and yes i actually do this b/c i can :) ), spontaneous day trips with hub to a winery or with the friend or fam, many more things i can think of later :) i have to remind myself of all these perks. well now im off to do a little cleaning up around the house in my pretty new green shoes that just arrived at my doorstep before watching my shows! have a great week everyone!! xo

shit on the ground, shit on the ground. im gagging like a fool with the shit on the ground.

still gagging. a second grader apparently "infamous" for having terd episodes (the secretary informs me) pulled a terd from her butt and threw it on my floor today. then steps in it and other students step in it. it takes me awhile to figure out what the smell is b/c why would a normal functioning second grader do that. the janitors did their job but i still feel like they need to call in a professional cleaning team to disinfect my whole room. im so grossed out right now. i can't wash my hands enough even though i wasn't close to touching the shit. then i go to the jr high and the science teacher shows me his mouse infestation in his closet. more shit EVERYWHERE! on all the science supplies.... why do i feel like my school needs to be shut down right now? im going to continue to gag the rest of the night and get some major cleaning supplies to bring with me tomorrow. yuck o!!!! needless to say, it was a shitty day. ha!

Go G

so for awhile i have watched giuliana rancic and bill on their show. although our stories were different (hers infertility, mine m/c) i felt her pain sooo much seeing her cry on her show. for months ive noticed she is always filming in chicago as you all may have noticed. i keep telling tyson, "i wonder if shes pregnant". i google it and no new info since spring... just about her being bold and honest about infertility-GO G!!! but today has explained why... today on the view she shared a very personal experience. i feel her pain even more and admire her for being public with this experience and EDUCATING others about this struggle. she tried every route and lastly ivf. it ended in m/c. if you notice, 2 other of the women on the stage have went through this and know how ABSOLUTELY difficult a loss of a child can be. listening to her explain her loss at the same time as mine and results are the same as mine was indescribable. difficult but hopeful seeing her so positive. i am so proud of her. being a "celebrity", she can tell others of her struggle and help others to be hopeful. my heart goes out to her though this looooong road and difficult experience. but i am thankful for her hopefulness that is encouraging to me and others. (you probably have to copy and paste... and they are about half way through the episode). lots of love to all!

http://abc.go.com/watch/the-view/SH559080/VD5589439/the-view-101

but we still have hope

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Albert Einstein - Definition of Insanity

perfect day

(you are thinking i am like a roller coaster-up and down and up and down. you are so correct!)

we had such a great night last night, but got home way too late for me. so we slept in til 1130, had breakfast, went for a nature walk, family visits, now couch time and naps before making apple crisp. isnt fall so wonderful!? i looove it! i wish every day was a weekend day. the stress of work and busy schedules and not seeing my hub get me down. but then the weekends are something i cherish! and we keep pretty busy!! i hope everyone is having a wonderful sunday :)

i love you tjh. thank you!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is just a horrible week! Times like this I wish no one read my blog so when I wanna freak out and say the meanest things in the world, I CAN!! Maybe my blog already freaks my readers out b/c no one comments anymore. I just needed to say I am so pissed today. I'm pissed at everything. I wish I had answers, direction, closure, A BABY!!!! A live freaking baby!!! I feel like I am lost. I don't know what is happening, what I am supposed to do next, or what my life holds. I'm so confused and wish I had just one person who understood what I'm going through to talk to and give me hope, comfort, or support. Ive always felt so alone in so many ways...

These are the steps I took this week to try to help myself:

-called my counselor to try to move up my next appt-nope. nothing available til my appt in a month unless I wanna call off work.

-called my specialist and explained I do not feel comfortable trying again with no answers or not trying anything new. I have a phone conference with her this week. Hopefully she can run some more tests or do something to help us feel like we arent just trying again with the same broken parts.

-raymee is helping me look into other specialists. a second opinion cant hurt. if they tell me all the same things then maybe i will feel confident that they have done all they can do.

if we just stop ttc for good and i didnt look into more options or get other opinions i may regret making that permanent decision and hate myself or my husband. i can only be proactive about this and try to use the energy i spend crying and turn it into energy of finding an answer. i wish this spurt of sadness would go away and i could get back to myself where i avoid all these things that happen in my life.

on another note, i spent the night with my old roomie last night. i had a conference in bn this morning then spent sometime shopping on the way home and drank way too many coffees. now laying in bed sick to my stomach. haunted house in stl tonight. i am such a scaredy cat about haunted houses im sure i will cry. every emotion turns into crying lately. ask my hub. he can tell me a funny joke and i will start bawling. its kinda funny though after the fact. everything that happens makes me cry. happy, mad, funny, scary, and of course sad. being a woman rocks!!!!

