soul searching...

is that what its called?  self improvement?  all this that i constantly blog about, think about, talk about... it kind of annoying, right?  you've gotta be annoyed b/c i know i annoy myself.  yet i still cant help it.

so updates again:
-yep still didnt cut up that credit card.  maybe i just cant.  unfortunately i do enjoy shopping.  ive been better about not online shopping at all (deleted email notifications and zulily app).  and really doing better about thinking about necessity.  i go into a place with a list (ex: black maxi skirt, cut off shorts, pillows).  i really try to stick to my list.  i will say if i really love something i still get it, but at least im not buying 5 target tshirts in every color just b/c.  my sister in law and i had a discussion last night and it made me feel better that since im cutting down shopping, its okay to have that splurge every once in awhile when i do go.
-budget.. im still just writing down what im spending.  it helps to keep me in check.
-still no drinking :)  im having a tea party this weekend.  although my mom asked if she could bring baileys for her coffee.  it might be a drunken tea party.
-cell phone... i did go into at&t and try to get a nonsmart phone.  for some reason i cant do that with our sharing plan?? i still dont understand why.  but pretty much he said soon everything will be a smart phone.  since i gave up instagram for lent i really feel i dont use my phone as much.

so all of this (besides alcohol) just takes willpower and self control.  i dont have to get rid of my credit card or phone... i just need to be strong enough to limit myself.  i have issues with obsessions but the past few weeks im doing better of limiting these things.  hopefully that will continue.

i follow a few minimalist blogs.  this one is the main one i follow:
http://bemorewithless.com/

i follow her on fb and she posted this today to her other blog and i love it!
http://theproject333.com/change/

i really would like to start this challenge april 1.  i get motivated to do it, then a few days later i think 'maybe heathers right ;) im too hard on myself'.  and i go shopping.

one thing i keep saying I WANT TO BE LIKE but just dont do is teaching my daughter that looks and material things dont matter.  i think i posted an article a few years ago about us always telling girls how cute they are and commenting on looks.  when we should be commenting on how nice they are to a friend or ask them about what book they like etc.  im guilty!  and ive noticed hazel checking herself out in a mirror or even commenting on what im wearing to make me feel good.  talking to my sister in law last night again made me realize how badly im doing these things i dont want to.  i told her how hazel is picky about what she wants to wear etc and my neice could care less.  how awesome!  shes 4!  she shouldnt care!  kids are supposed to care about what fort they are going to build next or how much fun they are having spending time with friends.  so i think committing to this challenge would be good for me.  shopping less, using what we have, not concentrating on what the hell we are wearing, so i can enjoy what im doing!!  honestly, how shallow is it to worry so much about what you are wearing?  if im worried about what others think of what im wearing, am i judging them on their appearance too?  YUCK!!!!

i tell you, i get way too deep about the dumbest stuff ;)  but obviously it means something to me.  i want to be better.

APRIL 1ST!!!  who wants to join me in this challenge???

ive been meaning to post...

but time gets away from me.  hazel has been sick constantly and ive been napping when she does due to bad nights of sleep.

so lets talk about progress with my new years goals:
-no credit card.... uhhhh i still havent done it.  i initially kept it to buy hazels bed.  then i spun out of control AGAIN!  ive been having quite the battle with this one.  one day i am SO ready to cancel it, then the next i wanna SHOP and dont care.  YOLO raymee says :)  so true... but i might living once maybe shouldnt consist of so many material items.  i am on the kick to cancel it again.  i will as soon as i make all my returns.  i want those hundreds of dollars back from target.  not in gift cards that will just make me want more clothes!

-make a budget.... im not sure if its exactly a budget, but im writing down everything i spend and how much i make.  i think just tracking it helps me to see how much im spending.  i did it for tyson too but he never moved past january.

-pay off car by end of year.... until i complete that first goal, this wont happen.  but its definitely still doable.  hopefully work will stay steady and i can make this happen.

-no drinking... this was my big goal.  ive done it!  and loving it!!

ive also been working out hardcore at least 4x at the gym and now that its warmer we are bike riding, walking, and outside more.  we are in the lenten season and i gave up instagram which i usually check a zillion times a day.  its actually not hard at all.  id really like to give my smart phone up all together.  personally i feel like many people (including myself) post pics, statuses, etc as a way of bragging or showing off.  sometimes it is okay to share your accomplishments but i think we do it too much and look for that satisfaction of LIKES or comments.  too much pinteresting and wanting things (clothes for me).  TOO MUCH MEDIA and too easy to access.  its exhausting.  that is totally just my opinion.  its not a problem for most people.  but i feel like if i didnt have it i would make much better use of my time.  i obviously have no self control to just limit myself, so like drinking, i need to completely cut it out (and like my credit card too) :)

okay, done rambling with my opinions.  enjoy this sunshiny day!

2014

Some people aren't into New Year resolutions or a fresh new start... well I am.  I am very excited for 2014.  I feel like its a start to a great future!  I get to start living and stop worrying (hopefully).  This year I have some goals:
1.  No credit cards!  This will be hard but I just need to do it.  I want to simplify my life but just haven't really committed as much as I'd like.  I just need to do it.
2.  Create a budget.  We've never had a budget so I'm lost here.  But I really wanna be better with money and possibly save!
3.  Pay off my car this year!  Yeah I know these goals are boring and all about finances.
4.  No more drinking.  This will be hard.  Its something I've always wanted to do though.  I'm excited!!

then you know there is more stuff like go to church every week, workout more, stay off my phone and read more... but those are typical things and I feel like fade for me every year.

