due date number 4

today is the due date of my little boy. its been a hard couple weeks anticipating this date. months since we lost him have been difficult as well with no success getting pregnant again on top of it all. its so difficult getting something pulled away from you that you have always dreamed and hoped for. like my new dr said to me, 'you become a mom the moment you pee on that stick.' its so true. for any of you that have been pregnant you know the moment you see that positive you make sure you are taking care of your little one inside of you the best you can. you even start planning things in your head. i am a mom. i might not have little ones running around my house, but i have carried 4 little beans in my belly. i am grateful for the time i got with them and hoping very soon i will carry a healthy baby full term with a live birth! so today im missing my little boy even more. i love you little guy!

positive

i love sitting by this front window listening to music. i love opening the shades each morning to let the sun in and looking out at the lake. sunshine makes things better. and it makes me wanna get out there and go for a walk. i feel so blessed to live in our nice little neighborhood in such a cute little house. and its a dog friendly neighborhood which is perfect for us. its been such a wonderful weekend keeping active with friends and family. im very happy with some changes ive made in my life recently. it helps keep me happy... most of the time :) have a wonderful week! im hoping it flies by so we can get to another weekend!

the weekend is here

here is my weekend itinerary:

last night i went shopping and had din with ann

tonight going shopping and din with mom and mark

tomorrow tyce's parents for lunch with the fam

full of fun and love :) happy saturday all!

negative

reminder: if you dont like my negative blogs then please dont read them.

i have been really down this week and just cannot get myself back up. im losing faith, hope, peace... and anything else positive. im sure its easy for people to think i just need to get over things, but honestly id like to see anyone try for something so long and experience 4 losses. im just so done!!! i told God i am so done! i know thats funny since 'God has a plan', but truly i have hit my limit of 'no more than you can handle'. im bitchy, mean, pissed off, frustrated, snarky, hateful and every other word i never want to be. and right now i just cannot help it. i told tyce i wanna just go to another country for a year (maybe longer) with no contact to anyone! i need a break. but lets be realistic-not happening. why take a break just to start the chaos all over and go through the same heartache? why prolong more pain? i guess just bring it all on at once.

i just cant help the 'shoulda' shit. 'i should have a 8 month old by now.' 'i should be having my baby boy this month.' i know you cant change it, but it doesnt make it hurt any less. if i never would have gotten pregnant it obviously wouldnt hurt so bad. its something ripped away from you that is everything you ever hope for (4 times). and the fear of how many more times will i have a loss?

i pray daily for peace, comfort, patience, and for me to just be so focused on what i DO have. its not helping. probably doesnt help the clomid was a bust and left me with wanting to eat everything in sight and pimples on my face. and its buddy progesterone makes me exhausted. im so sick of synthetic shit and planning. but i guess this is just where we are.

now time to devour a sleeve of girl scout cookies.

done

today i feel like we got a lot accomplished, although i wasnt the one doing all the hard work. tysons dad came and did some electrical work we have been putting off for about a year!! and then our new beautiful front door was installed today as well! now i just need my brothers to come install my new outside lights and i need to paint the shutters and outside will be done! today i also did laundry, cleaning, cooking, and getting stuff ready for a yard sale. now off to shop for groceries and visit my stepmommy. hopefully tomorrow wont be too busy. i know im doing church and visiting my nephews, but hopefully thats it besides preparing a good sunday dinner for my hub. any ideas for a yum sundee dinner? tonight we are having corned beef and cabbage-a little sneak peak to st pat's day.

dear blog

happy anniversary! for one year you have been my punching bag and an outlet of so many emotions. you are kind of a supplemental therapist. you have also been a good record keeper for me since im not so great at that. sometimes my posts are happy, sometimes they are sad, and sometimes even mad. the things i say dont always make sense, but it doesnt matter b/c i know you arent judging me. i love you little blogspot. kiss kiss.

yum

what a fab day its been. we booked our trip and had chinese. then we were lazy for a few hours and tj decided we should bake chocolate chip cookies. so we went to the store to get our supplies. we made homemade pumpkin chocolate chip muffins so they were ready for dessert after dinner. then i made a beef and spinach pasta dish my lovely sis in law gave me. i made it with a brown rice noodle so it was a little healthier. when i explained it to tj he was not excited. but once he had a bite, he was in love! and so was i! it was fabulous with some garlic bread. now i am trying my hardest to stay away from these 2 dozen muffins for the rest of the night. movie time with tj before my bachelor date with beth at 7! xo