percocet is my friend

so yesterday was the big day. we arrived at barnes-jewish hospital early in the morning to sit in a crowded room with everyone else waiting for their turn at surgery. i had to get some blood work 1st. a type and screen (which i have had this blood test done 1 million times and i dont understand b/c i dont think my blood type is gonna change anytime soon). and they also checked my hcg level which i dont know what it matters. then we were taken to my room to change into the awesomely huge pants and gown made for an extra extra extra large man. we met the nurse, the nurse for surgery, the anesthesiologist, the anesthesiologist nurse, the resident for my dr, the fellow for my dr, then finally my dr (who was a 1/2 hr past surgery time). tyson thought we might get to meet the custodian for our room as well but we werent that lucky. everyone kinda told you the same thing with varying information. risks are death, death, or death. or if we puncture your bowel or bladder then death. from anesthesia you might die. then 1 person says it only takes 20 minutes, another says 30, and another an hour. i didn't wake up til 3 hours later and so confused why. finally got moved to the second recovery and waited patiently for tj and mom while i ate graham crackers and drank sprite. it was now 215 and i thought we would be HOME by 130. ha. so finally my mom and tyce come see me and tell me how my procedure went b/c i never saw any of the drs after i went into my deep sleep. they told me everything went okay but i bled more than usual so they gave me a few shots in the thigh (no wonder my leg muscle was killing me) and 3 pills up the bumhole. i guess these medicines make your uterus contract so it will stop bleeding. so i bled quit a bit yesterday but it has slowed down a lot today and my pain is a lot better. this morning my throat was kinda scratchy from the tube and just sleepy from my meds. hoping these hormones don't hit me like a train. school starts next week and i wanna be a normal human being by then. have a good weekend everyone.

today sucks

i am so bored today. i need to be cleaning myself but instead ive been staring at this computer for the past 2 hours. i think im just nervous for tomorrow. i know there will be no sleeping for this girl tonight. right now tysons sleeping and everyone else is working. but i dont feel like being around many people anyways besides hub and mom. just wish i could get myself motivated to stay busy today. im doing the opposite. looking stuff up online and going in circles is such a smart idea. yes i am sad thinking about what is actually happening tomorrow (bye bye baby) but i think im getting nervous about all the stuff before. just being in a hospital gown in a cold hospital room. needles-fucking hate needles. ill be crying more about that than anything else. ive had more needle sticks in the past few months than i ever had in my life combined but after the fainting incident, im a major phobic. the whole atmosphere makes me want to cry. tube down my throat-ouch. you feel like your going to a dark place you might not come back from. i just hope they see im a freak, numb my arm (nice people do that for me), get the iv in, and give me that good stuff where i feel higher than a kite til they actually put me under. that stuff is the only good part of surgery. okay im giving myself a tummy ache. wish me luck.

8 weeks and 1 day

so here is my recent history for those of you who don't know:

july 8-positive pregnancy test

july 9-hcg of 35

july 12- hcg of 187 (only has to double from the first number and went up x6!!)

july 16- hcg of 870 ish (dont remember exact number but still looking great)

gone on vaca next week so couldnt do my 5 week u/s

july 26- 6w0d u/s measuring 5w0d. we were concerned b/c we know exactly when i ovulate so dates shouldnt be off but everyone seemed like it was normal to be off

aug 2- 7w0d u/s #2 measured 6w0d. heartbeat 89. good that the baby grew exactly a week in a week but nervous about low hb. but hb starts around 80 so again everyone says it could have just started.

aug 10- 8w1d u/s #3 measured smaller than last week and no hb. when i asked why it would be smaller rather than just stop growing and she said it starts "disintegrating". that term made us about puke.

are hearts are broken for the 4th time. we have lost a lot of hope b/c they said chances after 4 losses aren't good. we talked about possible causes of why and she mentioned possibly "bad eggs" is the most common when no other tests show up. we've been giggling b/c tyson thought she would say something in me isn't fully developed b/c im so small, but instead i might have eggs of a 50 year old. funny how i hit puberty at like 18 and all the good eggs are gone already. guess i shoulda got knocked up in high school if i wanted kids. sperm and egg donors were brought up and just a lot of overwhelming decisions. ill have a d&c friday and they will test the fetus. pray that i do not m/c naturally before then (funny how i asked for the exact opposite last time). im pretty nervous to go under friday, but ready for some answers hopefully. time for a nap now b/c my brain is killing me! happy day people.

dont wanna go back

why cant i finish all the touch-ups from my house project? i havent organized my closets or done all those things on my summer to do list. i didnt even read a book!!! man i suck at life. i guess ill just continue to lay on the couch and watch e! until school starts.

due date number 1

Crazy to think that today is my 1st due date. Crazy to think that we could have a little infant in our house right now completely changing our lives. We would have a nursery, swings, carseats, no sleep :), etc. Me and my friend Jayme could be celebrating our little infants together! (and hopefully tyka soon too) I have too many due dates now to even keep track of. But I especially remember this first one. Today is my great gma kallal's bday, my cousin nathan's bday, and schylar's bday. A great day to celebrate life! I am trying my best to not constantly wonder what God's plan for me is... why? when? what do we do next? thinking about stopping for awhile sounded like the best plan, but then I think how we are so ready for this baby!! and so we stop trying for a few years then when we start again its back to drs and back on medicine and still possibly go through all this again!! I am having a hard time with that decision right now but I guess we will talk to our dr and make the best decision.

I have a big day ahead of me-Kim and I are making BLT dip and a peach pie, possibly getting pedicures, and laying by the pool. Then going to meet baby mason and celebrating mark's retirement before heading to my brother's big bday bash! Then the rest of the weekend is family time!! Love to all!

TN

We had a wonderful time on our trip! We kept busy, but relaxed a lot too! Here are some of the things we did: ate A LOT, went to dixie stampede, walked around to lots of different shops, got an old time photo, took a sky lift thing above the city, golfed, ate A LOT more, shopped, drove through the mountains and took a walk up to a waterfall, saw bears and other wildlife, napped, played putt putt, and took a helicopter ride over the smokies. It actually only rained at night and in the early morning a few days, so we were lucky to have great weather the whole week. I'll try to post some pics soon.

I loved yesterdays sermon at church. It was about God answering prayers... you just have to ask. I'm praying!!!

Have a great day all! xo

wanna see the weather for our vaca??!

http://www.weather.com/weather/tenday/USTN0196

haha yep rain EVERYday! oh well it could change! and i wont mind sitting on the porch reading a book watching the rain in the smokies :) RELAXATION!! have a great week all!! xo