having a bad night

tonight is the first time i have cried since our dr appt weeks ago. the baby thoughts are going through my head again. although im not ready to be pregnant and go through the worry again, i feel like i wanna try again because im tired of waiting. yes we have been trying for 2 years, but thats not the wait im talking about. its the wait of knowing if we are having kids or not. i feel like i almost wanna get it over with if im supposed to have a few more m/c then i say okay im done. i am tired of just not knowing. i know tyson is not ready to try again though AT ALL. it makes me so sad to see him so turned off about kids now. since we have met i was always attracted to his love for kids and his excitement to have our own. now that is COMPLETELY gone. i feel alone in wanting to try again, but i do understand where he is coming from. his concern is having a child with birth defects and that is all that goes through my head too. our dr says its a fluke, but then i read that our chance are higher of having another trisomy (which would probably m/c again unless downs). i wish my dr would just say its not recommended to try again. the decision wouldnt be on my shoulders for the rest of my life. how do you put an end to something you have ALWAYS wanted more than anything else? its not fair! im so sad that things cant just be exciting and normal like the majority of the people in this fucking world.

God is great, God is good

What a wonderful few weeks its been. The weather has been wonderful, we have had so many blessings come our way, we have had so much time with family and friends... so much to be thankful for. I had a great weekend with my bestie, my Godson, and their fam. It was relaxing to spend some time in P-town. This weekend should be fabulous too. Friday night homecoming football game, saturday apple orchard time and maybe sushi that night, then sunday family dinner. I am LOVING this weather if I didnt already say that! Also, I am pretty excited for Nicki to have another little man! yayayayayayayay!

My last and final thought/request for today is to please pray for one of my bestest friends. She has a plate that is overflowing!! Please pray for God to give her comfort and peace and a fun happy trip to Yellowstone this week! Love YOU!!!

type it out

so i was discussing this with my counselor yesterday... i am feeling bad, guilty, not normal... the only days i have cried have been the day we found out our baby's heartbeat stopped, for one minute the day of my d&c b/c a nurse asked why i was having the procedure done and i was unsure of how to answer, when we found out we would be finding out the sex, and at our dr appt last week. ive not given anything deep thought or cried since. i can talk about it medically and even emotionally but not be that connected. i think this miscarriage hurt worse than others but i guess im just dealing with it better??? my fear is that i am depressing the feelings like i did with the loss of my parents then it comes back to haunt you. maybe also b/c we are not trying and our minds are away from baby world so im just not letting myself go there. but at the same time i feel guilty. i feel like i havent went through a mourning period like i did with others. i know i will still have bad days, but maybe im unfortunately being numb to the feeling of losing something so close. i keep stopping myself and thinking about making myself think about things and getting a big cry out. but thats like torture. and i have been in such a happy, wonderful place lately so why ruin it. im sure sadness of my losses will come rushing back to me when we get to visit wash u reproductive endocrinology and infertility again. i noticed the other day that they absolutely have no parenting or pregnancy or family life magazines in that place like every other drs office. i like them for that reason :) thanks for listening blogspot!

dana's big night in

the last song starring miley cyrus, the Y's garlic salad and toasted rav, and my butt on the couch. perfect!! maybe ill get to the cleaning and packing later. the hub is watching bama roll tide roll and gotta get up very early to get to peoria to spend the night with my Godson and bestie! baptism sunday :) have a wonderful weekend everyone! love!

few pics from gatlinburg

mixed feelings and a bday party

so we had our post op appt friday. everything checked out fine. and i was hoping they didnt get the chromosome tests back yet b/c i didnt want it to ruin our weekend. well they had came in that morning. the results were abnormal. there was an extra chromosome on chromosome 16. also known as a trisomy 16. from what i read, this is incompatible with life. most people miscarry within the first trimester. she said that there is no cause of this and that it just a random fluke. there is a 99% chance that this will not happen again. oooohh i remember when we had our first m/c and our chances were no higher than anyone else of having a m/c so it shouldnt happen again. well 3 more later, here we are!!! my dr was relieved to have an answer to the loss and i like answers too, but of course it makes me sad to think of a little baby with so many problems. so there is no more testing right now. just try again when we have given ourselves some time. her partner was the one who mentioned the bad eggs and bad sperm theory. she acted like no way that could be it. if we have another m/c i will be demanding some eggie and sperm testing. i was hoping the answer from this would have a cause that we could fix. she told me about her losses and teared up which made me feel more comfortable that she understands. she talked about how her and her husband were clinically depressed for a long time. its nice knowing my dr knows how her patients are feeling. i asked if we could do another d&c if i had another m/c to test again, but she said that they were very concerned about my bleeding with my surgery. she said her partner (who did the surgery b/c she was on vaca) was getting very worried about how much blood i was losing. thats why i got the 2 shots in the leg and the 4 pills up the butt. so she said no more d&c's, they wanna stay outta my uterus as much as possible. i didnt think of this while we were there, but tyson said he was worried about if i made it to giving birth to a child i would have the same bleeding problem. i am kinda nervous about that. yikes. soooo anyways back to the story... so i told her i didnt want her to tell me the sex of the baby then, but to write it down and put it in an envelope and i will read it later. so i get dressed and come out and i see an envelope with "male" wrote on the front of it. I was like "is this ours?" she took it away real fast and was like "oh shoot my brain isn't working. did you see what i wrote on there?" i for some reason said no. maybe i didnt want to break down in tears??? so she got a new envelope and put the paper on it and wrote my name on the front and we left. tyce said he didnt see it... i dont know how. but he said i could tell him. so we opened the envelope just to make sure, "male trisomy 16". so much for waiting til another day. i got my cries out then and pulled myself together for the amazing night we had ahead....