But I am really motivated to make those top 4 goals a priority.  I hope I can make it happen!

what does the new year mean for you?

slacker

ive been thinking of blogging a lot lately and just dont find the time to do it.  b/c im so busy minimalizing my life :) i love my new made up word-minimalizing.

so i started minimalist journey it looks like mid-late september when i posted last.  i have purged SOOO MUCH.  baby stuff, clothes, decor, usual junk!  but we did eliminate so many clothes that we were able to sell hazels dresser set and tyson and i share a dresser and hazel has the other one from our set.  we all still each have a closet so that is in no way minimalism.  this is something i really wanna work on further, but i was just initially doing my first big purge.  i threw away most of my college books and bookcase.  ive minimized our filing cabinet down to what could fit into a binder.  ive thrown away extras of most everything.  kitchen utensils, paper clips, pens, binders, etc.  so many things i havent used in years, but you hate to throw away push pins when you might need them someday... well guess what, get them out of the junk drawer and buy another box a dollar general when you need them again in 4 years.  all these concepts make a lot of sense to me, but its hard to let go sometimes.

now that i got a big portion of the junk out of the way, i feel like i can focus on each area.  i did each area but now i can go back and pare down more.  for example, i got rid of half of my tshirts, but i really need to go down to like 3.  one of my biggest hurdles is still my shopping habits.  i have been better about not going out and shopping, but zulily is still sucking me in.  i need to delete it, but i cant pass up the unique toys and clothes... even if its something hazel cant use for 3 years (whats wrong with me... hoarding is the opposite of minimalism).  i want to get to a point where i dont want want want.  i should only buy things b/c i need it, but like most people i get that high when i buy something new and i go back for more.  ADDICTION!!

so since we got rid of so much junk, our spare bedroom is now an organized playroom.  it used to be exploding with crap piled up.  you could not walk in there... seriously.  i organized the closet with hazels toys into different sections for music, dress up, cars, art, books organized by holiday and season, and future toys organized by age.  i still need to minimize junk in our only storage closet so i have room for hazels bigger toys for rotation times.  (side note, i think you can minimize toys, but i think its okay to have enough to rotate that your child will use.  if its something you use, you keep it!)  im anxious to get it all done now, but i have to remember its a process.  im not getting much else done lately b/c im so busy running to salvation army with loads of junk.  im going to try to start following these minimalists challenges to slow myself down but still be active in the process.

goals for the future:

• i eventually would like to have no dressers in our rooms.  we each have a WHOLE closet.  i could put a little bin in there for socks and underwear and you'd be good to go.  
• id like to get rid of all dvds and most furniture in our back large family room.  
• id love to have no cable and just do netflix, but hubby doesn't like this idea b/c he cant watch bama football.  anyone know how you can just watch a few of these channels when needed through any special programming?  
• one car would be cool, but i dont know if thats really realistic.  
• possibly going back to a non smart phone!!!  crazy, right?  how can i live without instagram... that will be hard.

some people think im crazy.  but i honestly think a lot of people want to live like this.  enjoy life with less possessions, not consumed by electronics, and more active.  if i want it, i should make it happen, right?  well im trying to, but i think it will be a long, hard process.  we will see if i can get to my goals stated above in a few years.

on to a whole new topic.... MY BABY!!

hazel will be 2 on monday!!!  whaaaat!  shes definitely becoming a terrible two-er, but such a fun age as well.  she loves her new playroom and so many new things to explore.  we put an old cd player in there so she can dance and listen to her music.  music has always been a big hit with her (along with books).  shes been dancing since she could sit up and singing early on.  she sings all kinds of songs-ALL of the ABC's plus the ending (now i know my... ), baa baa black sheep, twinkle twinkle, itsy bitsy spider, row row row your boat, seriously every kid song.  also some katy perry and what does the fox say.  we can blame nana for that ;)  oh, she also knows all her colors!  including brown, black, and white.  shes my little smarty!

she is so much stronger!!  we did a mommy and me tumbling class that ended tonight.  i was so happy to see her do wheelbarrows and feel her little body so tight and working hard!  i think this strength gives her confidence.  she has been exploring more, climbing, testing limits!  i love it!  even though i should be telling her to get down, i just giggle and say be careful.  its so neat to see her so bright eyed in excitement of something new!

speaking of our little sweetie... as of friday, she will officially be our only child!!  well let's hope now that all the baby stuff is gone!  i just have to convince hub to go back 2 times to check and make sure that it really worked.  stubborn hubby.  but i am so excited to be a small little family and move on with life.


life is good right now.  i feel so wonderful.  motivated, mostly stress free, and excited about life.  couldn't ask for much more right now :)

becoming a minimalist....ish

ive always got some new plan on how to make life better.  lately ive been purging all electronic toys and buying hazel toys that she can use her imagination with, along with creating activities to do out of natural materials.  birthday and christmas will be fun!

but this week ive come across information on how to become a minimalist.  it sounds like an awesome idea!  but hard to achieve at the extreme level that some people are.  these people have 5 shirts, 5 pairs of pants, and a couple pairs of shoes.  usually no dressers in the bedroom or side tables in the living rooms.  minimizing these things are proven to relieve stress b/c you have less maintenance, cleaning, and just liberating to live simply!

im realizing the more i read there is no right way to become a minimalist.  do what works for you.  it doesnt mean dressing or living like you are poor, but if you buy something new, toss out something old.  stop letting things pile up.  i will probably downsize some of my decor even though i dont have much to start with.  and as many of you know, i love shopping and clothes.... especially for hazel.  today i was able to purge more than half my clothes and shoes.  i dont know how i will do this with hazels stuff though.  im just starting small and moving my life into simplicity.  i think i will fall in between a organizer and minimalist.  i am doing this to mostly get organized and yes to feel like i dont always NEED NEED NEED.

since my last pregnancy loss, my shopping has been out of control.  ive been justifying hazel having so many new things b/c we are not having to pay for another child in daycare and other expenses.  its getting me into trouble!  i was reading a blog and it was talking about people shopping b/c it gives you a high and then you just keep doing it to feel good.  and it does feel so good :)  i love fashion shows after a day of shopping!  addiction!

so im trying to be realistic... i know i cannot NOT shop for a year like these people commit to.  but i am making a conscience effort to shop less and more with a purpose when i do.  purge a lot of things that we have not used for a long time.  and live a little simpler in little ways.  i may be back in a month and say i totally failed, but at least im making the effort at something positive.

