having a bad night

tonight is the first time i have cried since our dr appt weeks ago. the baby thoughts are going through my head again. although im not ready to be pregnant and go through the worry again, i feel like i wanna try again because im tired of waiting. yes we have been trying for 2 years, but thats not the wait im talking about. its the wait of knowing if we are having kids or not. i feel like i almost wanna get it over with if im supposed to have a few more m/c then i say okay im done. i am tired of just not knowing. i know tyson is not ready to try again though AT ALL. it makes me so sad to see him so turned off about kids now. since we have met i was always attracted to his love for kids and his excitement to have our own. now that is COMPLETELY gone. i feel alone in wanting to try again, but i do understand where he is coming from. his concern is having a child with birth defects and that is all that goes through my head too. our dr says its a fluke, but then i read that our chance are higher of having another trisomy (which would probably m/c again unless downs). i wish my dr would just say its not recommended to try again. the decision wouldnt be on my shoulders for the rest of my life. how do you put an end to something you have ALWAYS wanted more than anything else? its not fair! im so sad that things cant just be exciting and normal like the majority of the people in this fucking world.