soo i wrote on here that i was taking tj away for the night for his bday. that was just in case he read my blog. i have been planning a surprise party for some time now. so this week my mom and i have been preparing all the food for the party and had everything out at the building thursday night. since i had my appt friday, my sis helped and set up everything and was there when people arrived. so we got home from our appt and i packed us a bag for our "surprise trip" and i killed time until i got the okay to bring him to the party. he was confused why we did just leave already and we had to wait around til after 6. i thought he probably knew what was going on, but was just playing along so my feelings werent hurt. so we left the house and then we were driving up to the party i had him open his card so he was looking down reading. then i said shoot i forgot something and turned in. halfway up the hill he recognized vehicles he knew and looked at me like "what the hell did you do." i could tell he was very surprised. we got out to a crowd of friends and family and one loud yell of "SURPRISE"! thanks chad!! then i brought tyson inside the building for a second surprise. he was checking out the food and decorations when someone hiding tapped him on the shoulder.... his mom flew in!!! he just looked at me and said "how did you pull all this off?!" i was crying, his mom was crying, and i think he was just stunned. so we just drank, ate, danced, played yard games, and gathered around the fire the rest of the night! it was the best party ever! my sweet hub absolutely loved it!! we have got to visit with family all weekend and it has just been the best. today my babe is 30!! we are having a wienie roast tonight at my grannys and more family time today.

happy birthday to the most truly amazing man i have ever known. i hope you enjoyed your birthday! you deserve it and more!! i love you more than anything!!

bein sick sucks

here come the aches, the pains, the sore throat, the sniffles... booooo. hopefully it goes away soon. emotionally i have been doing really well lately. trying to stay positive, or maybe its just me kind of shutting off stuff for awhile. physically im feeling good. i think we may have to do bloodwork to see if my hcg is back to 0 before any other tests are done. we have our post op appt this friday so hopefully we will find out some stuff then. although im not ready to find out the sex just yet. i dont want it to ruin our weekend. its tj's bday weekend. im sure he is ready for the dr to give us the okay to have an extra good bday weekend. ha! im taking him on a surprise get away friday night, saturday and sunday (his bday) he works, then monday im hoping just to grill out at home and play some washers or something. buuuuut if im sick all weekend, then my plans might just not work. well i better rest up on the couch so i can get to feeling better. have a wonderful week all! xo

lots of thoughts going through my mind today

and hopefully this is my final post of the day. i just discovered that on our chromosome report, it will tell us the sex of our baby :( i mean i guess i should have known that, but i was thinking more about the cause of our baby not making it. why does this make everything seem more sad? its like it just makes it that much more real that we lost a baby. do we not use the boy or girl name we liked in the future b/c it was meant for this one? do we call this baby by that name? it never got that far into pregnancy that i had thought about all these things. it makes me sad, but i am still curious and feel like i have to find out now. my day has truly been a roller coaster... up... down.... up.... down.

no offfense

but i truly have the best husband in the world!! he lets me go through every emotion and feeling with more understanding than anyone ever could! he understands everything about me and loves me even though im crazy. so that makes me the luckiest girl alive. just thought i would rub it in :)

today is an emotional day

tears have been forming very easily today. i got a call from my specialist and i was tearing up before i even answered. still no news on the chromosome testing of little baby. my friend brought her little newborn into work today so i got to snuggle with him a bit and soon im heading to go see my new little cousin who is 1 day old. so i think that may also contribute to my emotional roller coaster today.

some thoughts going through my head: all of these thoughts about us stopping permanently is weighing heavy on me. i want the drs to tell me something is so wrong that we have to stop for good and i can have an excuse to give up. then the next second i think, but what if next time would have been IT! then the next second i think, but what if next time we think everything is fine and we make it to 20+ weeks and lose baby then. we already have sad memories of all of our losses (my ultrasound pics when we saw and heard baby's heart beating on my night stand). we dont want memories of a baby that we saw or held that we weren't going home with. hub is just so over this baby business and ready to move on with our childless lives. one second im there with him, but the mother in me has some hope that maybe it could happen some day. and now not only do i have horrible fears of having a stillborn, but im petrified that if our child lived they would have so many other disabilities. is all of this worth it? lots of thoughts going through our brains and not happy ones. just sucks that this whole pregnancy experience has hurt us so much and been so much negativity in our lives. 2 years of our lives have been consumed into baby making, pregnancy, and loss (okay the 3rd part was only the bad part). for now we are just excited to get back to our lives for awhile and focus on ourselves. although, i wish i knew if it was for good or only temporary. hopefully our visit next friday will give us some idea of that.

all the pregnant ladies

this is how i was gonna announce my pregnancy to my blogspot buddies. i figured i would still share the funny video :) enjoy!!

