first crunkin post

in advance, please excuse grammatical errors. I will try my hardest to type my bestestest :) (haha funny joke) sooo today was my sonohyst. holy ouch. If I needed Tyce at any appt it was this one... and unfortunately, he wasn't there. I always feel bad waking him up on his work day to go so I thought he could miss this appt. wrong choice. i screamed and bawled. it was absolutely the worst pain ever. worse than a colposcopy (which is a biopsy), and maybe momentarily worst than my labor/miscarriage long drawn out contraction pains. then i realized why... when the sonographer told the dr "hey you are in too deep." before this started the dr told me there was a chance of damage to the cervix or bleeding. when she started cleaning my cervix that was bad enough someone jabbing at your organs, making you jump out of your skin. But then she said now you will feel cramping and i see the foot long catheter thing going in and feeling the worst pain of my entire life.... in that moment i wish i would have had my husbands hand there to hold or to wipe my tears, or have taken the offer from my sister to be with me. i thought i would be fine. boy was i wrong. after the catheter was in and she stuck the sono-wand in, we see a perfectly shaped uterus, which is great b/c she said there is nothing showing cause of m/c. but there was a huge lump looking thing.... oh not to worry.. she just thinks its my tissue torn from her going to deep. well holy fuck, bitch, why do you think i was dying? i dont know how many apologies i got and how many "are you okay"'s. but she said it isn't damaging and nurse mary has helped convince me i am not permanently damaged. sorry but at this point, i am nervous that any little mishap can hinder my baby chances. so they took like 5 min to discuss, "is this a polyp? no, i don't think so. I think its from going to deep. blah blah fucking blah" so decision was lump is her tearing my tissue. pissed about that 1st of all, and 2ndly, what if it is a polyp or some other weird lump.... helllllloooo lets follow up. i know i should just trust them. and besides, i dont wanna go through that pain again anyways. so todays appt was good new but bad pain. no matter what, we are thankful and feel blessed for positive news and great drs through this journey. sleep well all. i know i will :)