courage

tysons dad wrote us the sweetest letter and had a little part in there for me telling me how strong i am going through so much this year and his hopeful thoughts for us. i was so happy he wrote that. so many people ignore everything that has happened to us when we still deal with it every day. i know how it goes though. after the loss of my parents and gparents, everyone goes on living their lives and you just feel alone. so as ive said before, i want to talk about things. dont be scared to bring it up b/c it reallly helps me and it makes me feel loved when people show their concern.

here is a post from a girl on one of my m/c groups:

So many times you hear people talk about courage. We all figure that we know what that word means but I am not sure we truly do until we see it first hand. For me, I know that our brave soldiers have courage for doing what they are doing, and I know that the firefighters, police, and many others who do great things for our lives have courage... I know that it takes courage to try new things (like starting college after being out of school for years or starting a new business) but I had never thought of myself as courageous before. I had never seen what courage really was. I hadn't been able to put a picture to the word and I think that now I have more than one picture... I have millions...

Courage is the woman who has seen such great loss but keeps moving on with life and all the things that need done on a day to day basis. Courage is the person that has held a baby in her arms that is not breathing and cried tears of loss for that child and then brought herself back up to try again to bring that precious life into this world. It is courage that is seen when you see a woman who is TTC for months and months (and years and years) on end that arrives at the baby shower for the friend who is about to have her 2nd/3rd/4th/etc child and smiles. Courage is the woman who finds red again on a trip to the bathroom and knows that this month didn't work for her but doesn't just give up but finds a way to start planning for next month. Courage is the woman who has tried so long her heart is only a shattered remnant of what it was and decides that she WILL give a child a home and love even if she cannot do it through her own womb. It is courage that brings all the wonderful women to this site and this board and it is courage that keeps us going on each day. It is courage that allows a woman who has seen such loss to be scared and excited in the same exact moment when that second line finally appears on the stick. Courage is what allows us to survive and I think that we are courage... not only for ourselves but for others...

So if you want a picture of courage... I have a simple way for you to find it. Go to your bathroom and stand in front of the mirror... take a good hard look and keep that picture with you when times are hard... because that is the picture of courage! Want more pictures of courage? Log into BBC and look through your friend's list... look through the board comments... look really hard... because those are the pictures of courage that you can call on when you can't seem to find that first picture of courage ... those other pictures of courage will lend you some of theirs...

We have more than just plain courage... we have group courage because together we are even stronger and together we can help to remind each other that our rainbow babies are out there and we are courageous!

finally a day to catch up

my life has been crazy busy lately! on top of all my meetings and work stuff, we left right after school last thursday to head up to chicago. it took us 2 extra hours b/c the roads were horrible! we had a really nice weekend. my fav parts were sushi, massages, shopping, and visiting with his cousins Dustin and baby Wil. sunday was fun. we got all geared up to go to the freezing bears game. we found a little bar that was packed with people and started the party. after walking to soldier field i was actually warm and had a few drinks in me so i thought id be able to last the whole game. man was i wrong. i left before the 1st quarter. i felt bad but i was in tears i was so unbearably freezing cold! so i got a cab back to the hotel and got some cocoa and warmed up. the guys stayed at the game to watch the bears lose :( it took us 2 extra hours on the way home as well due to ice. i was happy for a snow day monday to catch up on sleep. but tyce threw his back out monday so we spent the day going to the dr, getting him drugged up, making him chili, and playing nurse. then came tuesday-i had to head to springfield to get my barstools (that have taken 2 1/2 months to come in and weren't delivered like they were supposed to be) and my new living room furniture. but it all didnt fit in my mom car :( and then when we get back to raymond, we discover my tire is completely flat. so wednesday was just like tuesday-go to springfield to get the rest of the furniture and pick up my car with the fixed tire. then fly home to get to another meeting. then hurry home from there b/c my mom and her bf were at the my house unloading my furniture since tysons laid up. so let me tell you, i am very happy to have another day off of school today. my house is a disaster since i pretty much have not been home enough to clean since last week.