I like this....

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

today is a great day!!

the postpartum hormone changes are really kicking in! last night i was a complete freaking mess for the 1st time since we found out our bad news and today im the happiest person you have ever met! :) i had a huge pity party last night, but woke up this morning and decided to put on an outfit rather than the same pair of pjs ive been wearing all week! oh and i showered! yes i feel a little more normal today! and i got an exciting call this morning from one of my best friends and was asked to be the Godmother of her son! i am soooo extremely ecstatic! so that may be part of the reasoning behind my wonderful mood.

so i got myself up and moving and made a trip to the patch (aka Litchfield). i did a little bogo shopping at payless, school shopping at dollar tree, and food shopping at aldi. i also met my momma for lunch at pizza hut which was $5 all you can eat today! let me tell you this day has just been full of all kinds of goodies :)

now it is probably time for a nap. i havent done that much in quite awhile. plus school starts tomorrow so i gotta take advantage of my last couch day!! i hope everyone has a good week! i know i will with old sweatlers food here and getting back into a schedule with work! love to all!

percocet is my friend

so yesterday was the big day. we arrived at barnes-jewish hospital early in the morning to sit in a crowded room with everyone else waiting for their turn at surgery. i had to get some blood work 1st. a type and screen (which i have had this blood test done 1 million times and i dont understand b/c i dont think my blood type is gonna change anytime soon). and they also checked my hcg level which i dont know what it matters. then we were taken to my room to change into the awesomely huge pants and gown made for an extra extra extra large man. we met the nurse, the nurse for surgery, the anesthesiologist, the anesthesiologist nurse, the resident for my dr, the fellow for my dr, then finally my dr (who was a 1/2 hr past surgery time). tyson thought we might get to meet the custodian for our room as well but we werent that lucky. everyone kinda told you the same thing with varying information. risks are death, death, or death. or if we puncture your bowel or bladder then death. from anesthesia you might die. then 1 person says it only takes 20 minutes, another says 30, and another an hour. i didn't wake up til 3 hours later and so confused why. finally got moved to the second recovery and waited patiently for tj and mom while i ate graham crackers and drank sprite. it was now 215 and i thought we would be HOME by 130. ha. so finally my mom and tyce come see me and tell me how my procedure went b/c i never saw any of the drs after i went into my deep sleep. they told me everything went okay but i bled more than usual so they gave me a few shots in the thigh (no wonder my leg muscle was killing me) and 3 pills up the bumhole. i guess these medicines make your uterus contract so it will stop bleeding. so i bled quit a bit yesterday but it has slowed down a lot today and my pain is a lot better. this morning my throat was kinda scratchy from the tube and just sleepy from my meds. hoping these hormones don't hit me like a train. school starts next week and i wanna be a normal human being by then. have a good weekend everyone.

today sucks

i am so bored today. i need to be cleaning myself but instead ive been staring at this computer for the past 2 hours. i think im just nervous for tomorrow. i know there will be no sleeping for this girl tonight. right now tysons sleeping and everyone else is working. but i dont feel like being around many people anyways besides hub and mom. just wish i could get myself motivated to stay busy today. im doing the opposite. looking stuff up online and going in circles is such a smart idea. yes i am sad thinking about what is actually happening tomorrow (bye bye baby) but i think im getting nervous about all the stuff before. just being in a hospital gown in a cold hospital room. needles-fucking hate needles. ill be crying more about that than anything else. ive had more needle sticks in the past few months than i ever had in my life combined but after the fainting incident, im a major phobic. the whole atmosphere makes me want to cry. tube down my throat-ouch. you feel like your going to a dark place you might not come back from. i just hope they see im a freak, numb my arm (nice people do that for me), get the iv in, and give me that good stuff where i feel higher than a kite til they actually put me under. that stuff is the only good part of surgery. okay im giving myself a tummy ache. wish me luck.

8 weeks and 1 day

so here is my recent history for those of you who don't know:

july 8-positive pregnancy test

july 9-hcg of 35

july 12- hcg of 187 (only has to double from the first number and went up x6!!)

july 16- hcg of 870 ish (dont remember exact number but still looking great)

gone on vaca next week so couldnt do my 5 week u/s

july 26- 6w0d u/s measuring 5w0d. we were concerned b/c we know exactly when i ovulate so dates shouldnt be off but everyone seemed like it was normal to be off

aug 2- 7w0d u/s #2 measured 6w0d. heartbeat 89. good that the baby grew exactly a week in a week but nervous about low hb. but hb starts around 80 so again everyone says it could have just started.

aug 10- 8w1d u/s #3 measured smaller than last week and no hb. when i asked why it would be smaller rather than just stop growing and she said it starts "disintegrating". that term made us about puke.