Holshousers-party of 3!

so the last time i posted (not the one i posted 5 minutes ago of course) i was pretty devastated to end my days of pregnancy on a bad note.  after a few weeks of more soul searching and many, many discussions, i am feeling really good about the idea of hazel being our one and only child (here on earth).  i feel like there are so many reasons in our lives to be done.  obviously recurrent miscarriage being the main reason, but im also realizing its very important to my mental health.  my main priority currently is getting all my anxiety and depression under control that has taken over me the past 10 years.  trying to conceive makes me more anxious and depressed, i hold back from working out which is really important, and i cannot take certain medication (or i dont want to) if i could possibly be pregnant.  ive also realized just having a child makes me so much more anxious and stressed some days.  adding another for me would probably cause me to take my stress out on hazel or tyson, which makes none of our lives better.  why would i want to do that?  plus things that make me feel great are traveling, being outdoors and on adventures with my fam, and my relaxation time i get each night when haze goes to bed!  some people can do all these things with 2 or more kids.... me, not so much.  i was really hard on myself through the baby stage and im not sure its a great idea to go back.  im realizing how each person is different in what they can handle.  honestly im proud of myself for realizing what is best for my family and me and not making a choice mostly based just on what everyone else does.  of course there is still part of me that wants to be able to handle a big family, but i cant and thats okay.  ill spoil all my nieces and nephews and hazel will be close with them.  we are still very upset about all our losses but keep feeling like maybe its happening for a reason.  maybe i needed more time to think and i was so masked by the need to get pregnant again and show my body i can do it.  maybe not.  i really dont know.  but i do know that right now im very happy with our decision to have our little family of 3!

21 months

so yeah im not great on updating all the new things haze is doing to my blog like i mean to.  i think about it often but dont take time to sit down and do it.  honestly im not feeling motivated much right now, but i feel like i need to.  so this may be short and im sure ill forget so much.

last month hazel seemed to have quite the attitude... i know most would say she always does.  its really not true.  she is just nervous and very observant around people.  the last month was a lot worse though b/c tysons brother came to visit and my family did as well all at the same time.  she began telling anyone NO who got near her and tried to say hi.  this lasted probably a good 3 weeks.  right into old settlers where we see so many people who say, 'ooooh my isn't she just a doll!!!' and hazel replies with 'NO!!!'  at first i was so embarrassed and trying to correct her.  after a few weeks i realized me making a big deal of it and in so many words telling her 'no', it was just happening more.  so i stopped.  i could tell people kinda judged that i was letting my kid be rude maybe, but i just apologized and said shes going through a scared phase.  after all, as an SLP im happy she is communicating and thinking about things.  new people are scary and at 1 1/2 she doesnt know if im leaving her with them or why they are at our house.  when i stopped stressing about it, it stopped.  its nice to be back to my little sweetie pie.  and im still learning that its okay that shes shy, reluctant, and sensitive.  hub said he was this same way as a kid.  he turned out wonderful :)

other new things she is doing... well this is new, but i guess more advanced-singing.  she sings soooo many songs.  and has so many words right i cant believe it.  for my bday in july i was so surprised when she chimed in with tyce to sing happy birthday and she did for him yesterday too.  i hear her on the monitor in the morning singing A, B, C, D, E, F, G... then after that i think she starts singing twinkle twinkle.  im so impressed.  we really do not 'work' on things.  tyson sings to her in the bathtub and we do other times but im sure most of it comes from daycare.  im so happy she loves it there.

really in general her speech and language is fantastic.  she says 3-5 word sentences and repeats anything you say... not always great.  she amazes me with what she knows.

books, books, books.  hazel loves books.  she always has since a very young age.  but lately, its ALL she wants to do.  she has seriously not touched a toy in her toy basket in over a week.  i know this sounds weird but tonight i was questioning if something was wrong.  i mean its an obsession.  all she wants to do is read!  girlfriend, PLAY!!!!!  i still feel like missing out on the exploratory stage around 6-12 months somewhat affected her play skills.  she does pretend play which is advanced, but she doesnt like to play independently a lot and shes not getting into things and being creative with random things! (carrie, advice please)  she would rather us be there with her showing her what to do.  we try to give her opportunities to play on her own but it usually doesn't last too long... unless its with books :)  but i know a bookworm is a good thing!

in the area of gross motor, haze has made a lot of improvements this past month.  a few weeks ago i noticed the slip through (her arms raising up when you pick her up under her armpits) disappearing!!  remember this should be gone after the first few months of life.  honestly we kind of haven't been working on too much therapy wise b/c it didn't seem to help and i thought it would just always be that way.  but i guess it just improved on its own suddenly!  she still feels very heavy to carry but i do believe her core is improving.  but of course when shes worn out shes less likely to help.  but i have noticed recently she can lay back by putting her arms behind her, then down to her elbows, then all the way down.  yay!!!!  this is helping her to not fall back as much!  relief!!  also, her little toddler waddle has disappeared.  she walks and runs like a big girl on a mission.  its so cute to see, but shes growing into a little girl so fast!

