since our recent miscarriage we have had many heated discussions about trying for another baby. tyson is absolutely 100% against it. im just heartbroken by this news b/c i feel we should try again. let me just start with saying i TOTALLY understand where he is coming from. he's tired of seeing his child on the u/s with a beautiful beating heart and then going back to the next u/s in high spirits and hopeful, and it turning into the darkest day ever. he's tired of sending me off to surgery to have our dead baby removed from me and worrying that i may hemorrhage again and not make it this time. he's tired of seeing me sad, exhausted, and heartbroken too. i get it all. but in a mother's heart you always want more living, beautiful babies to hold. its not fair. we got pregnant by surprise which is so exciting! but since it was by surprise, i wasn't on meds to help me carry the baby. now i feel like my final chance is ripped away from me. if i could just have one more chance with all the right meds that helped hazel to be here today i swear i would be done after that. of course if he agreed i would probably try a million more times to have a baby here with us but he doesn't want to. im just asking for one.more.try.
i know people are just trying to be helpful but they say 'oh it will happen when you least expect it.' yes i know this! it has! its not a good thing! i need to have everything in order before i get pregnant to make sure baby will stick. unfortunately i got pregnant without knowing. i lost a baby and a best friend from the deal (which is a whole 'nother story).
id like to stay hopeful that he will change his mind in time. but i know he feels very strongly about it. i would rather know now anyways than being hopeful he will change his mind in a few years and be let down then. i want to deal and move on.
i also want to say i know my sweet hazel is a blessing. when we were having miscarriages years ago i just wished at least for one baby. i couldn't be happier. i know there was a high chance of us not having any children. tyson wanted to be done right before we tried for hazel. i think he knew i would be truly insane if i did not have a child. all ive ever wanted is to be a great wife and mom. and i am that. i couldnt be more thankful for what i have. i think i just never really pictured her being an only child though. i have to get all the what if's out of my head: what if something happened to our only child, what if something happened to both of us, what if shes upset she has no siblings, what if shes lonely.... this list goes on forever. trust me. i am trying to focus on all the blessings i have right now, quit comparing my family to others, and look at all the positives of having one, which surprisingly im seeing are a lot!!
i think im just thinking like majority of people do- that you just don't have ONE kid. well we do now. we have one fucking awesome kid. i know im her mom, but i truly think shes a really amazing person. sweet, caring, loving, beautiful, happy, funny, joyous, smart baby girl.
(sorry some of the post was graphic, but its how i feel and real life. deal with it.)
Let me be the first to say that you should freely speak your mind. So many women suffer this in silence. I absolutely understand your desire for more babies or even just one more baby. I can imagine your sweet morsel of perfection, Haze, only intensifies the feeling. I will say that one or three (in my case), the worry is about the same :( I worry the very same things you do.... It's so scary that our future is unknown. I admit, it does get easier as they grow up to let go of some of the scariest thoughts. We wouldn't be normal, good mamas if we didn't worry :) having a babe means your heart now walks around outside of you and it's bittersweet. All I know for sure is that you are amazing and your every prayer & wish is mine also xoxoxo so much love!!
ReplyDeleteDamn right you've got an amazing little girl- she comes from her amazing Mama! Life may be a little different than you imagined, but it sure will still be a wonderful life. It'll take an adjustment period, even a mourning period I'm sure. But you are and will continue to be an amazing mother of your only Hazel. Can't wait to see you again my dear :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know exactly what you're going through, but I do know the feeling of someone saying "It will happen when you least expect it" and I also understand the feeling that comes immediately after that.....waiting to punch them in the face. I also understand the feeling of being thankful for one beautiful baby, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't want more just because you have been blessed with one. I hope you don't ever feel like you should apologize for your feeling and what you write on your blog, because it's YOUR blog. If someone is offended, they don't have to read it. Whatever decision you and Tyson come to, will be the right one for the two of you and your family. xoxoxo
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