are hearts are broken for the 4th time. we have lost a lot of hope b/c they said chances after 4 losses aren't good. we talked about possible causes of why and she mentioned possibly "bad eggs" is the most common when no other tests show up. we've been giggling b/c tyson thought she would say something in me isn't fully developed b/c im so small, but instead i might have eggs of a 50 year old. funny how i hit puberty at like 18 and all the good eggs are gone already. guess i shoulda got knocked up in high school if i wanted kids. sperm and egg donors were brought up and just a lot of overwhelming decisions. ill have a d&c friday and they will test the fetus. pray that i do not m/c naturally before then (funny how i asked for the exact opposite last time). im pretty nervous to go under friday, but ready for some answers hopefully. time for a nap now b/c my brain is killing me! happy day people.

dont wanna go back

why cant i finish all the touch-ups from my house project? i havent organized my closets or done all those things on my summer to do list. i didnt even read a book!!! man i suck at life. i guess ill just continue to lay on the couch and watch e! until school starts.

due date number 1

Crazy to think that today is my 1st due date. Crazy to think that we could have a little infant in our house right now completely changing our lives. We would have a nursery, swings, carseats, no sleep :), etc. Me and my friend Jayme could be celebrating our little infants together! (and hopefully tyka soon too) I have too many due dates now to even keep track of. But I especially remember this first one. Today is my great gma kallal's bday, my cousin nathan's bday, and schylar's bday. A great day to celebrate life! I am trying my best to not constantly wonder what God's plan for me is... why? when? what do we do next? thinking about stopping for awhile sounded like the best plan, but then I think how we are so ready for this baby!! and so we stop trying for a few years then when we start again its back to drs and back on medicine and still possibly go through all this again!! I am having a hard time with that decision right now but I guess we will talk to our dr and make the best decision.

I have a big day ahead of me-Kim and I are making BLT dip and a peach pie, possibly getting pedicures, and laying by the pool. Then going to meet baby mason and celebrating mark's retirement before heading to my brother's big bday bash! Then the rest of the weekend is family time!! Love to all!

TN

We had a wonderful time on our trip! We kept busy, but relaxed a lot too! Here are some of the things we did: ate A LOT, went to dixie stampede, walked around to lots of different shops, got an old time photo, took a sky lift thing above the city, golfed, ate A LOT more, shopped, drove through the mountains and took a walk up to a waterfall, saw bears and other wildlife, napped, played putt putt, and took a helicopter ride over the smokies. It actually only rained at night and in the early morning a few days, so we were lucky to have great weather the whole week. I'll try to post some pics soon.

I loved yesterdays sermon at church. It was about God answering prayers... you just have to ask. I'm praying!!!

Have a great day all! xo

wanna see the weather for our vaca??!

http://www.weather.com/weather/tenday/USTN0196

haha yep rain EVERYday! oh well it could change! and i wont mind sitting on the porch reading a book watching the rain in the smokies :) RELAXATION!! have a great week all!! xo

photo booth pics from a wedding recently

me and tyce

me, my stepmom diane, my sister renee

me and my sister

tv rules my life

whats your favorite show? my new favs are hot in cleveland and bethenny married. when a show makes me "LOL", its a keeper. of course i still love housewives of (any) county and kourtney and khloe take miami. gotta love sisters who wax/burn each others vaginas.

while i was laid up for the past few days, i came across some other crazy shows. toddlers and tiaras-holy crap! and today i forced tyson to watch this show called "i didnt know i was pregnant". who would have thought that there are so many women in the world who go through nine months of pregnancy and dont feel a thing. not even a kick? that show is a little unbelievable and definitely won't be on the dvr list anytime soon.

k now its time to lay down and watch chelsea lately. can you tell i havent met my goal of reading a few books this summer? :)

and things are looking up

after feel like death the past 2 days and not being able to break my fever once, i went to the er last night. they ran another strep test from the looks of my nasty throat, did a mono test, and some other stuff i dont remember. everything was negative so they said it is viral and to wait it out. im not sure if ive ever felt this bad when ive been sick. maybe b/c they are usually bacterial so an antibiotic helps.

today my temperature has only went up once and tylenol seemed to help. as of a few hours ago my throat feels a little better. still painful, but i dont have to brace myself every time i swallow. im hoping by tomorrow im a new woman. b/c trust me, i stink and look like death :) im gonna try to get some energy to get a shower in tonight, but man what a job it is. hopefully hub doesnt get this nastiness before or while we are on our trip next week! tennessee, here we come!! (as soon as i get my ass up to pack our bags)

anyone wanna come take care of me?

i have progressively gotten worse throughout the day. ive kept up with tylenol and had cold rags on me and my temp keeps on rising! i need my mommy. its always great to have a mommy waiting on you hand and foot and rubbing your hair. someone help!! :(

happy x 187!