finally, this week we decided to potty train.  she was showing a lot of readiness signs so we went with it!  she has been doing really well!  on her first day to daycare after only 3 days of training she only had 1 accident and her teachers said it was their fault b/c they were busy.  today she had more accidents at daycare but i think there were different teachers that maybe didnt know all the mommy tricks like her teacher yesterday.  we will see how the next 3 days at home goes and hopefully when she returns to daycare next week things will go even better.  i love when she goes potty she stands up and says 'yay big girl, hazie.  daddys a boy.  potty treat!'  her little voice when she says 'big girl' is pretty much the cutest thing ive ever heard.

okay so wow i thought that would be short but i guess not.  im sure there is a lot i left out but this is our almost 2 year old's update :)

my only child

since our recent miscarriage we have had many heated discussions about trying for another baby.  tyson is absolutely 100% against it.  im just heartbroken by this news b/c i feel we should try again.  let me just start with saying i TOTALLY understand where he is coming from.  he's tired of seeing his child on the u/s with a beautiful beating heart and then going back to the next u/s in high spirits and hopeful, and it turning into the darkest day ever.  he's tired of sending me off to surgery to have our dead baby removed from me and worrying that i may hemorrhage again and not make it this time.  he's tired of seeing me sad, exhausted, and heartbroken too.  i get it all.  but in a mother's heart you always want more living, beautiful babies to hold.  its not fair.  we got pregnant by surprise which is so exciting!  but since it was by surprise, i wasn't on meds to help me carry the baby.  now i feel like my final chance is ripped away from me.  if i could just have one more chance with all the right meds that helped hazel to be here today i swear i would be done after that.  of course if he agreed i would probably try a million more times to have a baby here with us but he doesn't want to.  im just asking for one.more.try.

i know people are just trying to be helpful but they say 'oh it will happen when you least expect it.'  yes i know this!  it has!  its not a good thing!  i need to have everything in order before i get pregnant to make sure baby will stick.  unfortunately i got pregnant without knowing.  i lost a baby and a best friend from the deal (which is a whole 'nother story).

id like to stay hopeful that he will change his mind in time.  but i know he feels very strongly about it.  i would rather know now anyways than being hopeful he will change his mind in a few years and be let down then.  i want to deal and move on.

i also want to say i know my sweet hazel is a blessing.  when we were having miscarriages years ago i just wished at least for one baby.  i couldn't be happier.  i know there was a high chance of us not having any children.  tyson wanted to be done right before we tried for hazel.  i think he knew i would be truly insane if i did not have a child.  all ive ever wanted is to be a great wife and mom.  and i am that.  i couldnt be more thankful for what i have. i think i just never really pictured her being an only child though.  i have to get all the what if's out of my head: what if something happened to our only child, what if something happened to both of us, what if shes upset she has no siblings, what if shes lonely.... this list goes on forever.  trust me.  i am trying to focus on all the blessings i have right now, quit comparing my family to others, and look at all the positives of having one, which surprisingly im seeing are a lot!!

i think im just thinking like majority of people do- that you just don't have ONE kid.  well we do now.  we have one fucking awesome kid.  i know im her mom, but i truly think shes a really amazing person.  sweet, caring, loving, beautiful, happy, funny, joyous, smart baby girl.

(sorry some of the post was graphic, but its how i feel and real life.  deal with it.)

pregnancy number 6

its crazy when the nurse asks me what pregnancy this is for me.  6th.  thats a lot of little babies, but only one sweet miracle to show for it.

pregnancy number 6 was a surprise.  we never wanted to prevent again since we have had trouble in the past.  we actually were trying to be careful b/c i was going to mexico.  well God had a plan for us and the pee stick had 2 lines.  shocked but excited of course!  blood levels more than doubled like they needed to.  first u/s was only at 5w5d so we expected to just see growth but no heartbeat yet.  everything measured right on schedule and actually even a few days ahead which is a bonus!  next week we went back for another u/s and baby measure a few days ahead again and a strong hb of 126 for only 6w4d.  so they asked if i wanted to come back again the next week but i said lets wait a week and half to spread things out.  so at 8w2d i was nervous like i am for every appt but there were no signs of anything bad to come.  i was feeling nauseous and tired a lot.  the dr started the scan.  im pretty much a pro u/s tech now and can tell right away whats happening.  there was no little flicker for heart and baby was very still.  i watched him take a measurement of size and it said 7w4d.  i just looked away and cried.  he doesn't have to say a word b/c i already know whats happening.  he calls in an u/s tech to get another opinion.  she turns on the colorful tool where you can see blood flow.  there was no color on baby.  i could see tyson searching the screen and looking confused.  we always know its a possibility but we were kind of surprised.  with other pregnancies we had indications that things weren't good.  not this time.  we discussed different options of what to do now.  we decided to go with the d&c.  i didn't want to labor at home on the couch and have to take care of a child while go through this painful (mentally and physically) method.  plus last time we did the induction meds it took a few weeks to complete everything with 2 rounds of meds.  i am also hoping the d&c helps my body to get my hormones back to normal.  its no fun feeling tired and sick when theres nothing to be tired and sick for.