tomorrow is my girls christmas party woot woot! then saturday is christmas at my mommys :) im so ready for the weekend!! now i just have to get my house ready! have a great ice day everyone! xo

sundee fun dee

so my day started out waking up at 4 am so tj could go do some secret agent work stuff. i was able to fall back asleep for a few hours and when i woke up i found out he is doing more work stuff out of town and who knows when he will be back. it really stinks being alone so much. on his days off he is always getting calls to do something else for work. so i was sad for a second and now im turning that frown upside down! after i get myself outta this bed and halfway presentable to the world im gonna go pick up our deer meat. today on the menu: italian venison sandwiches-thanks mandy and schy for the recipe. while that is slow cooking im gonna clean up this house and shine my sink! :) thank you to my sister for giving me the info for flylady.net. i am going to try to start today. but i know myself and i have a feeling this program isnt gonna last long for me. but hey ill give it a shot! ill be listening to she and him courtesy of raymee jo while trying to become a fly lady. after that hopefully tj will be home and we can go to church together before our (hopefully) yummy meal. have a happy sunday all y'all!

refreshed

i feel so refreshed after my counseling appt today. no new developments, i just feel accomplished. it was kind of reassuring myself that i am making progress and i like this happy place ive been in. the past hour ive been enjoying my new fav wine (blackberry from litchfield winery) and making us a homemade pizza. its so fun to knead dough. hub has a few more minutes of sleep before i go jump on him and wake him up! i love thursday nights. they feel like a special holiday. its like a celebration that tomorrow is the last day of work. it always involves wine and lots of good tv shows. happy thursday blog people. xo

still busy with work

i have been so busy with work all month. i guess its just that time of the year for me-annual reviews, evals, paperwork, meetings, meetings, meetings. (sigh) i wish i saw in there the words "planning time" and "therapy with the kids". it seems like there is less of that and it gets pushed to the bottom of the list when it should be at the top. hopefully someday we will have more funding for education and i will get an assistant like i need. ha! a girl can dream though. going in early and staying late almost every night is not fun. ive said this before, but i would love a job where i floated around the office all day filing things, making people coffee, and doing things that didnt require my brain to bring home everything i need to be doing for the next day. but i do have to say i really do like what i do for a living and im just thankful to have a job and an income.

tyson is taking me to chicago in a few weeks as my christmas present. im super excited. it will be super relaxing. the main events for the weekend are shopping, massages, sushi, steakhouse, and bears game! im sure we will find lots of other fun activities throughout the weekend.

i had a nice thanksgiving break. visited with friends and had some laughs. family time and ate lots. loved all my adorable niece for an entire day (probably my favorite part). shopped with crazy people on black friday. had a little luncheon for my gfs. put up the christmas tree. wrapped presents. more shopping. finished wrapping presents. now im all ready for christmas and its a whole month away. im enjoying this beautiful tree and all the lovely gifts under it.

well i guess thats pretty much my life lately. i hope all you bloggers had a great turkey day and are getting excited for the joyful christmas season. love love.

1 whole year

sunday was kinda a sad day for me. it didnt help when we were at my gmas and our cousin announced they are prego with their 3rd. i felt like someone punched my in the face. or maybe i was hoping someone would. so of course the was the conversation for the rest of the night. tyson just gave me the look and i knew he felt just like i did. oh and they also said they will keep trying til they get a girl. its always so hard for me to hear that b/c i would kill for 1 healthy baby regardless of gender. tysons quote from a past pregnancy when i asked him what he thought we were having: "i dont care if its a goat as long as its healthy." one goat coming right up! okay so back to why i was sad. 1 year ago sunday we were celebrating thanksgiving at my moms. i was a few days late for my period. im NEVER late for my period, but as i know now when you are pregnant you can get cramps and gassy and feel just like you do when you are having your period so i just thought maybe stress or something was keeping it away. my cousin who was trying to get pregnant at the same time was like TAKE A TEST! so i was like whatevs ill get one. i came home peed on the thing and was COMPLETELY shocked. i dropped whatever i was holding at the time and starting crying with joy!! tyson was at the bar watching football with his fam and i had to threaten his life to get him to come home. i surprised him in a fun way and it was our anniversary of our first date and our engagement. i will always remember how joyful that experience was. i have been happy with our other pregnancies, but never that excited. i miscarried early thanksgiving morning. worst feeling in the world.

since then we have had the excitement and let down repeated 3 more times. too many u/s to count. lots of needles. cytotec. labor at home with my mom by my side. specialists. d&c. therapists. many other things i never thought i would have to experience. its crazy that we have been through all that in just a years time. no wonder im so insane :) currently im trying to shut off that part of my mind as much as i can, stay calm, and go through everyday as normal as i can. this thanksgiving im so thankful for my husband. no matter what happens in our lives i know that i am truly blessed that he is a part of my life forever. im thankful he understands me and is so loving no matter how crazy i get. he is my best buddy ever.

my current fav