today is a good day! minus some sickness. i woke up in the middle of the night with a temp and a large knot in my throat. went to the dr and they checked me for strep-negative thanks God! so they said probably a virus. fluids, tylenol, and salt water-yucko!!! im gonna try to relax all week and feel better before our trip this weekend :) i have nothing to do but one of my jobs on thursday! waiting for my honey to get home and snuggle on the couch with me!!! :) hope everyone has a great day! xo

so much to do, so little time

ive got so much to do before tomorrow!!! and im gonna take a nap. the past 2 mornings i have had to get up reeeeally early so naps have been necessary both days. and race day is tomorrow and ive only ran 1 day this week. i think i might just do the walk now though b/c my knee has been hurting. well lets hope after a nap i can get energy to go get food and get things prepared for party day tomorrow! and my husband will be home tonight :) he has been at training for a few days out of town so it will be nice to smooch his face. i hope everyone has a great weekend! and hopefully baby russell will come this weekend too :)

progesterone is so fun

new side effects i am developing: nausea and gas (boy did my mom and sis love me today) and fatigue and a fun rash!! the rash started a few days ago and we thought maybe it was a heat rash or something, but its all over my arms now. and my body is always itching. i read that these are all side effects so no worries. ill fight thru them. yippee. lets wait and see what else happens to my body. happy birthday rita pita pumpkin eata!

my cute niece

oh no!!

its supposed to rain next saturday which is my mommy's party day!! and my 5k and tysons golf tourney. im not gonna lie, i wouldn't be sad if it rained enough that tyson couldn't golf but it was sunshiny for the party and he could be at the party all day. :) lets hope the forecast changes though just to be safe!! happy 4th everyone!!!

yippee skippee

man july is always such a fun packed month!! my family has been here for the past few days so we have been having fun swimming, eating lots of food, playing cards, etc. last night my wonderful friend took me out to eat for my bday then i met another friend for a few glasses of wine then went back to visit more with fam. and my next few days are packed with bday fun!!!

today i am going to the gym if i can get my lazy ass outta bed soon, making raymees yuuuummmy bean salsa dip, going to mommys pool, going to church, then party at drews mommys house.

tomorrow is lake day!!! boating is so much fun! but i do get nervous on big holiday weekends like this b/c people get ignorant. then heathers having a party tomorrow night!

monday is my special bday day! too bad the cabinet guys ruined our knights action park plan. so after they leave we are gonna head down to the river and go to a winery then either the loading dock or fast eddies. or heck maybe both!!!

then wednesday me and mommy and renee our celebrating our bday week together and going shopping and having a fun girls day.

thursday night is my dinner party for my friend jake. (how am i ever gonna get my house done before then)

saturday is 5k race day and my moms party!!! then the next day i leave for iowa for a few days!

man this is gonna be a busy week!!! have a fun holiday (and birthday) weekend!! :)

quote of the day

"ive been praying for happiness to find you"

great. thanks. cause ive been praying for craziness to leave you!! :)

Warning: This is a TMI post. if you dont like it, dont read it :)

My water broke!! or at least thats what it felt like! (okay maybe not that extreme) So I started my progesterone capsules today and I thought they wouldn't be as messy as the suppositories. boy was I wrong. Tyson asked me if I was peeing down my leg.... ha! hello to the diapers again!! Oh well, we gotta do what we gotta do. My only concern is swimsuit??? We are going to knights action park next week, boating, pool parties. and especially if I take my midday dose.... hmmm, any suggestions??

gypsy

could anyone else just listen to fleetwood mac all day? or is that just me?

a moment of sadness

today im sad im not 8 months pregnant (or 6 months or 5 months). i told tyson the other day that i should have a huge belly right now. i should be feeling those kicks and have a baby room all prepared for my little one to come home to. but we have none of those things. someday.

cabin

this is our specific cabin we are staying in:

http://www.mountainchalets.com/Rentals/unit_ATOP.aspx

all the cabins are so cheap and really nice. it would be fun to go back with a group of people sometime. they have everything you need for cooking and grilling out too. im so excited :)

summer laziness

not much new here in my world. got a cute little tattoo yesterday. thinking about all the stuff I need to be doing around my house and not doing it. ahh gotta love summer break laziness! but I have been working out still. I ran 3 miles today woot woot. I have to since I'm signed up for the 5k in Nokomis July 10. Running is killing me though. I can do a little under 2 miles and feel good. I hate running over 3 miles and feeling like I wish my leg would break so it will be over. I wanna start a 2 mile race for lazy people like me. I could maybe win something like that. And I'm not supposed to have any tight clothes or anything rubbing this tat. Its kinda impossible on your hip. Oh well, it will survive.

tonight I have a retirement party for my principal at the KC Hall and my husband ditched me for work... imagine that! then tomorrow I have A LOT to do! Lacey's baby shower real quick like, Mila's 1st bday part in STL real quick like, then get back for my cousin's reception real quick like.... again, all by myself. My husband worked his 2 days off this week and in 2 weeks he is working his 2 days off that week too. A good friend is coming in from out of state and I am throwing a dinner party when he is gone. He pretty much works everyday of his life! I think people think I'm joking when I say I'm married b/c no one ever sees him. The family at the wedding I am going to this weekend hasn't ever even met him!!! How f-ing sad! Thats my husband-on his own plan. But of course I still love that man!