so the bad news came tuesday, and today we had the d&c.  its odd b/c i dont feel like im giving myself time to grieve right now.  i was worried about hazel and what if something happened to me.  i also think im just numb.  i remember going through the loss of my parents there were points i just could not physically cry anymore.  my brain detaches and just feels lost.  actually at my dads burial i didnt even cry.  i just stood there in a zone.  i remember someone asking if i was okay b/c i wasnt crying.  i just got tired.  tired of feeling, crying, hurting.  so my brain just stops.  i feel like this is what im going through this week.  i do cry at times (right now while i type), but other times its like im not connecting what it happening.  TMI: it used to be every bathroom trip was emotional seeing what was going on with other losses.  im not letting myself really make that connection this time.

okay back to today... so of course they schedule a pregnant lady's, who is starving and nauseous when you dont eat, surgery for the afternoon so you cant eat from midnight on.  they gave me a nausea patch and some meds in my iv to help.  speaking of the iv... i always tell the vampires my veins are not cooperative.  they look at you like 'ive heard it all before... whatev'.  i told the lady some of my past horror stories and she says 'i wont stick you 50 times like that'.  shes eating those words.  she tried my elbow first.  first you get the numbing meds that sting like a mother.  then comes the iv... twist, turn, in, out, wait its no longer in, okay i think i got it, oh your arm is ballooning up, the vein blew and all the fluid is going under your arm.  so she takes it out then painfully is trying to push hard to get all the fluid out.  i just wanted to scream stop.  tyson was holding me and reminding me to breathe.  i thought i was but each time he said it i realized i wasn't.  so then onto the wrist.  numbing meds, burning, dang i cant get it again, in, out, okay i guess ill call someone else to try, then she finally got it.  i have needle phobia and these bitches wonder why.  [needles]s to say, my arms are swollen and bruised.  (wonder how i will explain that at work since i told everyone my husband had surgery).

so after that trauma, my dr came in.  he is new and tuesday was the first time we met.  he is the head of the ob team and i really like him.  today impressed me even more.  he walked in and recognized us right away.  he had talked to our specialist we went to with hazel and he just remembered everything they talked about and so much history about me.  i finally feel like i have a dr who remembers me and cares. all others are nice but i just dont stand out in their mind.  hes very caring, knowledgable, and thorough. i met the rest of the crew and then headed back.  it didnt take long to be off in sleepy land.  i woke up crying for hazel.  i just kept saying i missed my daughter.  they nurse started crying and saying i know.  i realized she was confused.  i explained i have a living child and i was missing her.  and glad to be alive :)  i recovered quickly this time.  the dr said i did hemorrhage again but not bad or not too long i guess.  he said im just a bleeder.  he put some cytotec up my bum again to help do the work.  but finally food and drink.  well just saltines and sprite but i downed those puppies.  i was ready to get out of there and see my girl.  her hugs and kisses made me feel great.  now im home and in bed, wondering why i cant sleep when i took a strong pain pill over an hr ago.  i felt the need for blogging.  lots of thoughts running through my mind tonight.

i know things are still fresh, but the thought of having more children is always on my mind.  im soooo not ready for awhile.  maybe 6 months to a year at least.  but my concern is tyce.  he was done after pregnancy number 3.  im glad he finally got on board with keeping trying b/c we have a little girl from the perseverance.  but he seems very adamant about no more trying now.  i just dont see haze as an only child or us having no more children.  i am extremely blessed to have her and understand im lucky to have a child.  and i absolutely dont want to go through loss again.  but i always wonder what if.  what if that next time would work.  what if it was just so easy next time.  i guess we will have time to decide.

in the meantime i need to get back to me!  ive been so tired and nauseous and lazy.  ive been feeling like a bad wife and mom.  when i had all my m/c before i got in such a depression from feeling like constant crap.  fluctuating hormones makes you tired, sick, depressed.  i feel like a crazy mess and hate it.  i just want to be that fun wife and mommy again and enjoying life.  im hoping things feel normal again soon.  hazel keeps me motivated to get in the right frame of mind to try to get there.  hopefully i can start working out and doing things to make myself feel good.

well hopefully this pill will kick in soon and i can get sleep.  peace and love.

blog slacker

sorry i haven't posted in so long.  i keep thinking of things to post about then don't.  so what's been happening in our life?  not too much really...

hazel is pretty much running.  its hard to even remember her not walking.  the past couple months she is getting allllll her teeth in.  shes only had her top 4 and bottom 2 since I think like 10 months and now canines, incisors, molars, and all are coming in at once!  fun times!  last month she started putting 2 words together and this month has put 3 words together a few times.  well intelligible words... she tells long stories often but i dont understand it all.  shes a talker.  she really likes to talk about poop.  maddie poop (the dogs-she refers to both of them as maddie), daddy poop.  i always wonder if she talks about our little family pooping when shes at daycare and what they think about it.  she names all her friends at daycare.  she just picks up on things i dont even teach her.  before i left for mexico she was singing twinkle twinkle little star.  you cant understand all the words, but its pretty adorable.  when i came back from mexico she was singing abc's... again its mostly just 'A, B, A, B...' to the tune.  its cute.  theres plenty more funny things she says but i wont bore you with my mommy proudness.  she had therapy yesterday.  her therapist feels she is doing well but she really should not have any slip through under her arms and still does quite a bit.  she said long ago that crawling would help strengthen those muscles and she crawled for a long time but apparently it didn't strengthen them enough.  so we will continue working on pulling things down with resistance or apart like we have for the past year.  she also said to continue working on core exercises b/c hazel falls back and hits her head often.  her core isn't strong enough to hold her up when she falls down.  but at least most of her delays aren't noticeable by others.

we are loving that it is warmer out and we can play outside everyday.  tyson runs while i ride my back with hazel on the back.  hazel loves playing with her car, shopping cart, chalk, bubbles, water table, slide, sandbox, and picnic table outside.  and tomorrow hazel is getting her dad a bike for fathers day so we can go bike riding together!

tyson and i still do our monthly date nights.  tonight we are headed to a nice italian restaurant on the hill that we have a gift card to.  luckily hazel goes to bed at 7 every night so we get date nights most nights tysons off.  even if its just popcorn and a movie on the couch.

hopefully i will be better about updating.  i will try to upload some pictures soon!  happy summer everyone!

