my brain likes to do the thinking... or maybe its my heart

today my mind has been going. you know that happens every once in awhile. even when ive been thinking lately at least ive been emotionally in a good place. i was reading a thread today on bbc and all the fear of m/c came back to me. it was someone who had another m/c and just reading her story reminded me of the fear and heartbreak of it all. although every time we tell ourselves to be emotionally prepared for another m/c and to not get our hopes up it never works that way. you truly think 'this is it! its the one! its gonna work!' i am ready for baby SOOOOO much, but im just not ready to go through that again.... but when would you ever be ready for that again? i have had hope that eventually some day we WILL have kids from our genes that i carry full term in my little belly. but today i got to thinking again and you never really know what will happen. although i wish i was pregnant this month, its kind of a relief when i get my period. its like 'ahh, i get to relax for a few weeks' before i start thinking 'omg could i be pregnant this month?!' but then i get on bbc and calculate a due date for next cycle b/c trying for a baby is still fun. its still exciting to think about when a baby could be here. then you scroll down and see how it grows each week and i just have this feeling of 'oh my gosh i just want that so bad' when it says 18 weeks you can feel your baby kicking. i want it SO bad. i think thats what a lot of people dont understand about this journey, not only do i want a child but pregnancy is a HUGE thing too that i want to experience. and birth. that experience you will never forget with your husband by your side. how freaking amazing!!!! so thats my mind today. wants and fears. but i guess thats what i have to go through to get to little healthy baby holshouser. someday. hopefully someday in 2011 :)