now off to get a pork chop for lunch and some spray paint for a gun?? OH and we aren't going to colorado anymore. We booked a cabin in the Smokies :) We are so excited! and I have my hub all to myself for a whole week!! have a great weekend all! xo

tattooooo

so ive been wanting to get a tattoo and now i think i am getting 2 wednesday and an ear piercing. kinda random. and i might be having a few other people getting tattoos with me... :) yipee

the exciting conference call

just as i figured, the conference call wasn't anything i didn't already know. she just said all tests are fine so try again when im ready. miss pessimistic that i am, i had to ask, "so what if it happens again". she just said we would do a d/c asap and test the tissue b/c there is still a 50% chance that a loss would be from a chromosomal defect even though we aren't carriers. so although we want to be positive going into another pregnancy, that isn't so easy. she also said she will put me on progesterone after i ovulate. may not help, but doesn't hurt. i am hoping for oral meds this time though :) but i wont complain either way. from what i read in the past, you start it the day after ovulate but stop the day before you are supposed to start your period, unless you find out you are pregnant you continue. sounds complicated, but im glad i get to start it earlier (at 2 weeks pregnant), rather than in the past when I have started at 4-5 weeks pregnant.

so ive been thinking... my specialist is really nice, but sometimes its frustrating feeling like no one knows whats going on. I had started to read a couple books that I ordered months ago, but got distracted with the house project. One is called Coming to Term, and it discusses how drs treat miscarriages like infertility. So they run similar tests that really don't have to do with things that cause m/c. My dr did even tell me that in the medical field, they do not actually know what causes m/c, but they look at things that COULD cause it and try to fix those. So it is frustrating, but since science can't even solve my problem, there is even more reason to trust in God! :) The other book I got was Silent Sorority. It talks about women WITHOUT children-rarely heard of. how society assume all women have children and how to conquer moving forward with your life without the things you have always dreamt of and hurdling the common questions that i used to ask and many others ask, such as "when are you gonna have kids?" I HATE THIS QUESTION!! I probably didn't think much of it before, but now when i get asked that question not I turn red, wonder what others around me who know my situation are thinking, and hope that someday I won't have people ask me that question anymore. I am more hopeful lately... even if I do have to go through many more losses. My journey is only making me stronger, more thankful, and closer with God. It will all be worth it in the end, baby or no baby. I've came this far in life growing through all my experiences and I will make it through this too! Have a wonderous week all!! love love

in the clear

so we got our final blood test results back and everything is fine!!! so it means we have the correct number of chromosomes and they are shaped correctly, which i assume means we don't have to do invitro fertilization which makes me super happy!! we have a phone conference with the dr wednesday and im sure she will just say there is nothing medically that they have found that is causing the miscarriages so try try again. of course my question is, what if it happens again. i know everyone thinks i should just be worry-free when trying again but thats obviously is not simple.

i had a nice weekend away. i went camping! although my legs are fried to a crisp and covered in skeeter bites, it was worth it. we road bikes, golfed, made lots of yummy food, and played games. now ive gotta take out all our drawers in our cabinets and clean the kitchen b/c our countertops come tomorrow. yipee. happy sundee people.

summertime!

Ahhhh! I love summer! I love having so much time to workout, get stuff done around the house, golf, read, swim, and cook! Brent finished yesterday with the house... but we are far from being done. My brothers are going to hang the lights hopefully within the next few weeks, I have fill in all the nail holes and paint all the trim and doors and other touch-ups, and the countertop, sink, and dishwasher will be in next week. I'm having trouble finding motivation to finish up with my painting and cleaning.... I just want a day on the couch :) thats what I'm used to summer being about.

I am still anxiously awaiting the arrival of our genetic testing results. I've been checking the mail as soon as it gets here everyday. If it isn't here by Friday I am going to call :)

I hope everyone is having a great summer!!

chromosome test: check!

We finally got the chromosome test done today and I'm already anxiously awaiting the results! but it will be about 10 days before we get the results. Lets hope our chromosomes make it to north carolina safely and on time and we don't have to go in again!!