April

I've been slacking on the blog front.  April flew by.  We are pretty boring lately.  Just work, daycare, and sickness for us.  We went to the zoo last week but it must have been field trip day b/c it was packed with kids and chaperones (I can't wait to do that stuff :) ).  Haze liked to people watch rather than look at the animals.  She loved riding the choo choo.  It was fun seeing her so excited about it.

Hazel:  She's walking all over.  I rarely see her crawl anymore.  She seems like such a big girl lately with walking and talking.  Her favorite new word is "no".  So fun ;)  I shouldnt, but I giggle when she says it b/c its too cute.  She love going (out)'side'.  We are ready for this week of warm weather to get back out.  She got a little set of clubs and daddy is teaching her how to golf.  We will have her 18 month appt in a few weeks and I'm excited to go to a normal appt and only hear positive things :)  Her pt appt is a few weeks after that and I think we will be discharged at that point!

Tyson:  He's back to running!  He swore he was done when he found out he more torn cartilage in the 'good' bad knee.  A few injections, and now he thinks he is superman!  Hoping he doesn't hurt his knees to the point of being able to not do much working out at all.  Other than that, work training and more work.

Dana:  I've been busy with Anna's wedding stuff.  We threw her a shower a few weekends ago and the bach party is coming up soon.  Then the first week in June to Mexico for her wedding!  I'm so excited to have a few days alone to relax and celebrate with my BFF.  But I will be sad to leave my little fam for those days.  Since that is coming up I am going to wean Haze this month.  I'm nervous for this.  I know I have done a great job making it this far, but I do feel a little guilt stopping since she doesnt drink whole milk.  Thankfully she is a pretty good eater.  Work is going well.  Flexibility, less hours, more money, and LOVING what you are doing-it doesnt get much better than that.  I am running my first 5k in years in just 3 weeks.  I haven't started training yet YIKES!  I'm sick right now so its kind of hindering it.  And well I just decided to do this a few days ago.  Hazel will pushed in her stroller by her gparents while Tyce and I run.  Let hope I finish!!  

Happy almost May, blog followers!

P.S.  My sister is having a baby girl!!  Sooo excited for them :))))

toddler

we officially OFFICIALLY have a toddler on our hands.  at 15 months haze took 3 slow and controlled steps on her own and then decided not to do that again for a few weeks.  over the next month we sat further and further apart trying to get her to go back in forth between us b/c this was the only way she would do it.  she wasnt doing it on her own.  at 16 months she would make it pretty far between us.  and just the past few weeks she has started doing it without us telling her to stand up and walk.  ill turn around and see her determined to make it from the chair to the couch all on her own.  its really cute.  most of the time she still prefers to hold on to a finger when walking.  i think b/c she can go faster (and of course helps with balance)!!  i finally feel at ease more with our decisions not to do further testing.  we know she will always have low tone and have little struggles but not that anyone will be able to notice.  im hoping that is all it is and nothing else comes to surface over the next few years.  im ready to put therapy and neurologists in the past!!  buuut shes not out of therapy just yet.  we usually go once a month but since she made great progress this last month she doesnt have to go back for 2-3 months!  in the 1st year of life they have so many physical milestones and now that she is walking (well at least 50% of the time) we are just working on strengthening.  we started therapy 1 year ago and she said we would see her until hazel walked but we didn't know she had low tone at this point.  now im not sure when therapy ends?  maybe after climbing? jumping?

and she officially starts in the toddler room at daycare this week!  im so thrilled!  it will be great for her in so many ways!  its crazy how fast time is going by with my 'baby'.  she's such a sweetheart and makes life wonderful!  happy easter!

werd

people have been asking for an update but im behind as usual :)  we met with dr ben in the midst of the blizzard thursday.  i was waiting for him to bring up the issue from reading her reports.  he wanted to know where we were at with everything and we told him we never did anything after seeing the neuro. i explained my thoughts and reasons for waiting on testing and he said he was comfortable with waiting and seeing how she progresses and we will revisit the issue every time we see him.  he also said he wouldn't have noticed the low tone if he hadn't known so that was positive for me to hear.  but he did say that MD isnt diagnosed until later and then i for some reason got really worried again and was questioning myself.  he explained things well and i held back the tears.  he thinks it wont change our treatment plan right at this moment.  and he explained hydrocephalus and how her head is measuring big but the jumps up in percentile were not huge and not a concern at all.  thats all we wanted to know people!!  why couldnt someone have explained that to us before when we were asking??  he also said he would refer us to STL if we decide to go back for testing.  so overall it was a good appt.  he asked if she could say 6 words and i said probably 20 :)  and honestly in the past few days she has just started repeating everything!!  you can tell her to say any word and she usually will say it pretty close.  aaaaaand on friday she took 3 steps 2 different times!!  she took her time and did it slowly-not like falling walking into something.  everyone says watch out!  but tyson and i both said, we know our little lady and she still probably wont do that again for a few weeks!  shes not daring.  she likes to perfect her skills before using them often.  i said she will be walking by 16 months so that gives her a month to work on it!

