type it out

so i was discussing this with my counselor yesterday... i am feeling bad, guilty, not normal... the only days i have cried have been the day we found out our baby's heartbeat stopped, for one minute the day of my d&c b/c a nurse asked why i was having the procedure done and i was unsure of how to answer, when we found out we would be finding out the sex, and at our dr appt last week. ive not given anything deep thought or cried since. i can talk about it medically and even emotionally but not be that connected. i think this miscarriage hurt worse than others but i guess im just dealing with it better??? my fear is that i am depressing the feelings like i did with the loss of my parents then it comes back to haunt you. maybe also b/c we are not trying and our minds are away from baby world so im just not letting myself go there. but at the same time i feel guilty. i feel like i havent went through a mourning period like i did with others. i know i will still have bad days, but maybe im unfortunately being numb to the feeling of losing something so close. i keep stopping myself and thinking about making myself think about things and getting a big cry out. but thats like torture. and i have been in such a happy, wonderful place lately so why ruin it. im sure sadness of my losses will come rushing back to me when we get to visit wash u reproductive endocrinology and infertility again. i noticed the other day that they absolutely have no parenting or pregnancy or family life magazines in that place like every other drs office. i like them for that reason :) thanks for listening blogspot!