Summer break is already making me tired! I get so lazy when I'm on break. I loooove sleeping in, which really just makes me more tired!! :) But I am not enjoying my contractor banging on everything. Poor tyce has had to deal with this longer than I have! But we are approaching the end soon I believe! Hopefully 2 weeks I'm shooting for! Well I'm off to my summer job #2! Thank God its only an hour out of my week :) Have a great week all!!

holiday weekend

So here is my life lately: We were approved for our genetic testing. So friday we were at the hospital for over an hour b/c they didn't know what blood test to do. Then after figuring it out, they decided they couldn't do it b/c it has to make it to north carolina in 2 days and it wouldn't with the holiday weekend. So we are now getting it done Tuesday morning. I am also having a b2 glycoprotein test also??? We visited my uncle in the hospital while we were waiting. (ps springfield hospital released him and he is home taking meds. glad no heart surgery!) We ran errands in springfield, then I went to my moms for supper and out to the club for drinks. Saturday the appliances were delivered, dustin finished the lights, and our cabinets were finished. I went to a wedding reception and got to visit with jayme. Today I am gonna try to get all the stuff out of the bedrooms and put it all back in cabinets. I am so ready for this house project to be done. Next week will be busy with appointments and house stuff still. Then the following week I start back doing summer school. :( I always regret choosing to do summer school. I keep saying, I won't do it next year b/c I'll have kids. Maybe next year I will really be able to use that excuse. Hopefully I can start working out again next week and get back to feeling 'normal'. I hope everyone is having a great weekend. happy 5 year anni to heather and dustin. and much love to my dad. its crazy its been 5 years without you!! xo

slow as a snail

so i really like my specialist, but their laid back time schedule drives me crazy. she just called me today to tell me the results about my blood work i had a month ago that I already knew the results for b/c i had a copy sent to me the same week i had it done. then she asks if i have heard from insurance about my genetic testing (I am thinking-you are supposed to be letting me know!!). And ps I told her nurse monday to PLEASE call me as soon as they find out about the genetic testing so we can do it asap. the nurse said they will call me as soon as they find out. so i decided to call insurance today and they said yeah we sent a letter to them last week approving it. grrrrrrr!! if my dr's office was on top of it we could have possibly had the test done this week and maybe "tried" this month! so now you better believe once i give my chromosomes to them I will be calling every day to see if they got the results. and I will have the hospital send me a copy again so I can know sooner than a lot later. so i know im complaining, and i love my dr, but when you have been trying a long time to have baby, every month counts!!! after she gave me my tests results she says so are you gonna try this month.... she confuses me b/c i thought she had agreed that we should wait until after the genetic testing. im just confused right now and pissy that no one is on top of shit!!!

But on another note... SCHOOLS OUT!!! Well almost. tomorrow is a institute day. i am playing a victim in a shooting scenario we have. then we have our principals retirement party tomorrow night. then friday we only have to be there 2 hours. so silly. i am excited to have one thing off my plate and get this house project done soon hopefully. the cabinets will be installed tomorrow and we will have appliances this weekend. the only thing we will have to wait on is the countertop for almost 2 weeks :( so that means no sink in the kitchen or dishwasher still either. and then brent has to start on the other bathroom. but besides that, we should just have lights and touching up paint. i need to pick shutters and a front door but i really havent thought much about that stuff yet. hopefully by my bday we will be completely done and be completely done with baby testing and have results back. i want a little relaxation on my summer break :) oh and we are going on a road trip this summer to south dakota and colorado and wherever else the hlshsrs mobile takes us. happy summer break everyone!!!

first crunkin post

in advance, please excuse grammatical errors. I will try my hardest to type my bestestest :) (haha funny joke) sooo today was my sonohyst. holy ouch. If I needed Tyce at any appt it was this one... and unfortunately, he wasn't there. I always feel bad waking him up on his work day to go so I thought he could miss this appt. wrong choice. i screamed and bawled. it was absolutely the worst pain ever. worse than a colposcopy (which is a biopsy), and maybe momentarily worst than my labor/miscarriage long drawn out contraction pains. then i realized why... when the sonographer told the dr "hey you are in too deep." before this started the dr told me there was a chance of damage to the cervix or bleeding. when she started cleaning my cervix that was bad enough someone jabbing at your organs, making you jump out of your skin. But then she said now you will feel cramping and i see the foot long catheter thing going in and feeling the worst pain of my entire life.... in that moment i wish i would have had my husbands hand there to hold or to wipe my tears, or have taken the offer from my sister to be with me. i thought i would be fine. boy was i wrong. after the catheter was in and she stuck the sono-wand in, we see a perfectly shaped uterus, which is great b/c she said there is nothing showing cause of m/c. but there was a huge lump looking thing.... oh not to worry.. she just thinks its my tissue torn from her going to deep. well holy fuck, bitch, why do you think i was dying? i dont know how many apologies i got and how many "are you okay"'s. but she said it isn't damaging and nurse mary has helped convince me i am not permanently damaged. sorry but at this point, i am nervous that any little mishap can hinder my baby chances. so they took like 5 min to discuss, "is this a polyp? no, i don't think so. I think its from going to deep. blah blah fucking blah" so decision was lump is her tearing my tissue. pissed about that 1st of all, and 2ndly, what if it is a polyp or some other weird lump.... helllllloooo lets follow up. i know i should just trust them. and besides, i dont wanna go through that pain again anyways. so todays appt was good new but bad pain. no matter what, we are thankful and feel blessed for positive news and great drs through this journey. sleep well all. i know i will :)