ive been working like crazy lately!  getting so many patients.  i actually have a lot of kids im seeing right now which is neat and a few adults.  im loving so many new challenging things to research and refresh my memory on how to do different techniques.  i am loving my job!!!  the best decision i ever made (besides marrying tyson and having a baby) is taking this job!!  life is good! :)

update

its been a rough couple weeks and ive wrote a few blogs then deleted them before i could hit 'publish'.  we feel like hazel is doing really well-shes balancing so well and will even walk if you are just holding onto one of her hands.  and she has stood up in the middle of a room without holding onto anything a few times :)  but when we went to the dr for an ear check up she was really pushy about going through with the neurologist's testing recommendations.  so then i start questioning myself and reading a lot of muscular dystrophy and how most kids arent diagnosed until age 4 b/c they are so mild and then i worry myself that my little baby has a degenerative disease that i am too scared get a for sure diagnosis.  ei came and kind of left it up to us if we wanted her to have services b/c she was borderline for gross motor skills (she was above expectations on everything else :) ).  we decided against it b/c with our income we have to pay a pretty good amount for their services and talked like they might just check in once a month.  also, all 3 professionals were AT LEAST a 1/2 hr late and im just not cool with all their last minute cancelling/rescheduling/excuses.  i love our pt in springfield and its worth the drive to me to get quality care.

back to the testing.  ive tried to not talk to tyson too much about my indecisions.  hes getting frustrated with it all b/c he knows nothing is wrong with our little perfect baby!  i feel like that too but i just dont want to be wrong and regret putting off the testing.  so we switched drs to our favorite dr ben!  im excited to meet with him next week to get his opinion.  tyson said if he suggests we go forward he is willing to start with at least the blood and urine tests.  im thinking either way he will put our mind at ease b/c he is good about explaining things which we feel like hasnt happened thus far.

so today i feel good about her progress.  next week i may be confused again.  all i know is that my little lady is progressing so nicely and im sure she will be walking before the 18 month mark (i think it will be 16 months).  oh and her pt thinks she might not have to have shoe inserts!!  we have been doing toe stretches b/c shes curls her toes under so much due to poor balance and trying to grip the floor that they can become tight and permanently curled.  we are still working on core weak muscles too but we feel like shes doing amazing.

i hope everyone had a wonderful valentine's day!  we sure did :)  xoxo

hypotonic babe

ive been reading more and more about hypotonia.  wikipedia says even in the first paragraph that diagnosing the cause of hypotonia is often unsuccessful.  it goes on to say that it can be helped with early intervention.  we have the ei coordinator coming by today to fill out paper work for hazel to be evaluated but she made sure to tell me on the phone that it has to be effecting education and at least a 30% delay to qualify.  this information i already know and all my spec ed background will help me make a case that it is linked to education in so many ways.  im so glad i dont have a job like this lady's anymore.  its not her fault, but spec ed has changed so much and its so hard to get your kids help.  with a diagnosis she acted like we may be able to get the services.  but in a previous post you read that we wont be doing that anytime soon.  silly you have to have a label and wait until there is a huge gap of delays to receive treatment.

sorry im getting side tracked.... back to info about hypotonia.  down the road we may see difficulties with gross motor things like riding a bike, climbing, falling down stairs easily, running, etc.  possibly difficulties with potty training, standing for long periods, sitting in a chair for long periods like for school and such, and handwriting is difficult for hypotonic kids because it take a lot of trunk support.  who would have known.  i already notice hazel leaning forward onto her hands a lot if shes been sitting and playing awhile.  it gives her little body a rest.  but hypotonic kids can have really bad posture b/c of this too.

also, when we were at the neuro appt the dr turned to the student who was in the room and explained to her that babies with low tone have big bellies like hazel does.  didnt know this either.  i have read a lot about their doughy skin and hazel has this.  but i guess i didnt realize all her rolls and baby fat that is still there is due to this too.  i guess it makes sense.  we all talk about 'toning up'.  well hazel's tone will always be low so although she can increase muscle strength, she may be a little soft :)  if any of you have seen teen mom there is that little twin girl on there with low tone and she has the rolls like my haze.

most research says that hypotonia can be considered a type of muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy.  a lot of the tests they were going to do on hazel could have told us this, but if they came back negative i think you can still classify it into either of these categories based on symptoms.  they dont think the problem is in hazels brain, but in her muscles.  to us it doesnt really matter.  some people have such mild forms of things such as cp and never would know it.  it will still be the same treatment.  if things are hard for her in school and we feel like we need some sort of diagnosis for accommodations to be made we may do it at that time.

so theres a little more info on hypotonia for any of you curious readers!  wish me luck today!  maybe ill show her that wikipedia says we need ei :)

new year goals

i have a few goals for this new year.  even though in a month or so they will probably start fading away in my mind.

1) ORGANIZE YOUR LIFE, DANA!!!!!  I royally suck at this.  so my goals are to write monthly to do lists and weekly to do lists b/c crossing things off a list always feels so great!  Buuuut I haven't started this goal yet.  With Stamp Out Cancer, I am using all my free time running around collecting silent auction items.  I don't have time to do anything extra out of my regular cleaning duties.  But as soon as thats over, I will buy storage tubs and attack the spare (junk) room.  Hazels clothes have taken over the room and they need to be organized my size and stored away.  And all the baby stuff-swing, tub, carseat, etc.  I am hoping my brother will help me build storage above our garage door and along the walls.  Having a small house + a child = MESS!  Children come with A LOT of accessories.  I just need better organization skills.  And it feels great being organized.  I just have to get there.  I also plan to get rid of more of Tyson and I's clothes (even though I just did) and sell to Plato's closet.  We are tight on cash since I'm barely working so I could use the extra money.  I need to get creative buying shelving from yardsales and repainting it for storage of toys in our living spaces.

