dana's life today

today was an off day for me. not sure what triggers got me to thinking baby thoughts... maybe just another year coming to an end. and 2 years of baby making complete with a lot of scary stories in between. i think also a relative (who i love so much) is in town and we were do like literally the same day and we would both have little boys. her pregnancy is still moving along great, and well you know my life story. i kind of dodged seeing her this weekend. i know thats might sound mean, but i always think what if i just broke down in tears in front of her. she might think im a mega biotch. my bff jaym would cry with me if i cried when she was pregnant. i dont think everyone is as understanding as that, so avoiding situations are sometimes easier for me.

my eyes filled up with tears today in church praying so hard for a little miracle. i guess some days are just more emotional than others. and its hard on me and tj too. i know guys handle things different-like avoidance. so i try to minimize baby talk around him. but some days we are on the same page of talking about things. like the other day he said something about a hopeful future baby being born on his bday, then tonight when i brought up baby stuff it was a major no no. ugh. why does this all have to be so hard? im just as sick of all of this as he is.

the past few months ive done what im supposed to do and have faith when you absolutely have no idea of the outcome. and be hopeful in a situation that has let you down multiple times. being positive sucks and today i dont wanna be that. it is a lot harder to be positive and convince yourself all these great things will happen when reality has shown you quite the opposite. so today im going to not smile and say "oh it will happen when its supposed to. God has a plan. Think positive and it will happen." bullshit. I say "this fucking sucks and quit telling me things that you can't promise. im pissed and id like to stay that way for at least tonight." :) goodnight blogtown