insurance is so fun!

So the dr's office called, but not about the test results... about insurance! Surprisingly Tyson's insurance covers anything we have done no questions asked (funny how they don't cover a dime of his $3000 emergency room bill we will be paying on the for the next few years). But my insurance wants letters from my drs and proof showing I've had 3 m/c. She said you will need to get approved before you go get your lupus screening and IGG. Welllll too bad I already got those last weekend b/c you told me insurance didn't need to approve those. So it will be a month before we hear back from my insurance if we are approved for this genetic test and the ones I already got done. Even though it is annoying, I am thankful that Tyson's insurance will cover it and hopefully mine will too with letters from my drs. But they did say that my insurance only covers $20,000 for testing and IVF or IUI in your lifetime, so if we do have IVF, it looks like we may only get to try it once. And we might not even have to do that option, but thinking- one try, maybe one child....wow life is always way different than you plan.

On another note-seems like we will be having a busy weekend! Tonight we are going to Edwardsville to eat with my sister and brother-in-law. Tomorrow we have lots of cleaning and errands to run before construction starts monday. Sunday I am going to buy our bathroom sinks, kitchen hardware, and whatever else I can stuff in my car! Oh, and I think I might just go to West County mall even though I feel broke. I've been dying to go to Nordstrom and go on a shopping spree. Thank God for credit cards :)

bloodwork results

my dr hasnt called with the results but i asked the hospital to send me my own copy, and it has arrived. from what i can interpret, everything is pretty much normal. darn. i was hoping there would be something off and they could give me a shot to fix it. ha! if only it were that easy. tyson says hes glad its all normal with this round of bloodwork though. he wants to start trying asap! no thank you! guess we will wait and see what the next tests show. they say like 50% of people results don't show any problems then you just try again and pray. i am hoping something is wrong that we can fix and then i would feel more confident trying again. well im gonna start supper and then off to the purse party! ill update you all more if i hear from the dr. xo

what ifs and whys

why has this been such a hard week? I keep wanting to blame it on the hormones, but how long can that really be the excuse? and how do you know the difference between hormones and depression? like i said this morning, it must be hormones if I cry when chief henry dies on saved by the bell. but for the past week I cry every single day. I was at yoga class and started tearing up while in the triangle pose??? I get upset when I am around anyone besides my mom or tyson. I was so excited to have a girls night last friday with some friends, and when I was there I found myself feeling like I was in a world all alone. I come home to sob for hours. I feel mostly sad that I feel like such shit day in and day out. I cannot even function from being so tired. I feel lethargic and I can't do a thing. I can't make dinner, clean, live like a normal human being.... I am so tired of feeling so bad, physically and mentally. I get upset b/c I am scared of EVERYTHING! I am scared every night that that might be the last time I see my husband. I am scared that someone is going to break in and kill me in my sleep. (I know I am a crazy worrier) Most of you who know me well know that I am scared of these things all the time. But lately I am so scared to get pregnant. While sobbing the other night and praying to God, I actually said I did not want to be pregnant again. I couldn't believe the words came out of my mouth! I always wanted 3 kids or more, but now I am not sure how I will even make it through one pregnancy without going insane. Most people do not understand what I am going through so don't understand how I feel about pregnancy now. Everyone says oh once you hear the heartbeat or you get further along in your pregnancy you won't worry as much. I'm sure every mother worries throughout her pregnancy. But now with everything I've experienced, I know I will never enjoy pregnancy. I was so excited to get pregnant and enjoy feeling my baby grow inside of me, and now I am petrified. Right now I am at a point where being pregnant is not anything I want. Do I want a child right now? Hell yes! But I do not want to go through 9 months of worry and depression. You know with loss (of a family member or friend) you usually learn to deal with things and move forward the best you possibly can. With miscarriage, you have loss to deal with, then trying again knowing that there is a big possibility (50% in my case) that you will lose this angel you have prayed for yet again. Is it worth all the pain? If there is a baby at the end of this road, then yes it is. But what if there isn't? How long do I put myself through this?

down for the count

so yesterday I had to get 7 vials of blood drawn and they called after I left because they forgot to do one. I had to fast yesterday morning so I thought I would again this morning for the one they forgot....bad idea. So she stuck the arm that I told her people don't have good luck with. She twisted it and tried but no blood would come out. So she took it out and stuck the same arm they did yesterday-ouch. I don't like needles, but I was doing fine. Then I squeezed Tyson's hand and whispered that I feel sick. Then I started saying I really don't feel good and things are looking dark. Next thing I remember was Tyson slapping my face saying "babe, breathe, wake up". I remember kind of hearing him, but I couldn't see or talk. He said my eyes were rolled back in my head and the blood lady was freaking. He had to tell her to go get help! Then a little light started to come back and I could see a bunch of ER nurses. They wanted to take me to the ER but I said no more medical bills please!! So after waking up some more and drinking some juice they let me leave. Now hubs is making me sit on the couch all day! I won't complain! Maybe he will spoil me some more than he already does, considering I freaked him out today!! I have never passed out before and it was not fun!!! Hope everyone has a good relaxing day like I will be having! xo

this brings me back to the rally sport days

specialist appt #1

well we had our first appt at wash u today. no news to tell really. we just reviewed health history for an hour and half to come to the conclusion that we are both healthy. so she just sent me with some scripts and that was it. i have to get 8 different blood tests tomorrow morning. then we have a prescription of an antibiotic that we both have to take once i start my period just in case we have some bacteria that could be making me m/c??? then i have to get an x-ray/sono thing with dye of my uterus. then once our insurance approves it (pray tyson's shitty insurance does), we have to get bloodwork to see if we carry a chromosomal abnormality. if everything turns out okay then we just pray and try again. or if there isn't something wrong with our chromosomes she said we would do invitro fertilization (ivf) to make sure we have a good egg and good sperm with correct chromosomal make-up and they would implant it. hopefully if anything is wrong, it is an easy fix. i would not look forward to ivf.

we ordered our cabinets and flooring today also. so after a long day of running around, i am going to relax. happy hump day!

yayayayay

yay for today!!! our ultrasound showed the sac is all gone. there are still some clots but they will pass. i am so relieved you have no idea!!! so after our appt we celebrated at darcy's pint. now that we feel fat we are going to see 'date night' and get more fat on popcorn and sodi pop.

tomorrow we have our appt with the specialist and i haven't really thought about it much b/c i have had countertops, cabinets, and flooring on my mind, which will all be ordered tomorrow. and i think b/c i have no idea what to expect at the specialist, i can't really think about it if i don't know what to think about :) so now i'm off on my date! hope everyone is enjoying their week! xoxoxo