pregnancy number 6

its crazy when the nurse asks me what pregnancy this is for me.  6th.  thats a lot of little babies, but only one sweet miracle to show for it.

pregnancy number 6 was a surprise.  we never wanted to prevent again since we have had trouble in the past.  we actually were trying to be careful b/c i was going to mexico.  well God had a plan for us and the pee stick had 2 lines.  shocked but excited of course!  blood levels more than doubled like they needed to.  first u/s was only at 5w5d so we expected to just see growth but no heartbeat yet.  everything measured right on schedule and actually even a few days ahead which is a bonus!  next week we went back for another u/s and baby measure a few days ahead again and a strong hb of 126 for only 6w4d.  so they asked if i wanted to come back again the next week but i said lets wait a week and half to spread things out.  so at 8w2d i was nervous like i am for every appt but there were no signs of anything bad to come.  i was feeling nauseous and tired a lot.  the dr started the scan.  im pretty much a pro u/s tech now and can tell right away whats happening.  there was no little flicker for heart and baby was very still.  i watched him take a measurement of size and it said 7w4d.  i just looked away and cried.  he doesn't have to say a word b/c i already know whats happening.  he calls in an u/s tech to get another opinion.  she turns on the colorful tool where you can see blood flow.  there was no color on baby.  i could see tyson searching the screen and looking confused.  we always know its a possibility but we were kind of surprised.  with other pregnancies we had indications that things weren't good.  not this time.  we discussed different options of what to do now.  we decided to go with the d&c.  i didn't want to labor at home on the couch and have to take care of a child while go through this painful (mentally and physically) method.  plus last time we did the induction meds it took a few weeks to complete everything with 2 rounds of meds.  i am also hoping the d&c helps my body to get my hormones back to normal.  its no fun feeling tired and sick when theres nothing to be tired and sick for.

so the bad news came tuesday, and today we had the d&c.  its odd b/c i dont feel like im giving myself time to grieve right now.  i was worried about hazel and what if something happened to me.  i also think im just numb.  i remember going through the loss of my parents there were points i just could not physically cry anymore.  my brain detaches and just feels lost.  actually at my dads burial i didnt even cry.  i just stood there in a zone.  i remember someone asking if i was okay b/c i wasnt crying.  i just got tired.  tired of feeling, crying, hurting.  so my brain just stops.  i feel like this is what im going through this week.  i do cry at times (right now while i type), but other times its like im not connecting what it happening.  TMI: it used to be every bathroom trip was emotional seeing what was going on with other losses.  im not letting myself really make that connection this time.

okay back to today... so of course they schedule a pregnant lady's, who is starving and nauseous when you dont eat, surgery for the afternoon so you cant eat from midnight on.  they gave me a nausea patch and some meds in my iv to help.  speaking of the iv... i always tell the vampires my veins are not cooperative.  they look at you like 'ive heard it all before... whatev'.  i told the lady some of my past horror stories and she says 'i wont stick you 50 times like that'.  shes eating those words.  she tried my elbow first.  first you get the numbing meds that sting like a mother.  then comes the iv... twist, turn, in, out, wait its no longer in, okay i think i got it, oh your arm is ballooning up, the vein blew and all the fluid is going under your arm.  so she takes it out then painfully is trying to push hard to get all the fluid out.  i just wanted to scream stop.  tyson was holding me and reminding me to breathe.  i thought i was but each time he said it i realized i wasn't.  so then onto the wrist.  numbing meds, burning, dang i cant get it again, in, out, okay i guess ill call someone else to try, then she finally got it.  i have needle phobia and these bitches wonder why.  [needles]s to say, my arms are swollen and bruised.  (wonder how i will explain that at work since i told everyone my husband had surgery).

so after that trauma, my dr came in.  he is new and tuesday was the first time we met.  he is the head of the ob team and i really like him.  today impressed me even more.  he walked in and recognized us right away.  he had talked to our specialist we went to with hazel and he just remembered everything they talked about and so much history about me.  i finally feel like i have a dr who remembers me and cares. all others are nice but i just dont stand out in their mind.  hes very caring, knowledgable, and thorough. i met the rest of the crew and then headed back.  it didnt take long to be off in sleepy land.  i woke up crying for hazel.  i just kept saying i missed my daughter.  they nurse started crying and saying i know.  i realized she was confused.  i explained i have a living child and i was missing her.  and glad to be alive :)  i recovered quickly this time.  the dr said i did hemorrhage again but not bad or not too long i guess.  he said im just a bleeder.  he put some cytotec up my bum again to help do the work.  but finally food and drink.  well just saltines and sprite but i downed those puppies.  i was ready to get out of there and see my girl.  her hugs and kisses made me feel great.  now im home and in bed, wondering why i cant sleep when i took a strong pain pill over an hr ago.  i felt the need for blogging.  lots of thoughts running through my mind tonight.

i know things are still fresh, but the thought of having more children is always on my mind.  im soooo not ready for awhile.  maybe 6 months to a year at least.  but my concern is tyce.  he was done after pregnancy number 3.  im glad he finally got on board with keeping trying b/c we have a little girl from the perseverance.  but he seems very adamant about no more trying now.  i just dont see haze as an only child or us having no more children.  i am extremely blessed to have her and understand im lucky to have a child.  and i absolutely dont want to go through loss again.  but i always wonder what if.  what if that next time would work.  what if it was just so easy next time.  i guess we will have time to decide.

in the meantime i need to get back to me!  ive been so tired and nauseous and lazy.  ive been feeling like a bad wife and mom.  when i had all my m/c before i got in such a depression from feeling like constant crap.  fluctuating hormones makes you tired, sick, depressed.  i feel like a crazy mess and hate it.  i just want to be that fun wife and mommy again and enjoying life.  im hoping things feel normal again soon.  hazel keeps me motivated to get in the right frame of mind to try to get there.  hopefully i can start working out and doing things to make myself feel good.

well hopefully this pill will kick in soon and i can get sleep.  peace and love.