bein sick sucks

here come the aches, the pains, the sore throat, the sniffles... booooo. hopefully it goes away soon. emotionally i have been doing really well lately. trying to stay positive, or maybe its just me kind of shutting off stuff for awhile. physically im feeling good. i think we may have to do bloodwork to see if my hcg is back to 0 before any other tests are done. we have our post op appt this friday so hopefully we will find out some stuff then. although im not ready to find out the sex just yet. i dont want it to ruin our weekend. its tj's bday weekend. im sure he is ready for the dr to give us the okay to have an extra good bday weekend. ha! im taking him on a surprise get away friday night, saturday and sunday (his bday) he works, then monday im hoping just to grill out at home and play some washers or something. buuuuut if im sick all weekend, then my plans might just not work. well i better rest up on the couch so i can get to feeling better. have a wonderful week all! xo

lots of thoughts going through my mind today

and hopefully this is my final post of the day. i just discovered that on our chromosome report, it will tell us the sex of our baby :( i mean i guess i should have known that, but i was thinking more about the cause of our baby not making it. why does this make everything seem more sad? its like it just makes it that much more real that we lost a baby. do we not use the boy or girl name we liked in the future b/c it was meant for this one? do we call this baby by that name? it never got that far into pregnancy that i had thought about all these things. it makes me sad, but i am still curious and feel like i have to find out now. my day has truly been a roller coaster... up... down.... up.... down.

no offfense

but i truly have the best husband in the world!! he lets me go through every emotion and feeling with more understanding than anyone ever could! he understands everything about me and loves me even though im crazy. so that makes me the luckiest girl alive. just thought i would rub it in :)

today is an emotional day

tears have been forming very easily today. i got a call from my specialist and i was tearing up before i even answered. still no news on the chromosome testing of little baby. my friend brought her little newborn into work today so i got to snuggle with him a bit and soon im heading to go see my new little cousin who is 1 day old. so i think that may also contribute to my emotional roller coaster today.

some thoughts going through my head: all of these thoughts about us stopping permanently is weighing heavy on me. i want the drs to tell me something is so wrong that we have to stop for good and i can have an excuse to give up. then the next second i think, but what if next time would have been IT! then the next second i think, but what if next time we think everything is fine and we make it to 20+ weeks and lose baby then. we already have sad memories of all of our losses (my ultrasound pics when we saw and heard baby's heart beating on my night stand). we dont want memories of a baby that we saw or held that we weren't going home with. hub is just so over this baby business and ready to move on with our childless lives. one second im there with him, but the mother in me has some hope that maybe it could happen some day. and now not only do i have horrible fears of having a stillborn, but im petrified that if our child lived they would have so many other disabilities. is all of this worth it? lots of thoughts going through our brains and not happy ones. just sucks that this whole pregnancy experience has hurt us so much and been so much negativity in our lives. 2 years of our lives have been consumed into baby making, pregnancy, and loss (okay the 3rd part was only the bad part). for now we are just excited to get back to our lives for awhile and focus on ourselves. although, i wish i knew if it was for good or only temporary. hopefully our visit next friday will give us some idea of that.

all the pregnant ladies

this is how i was gonna announce my pregnancy to my blogspot buddies. i figured i would still share the funny video :) enjoy!!

I like this....

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

today is a great day!!

the postpartum hormone changes are really kicking in! last night i was a complete freaking mess for the 1st time since we found out our bad news and today im the happiest person you have ever met! :) i had a huge pity party last night, but woke up this morning and decided to put on an outfit rather than the same pair of pjs ive been wearing all week! oh and i showered! yes i feel a little more normal today! and i got an exciting call this morning from one of my best friends and was asked to be the Godmother of her son! i am soooo extremely ecstatic! so that may be part of the reasoning behind my wonderful mood.

so i got myself up and moving and made a trip to the patch (aka Litchfield). i did a little bogo shopping at payless, school shopping at dollar tree, and food shopping at aldi. i also met my momma for lunch at pizza hut which was $5 all you can eat today! let me tell you this day has just been full of all kinds of goodies :)

now it is probably time for a nap. i havent done that much in quite awhile. plus school starts tomorrow so i gotta take advantage of my last couch day!! i hope everyone has a good week! i know i will with old sweatlers food here and getting back into a schedule with work! love to all!