2) Reconnect with hubby.  Tyson and I are very much in love, but Hazel takes up a lot of our (my) brain space that we forget about each other at times.  So I made little love cards for Tyce.  12 to be exact.  1 for each month.  It has money or a gift card and a note to where we are going or what we are doing for the night.  I used Christmas money and gift cards we had so I didn't have to spend any extra money we should really be saving.  Some months might only have $1 for a redbox movie and some have $50 to a fancy restaurant out of town.  This is a way we have a commitment for time for each other at least once a month, no if, ands, or buts about it.  Its a good way for me to have time away from Hazel too since I would prefer to be with her every second of every day :)

3) Shit I forgot my 3rd goal!!  Obviously it wasn't super important then.  It could have been along the lines of no judgement of other people, working out, or saving money.  I will try to do all those things too.

neuro appt

hazel had her neurologist appt today.  it was confusing.  we thought the main reason we went there was b/c of the head growth but this dr seemed confused.  she said her head was in the 53% and when we questioned her she went and asked the nurse and came back and said 87%.  still different than the 95% the dr said.  but the dr seemed mostly concerned about her 'obvious low tone' and how she is 'very behind in her milestones'.  maybe this chick doesnt know that its developmentally normal to not walk until 18 months.  i know hazel was slightly behind in other milestones but not extremely behind.  hazel had good strength to pull an object, grasp small objects, and no feeding issues, but her feet bend back to her shins and she has slip through when you pick her up.  so what.  (you can tell my tone about the situation has changed).  she said the low tone could be from a problem in the brain, muscles, or spine and she thinks hazels is a muscle problem.  so she wanted to start with 11 different lab tests-blood and urine.  she said then send us to childrens in st louis for a muscle biopsy.  and then do an mri where they need to sedate her.  i think she said a few other tests but i kinda got lost in all the info and visualizing in my head the trauma my child would be enduring through all this.  she also said she needs 'the therapies' 2x a week.  so get ei here stat!  so we sat around and waited for these 12 scripts (labs plus therapy, which she forgot to give) and tyce was not liking everything that just went down in our first appt and i thought i was going to puke.  we finally left and were supposed to drive over to the lab but just skipped town and headed home when i found out how they would have to collect her urine.  she was done for the day and so were we.

i know i thought i wanted an answer to why she has low tone, but now i think i dont.  yes probably some of the reason is b/c it involves putting hazel through pain when we dont even know if any of this stuff will give us an answer.  but mainly ive realized today-why do i need an answer?  what does it matter if they tell me hazels 19th chromosome is twisted or she has rhinoceroscephalatitis?  i have a label.  it doesnt change our plan for her (at least i dont think it does if it is a static condition).  we will still continue therapy and my daughter will someday still walk, run, and play even if she is a little clumsier than most.  we have decided that right now since the concern isnt with her head any longer, we will hold off on testing and try to increase therapy to see if her tone improves.  i truly do not believe we will get an answer from the testing just from past experiences with students i have had that have similar situations.  i dont want put hazel through all this crap (and $) to find out they dont know why she has MILD low tone.  i know i sound crazy from going from one extreme of wanting answers to now having the opportunity to get the answers and not taking it.  but we do feel its the right choice, even if hazels dr thinks we are crazy too :)

my brother rocks

my brother recently created a rather touching blog entry that i wanted to share.  please support stamp out cancer in anyway!

big head baby

so i cant remember what i updated on in my last blog (and apparently im too lazy to look), so ill just give you info on the last month.  hazel started pulling up around her birthday and really loves to be standing a lot of the time now.  this week she has started moving her feet while standing-so a few steps here and there while holding on to things, but not sure if its considered 'cruising' since she really doesnt cruise too far.  last friday we had a booster flu shot and pt appt.  i asked them to recheck her head measurement and it went up again 2% in a month.  not a lot, but still shouldnt be going up that much in a month i guess.  so her head is now in the 95% which i guess is considered macrocephaly.  the dr was going to her sons christmas concert so we didnt get to talk to her.  so we went on to pt and i thought she had improved so much in a month and to me doesnt seem as 'floppy'.  maybe i read the pt wrong, but she didnt seem as impressed with hazel this month as i was.  and she mentioned some inserts for hazels shoes once she starts walking or something...  i sometimes feel like she is worried more than she says and makes little comments but doesnt discuss further.  so on christmas eve hazels dr called me from her home and discussed the head growth and she doesnt seem super concerned but is referring us to a neurologist.  im nervous but also glad to stop the 'wait and see' approach and just have a specialist look at her and tell me there is nothing wrong.  but she did say if they do an mri hazel will have to be sedated.  i do not like the thought of that one bit.  but maybe the neurologist will say there is no need.  who knows.  she is going to try to get us in as soon as possible so hopepfully i will hear next week when her appt is.  so i feel hazel is doing better physically, but i think the main concern is the jump in head growth.  in my opinion my baby isnt one of those 'oh my gosh look how huge that baby's head is' babies.  so its odd that its measuring so big.  i think it just means shes got a big smart brain like her parents :)

hazel got soooooo much stuff for christmas we are figuring out how to build more storage in the garage to keep everything in this small house.  and we still have 1 more christmas to go to on nye.  it was so fun watching her this year at christmas.  although the bags and paper really were her favorite things.  hope you all had a merry christmas and have a safe, fun nye!

I can't believe my baby is 1!