today is an emotional day

tears have been forming very easily today. i got a call from my specialist and i was tearing up before i even answered. still no news on the chromosome testing of little baby. my friend brought her little newborn into work today so i got to snuggle with him a bit and soon im heading to go see my new little cousin who is 1 day old. so i think that may also contribute to my emotional roller coaster today.

some thoughts going through my head: all of these thoughts about us stopping permanently is weighing heavy on me. i want the drs to tell me something is so wrong that we have to stop for good and i can have an excuse to give up. then the next second i think, but what if next time would have been IT! then the next second i think, but what if next time we think everything is fine and we make it to 20+ weeks and lose baby then. we already have sad memories of all of our losses (my ultrasound pics when we saw and heard baby's heart beating on my night stand). we dont want memories of a baby that we saw or held that we weren't going home with. hub is just so over this baby business and ready to move on with our childless lives. one second im there with him, but the mother in me has some hope that maybe it could happen some day. and now not only do i have horrible fears of having a stillborn, but im petrified that if our child lived they would have so many other disabilities. is all of this worth it? lots of thoughts going through our brains and not happy ones. just sucks that this whole pregnancy experience has hurt us so much and been so much negativity in our lives. 2 years of our lives have been consumed into baby making, pregnancy, and loss (okay the 3rd part was only the bad part). for now we are just excited to get back to our lives for awhile and focus on ourselves. although, i wish i knew if it was for good or only temporary. hopefully our visit next friday will give us some idea of that.