but time gets away from me. hazel has been sick constantly and ive been napping when she does due to bad nights of sleep.
so lets talk about progress with my new years goals:
-no credit card.... uhhhh i still havent done it. i initially kept it to buy hazels bed. then i spun out of control AGAIN! ive been having quite the battle with this one. one day i am SO ready to cancel it, then the next i wanna SHOP and dont care. YOLO raymee says :) so true... but i might living once maybe shouldnt consist of so many material items. i am on the kick to cancel it again. i will as soon as i make all my returns. i want those hundreds of dollars back from target. not in gift cards that will just make me want more clothes!
-make a budget.... im not sure if its exactly a budget, but im writing down everything i spend and how much i make. i think just tracking it helps me to see how much im spending. i did it for tyson too but he never moved past january.
-pay off car by end of year.... until i complete that first goal, this wont happen. but its definitely still doable. hopefully work will stay steady and i can make this happen.
-no drinking... this was my big goal. ive done it! and loving it!!
ive also been working out hardcore at least 4x at the gym and now that its warmer we are bike riding, walking, and outside more. we are in the lenten season and i gave up instagram which i usually check a zillion times a day. its actually not hard at all. id really like to give my smart phone up all together. personally i feel like many people (including myself) post pics, statuses, etc as a way of bragging or showing off. sometimes it is okay to share your accomplishments but i think we do it too much and look for that satisfaction of LIKES or comments. too much pinteresting and wanting things (clothes for me). TOO MUCH MEDIA and too easy to access. its exhausting. that is totally just my opinion. its not a problem for most people. but i feel like if i didnt have it i would make much better use of my time. i obviously have no self control to just limit myself, so like drinking, i need to completely cut it out (and like my credit card too) :)
okay, done rambling with my opinions. enjoy this sunshiny day!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
2014
Some people aren't into New Year resolutions or a fresh new start... well I am. I am very excited for 2014. I feel like its a start to a great future! I get to start living and stop worrying (hopefully). This year I have some goals:
1. No credit cards! This will be hard but I just need to do it. I want to simplify my life but just haven't really committed as much as I'd like. I just need to do it.
2. Create a budget. We've never had a budget so I'm lost here. But I really wanna be better with money and possibly save!
3. Pay off my car this year! Yeah I know these goals are boring and all about finances.
4. No more drinking. This will be hard. Its something I've always wanted to do though. I'm excited!!
then you know there is more stuff like go to church every week, workout more, stay off my phone and read more... but those are typical things and I feel like fade for me every year.
But I am really motivated to make those top 4 goals a priority. I hope I can make it happen!
what does the new year mean for you?
1. No credit cards! This will be hard but I just need to do it. I want to simplify my life but just haven't really committed as much as I'd like. I just need to do it.
2. Create a budget. We've never had a budget so I'm lost here. But I really wanna be better with money and possibly save!
3. Pay off my car this year! Yeah I know these goals are boring and all about finances.
4. No more drinking. This will be hard. Its something I've always wanted to do though. I'm excited!!
then you know there is more stuff like go to church every week, workout more, stay off my phone and read more... but those are typical things and I feel like fade for me every year.
But I am really motivated to make those top 4 goals a priority. I hope I can make it happen!
what does the new year mean for you?
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
slacker
ive been thinking of blogging a lot lately and just dont find the time to do it. b/c im so busy minimalizing my life :) i love my new made up word-minimalizing.
so i started minimalist journey it looks like mid-late september when i posted last. i have purged SOOO MUCH. baby stuff, clothes, decor, usual junk! but we did eliminate so many clothes that we were able to sell hazels dresser set and tyson and i share a dresser and hazel has the other one from our set. we all still each have a closet so that is in no way minimalism. this is something i really wanna work on further, but i was just initially doing my first big purge. i threw away most of my college books and bookcase. ive minimized our filing cabinet down to what could fit into a binder. ive thrown away extras of most everything. kitchen utensils, paper clips, pens, binders, etc. so many things i havent used in years, but you hate to throw away push pins when you might need them someday... well guess what, get them out of the junk drawer and buy another box a dollar general when you need them again in 4 years. all these concepts make a lot of sense to me, but its hard to let go sometimes.
now that i got a big portion of the junk out of the way, i feel like i can focus on each area. i did each area but now i can go back and pare down more. for example, i got rid of half of my tshirts, but i really need to go down to like 3. one of my biggest hurdles is still my shopping habits. i have been better about not going out and shopping, but zulily is still sucking me in. i need to delete it, but i cant pass up the unique toys and clothes... even if its something hazel cant use for 3 years (whats wrong with me... hoarding is the opposite of minimalism). i want to get to a point where i dont want want want. i should only buy things b/c i need it, but like most people i get that high when i buy something new and i go back for more. ADDICTION!!
so since we got rid of so much junk, our spare bedroom is now an organized playroom. it used to be exploding with crap piled up. you could not walk in there... seriously. i organized the closet with hazels toys into different sections for music, dress up, cars, art, books organized by holiday and season, and future toys organized by age. i still need to minimize junk in our only storage closet so i have room for hazels bigger toys for rotation times. (side note, i think you can minimize toys, but i think its okay to have enough to rotate that your child will use. if its something you use, you keep it!) im anxious to get it all done now, but i have to remember its a process. im not getting much else done lately b/c im so busy running to salvation army with loads of junk. im going to try to start following these minimalists challenges to slow myself down but still be active in the process.
goals for the future:
some people think im crazy. but i honestly think a lot of people want to live like this. enjoy life with less possessions, not consumed by electronics, and more active. if i want it, i should make it happen, right? well im trying to, but i think it will be a long, hard process. we will see if i can get to my goals stated above in a few years.
on to a whole new topic.... MY BABY!!
hazel will be 2 on monday!!! whaaaat! shes definitely becoming a terrible two-er, but such a fun age as well. she loves her new playroom and so many new things to explore. we put an old cd player in there so she can dance and listen to her music. music has always been a big hit with her (along with books). shes been dancing since she could sit up and singing early on. she sings all kinds of songs-ALL of the ABC's plus the ending (now i know my... ), baa baa black sheep, twinkle twinkle, itsy bitsy spider, row row row your boat, seriously every kid song. also some katy perry and what does the fox say. we can blame nana for that ;) oh, she also knows all her colors! including brown, black, and white. shes my little smarty!
she is so much stronger!! we did a mommy and me tumbling class that ended tonight. i was so happy to see her do wheelbarrows and feel her little body so tight and working hard! i think this strength gives her confidence. she has been exploring more, climbing, testing limits! i love it! even though i should be telling her to get down, i just giggle and say be careful. its so neat to see her so bright eyed in excitement of something new!
speaking of our little sweetie... as of friday, she will officially be our only child!! well let's hope now that all the baby stuff is gone! i just have to convince hub to go back 2 times to check and make sure that it really worked. stubborn hubby. but i am so excited to be a small little family and move on with life.
life is good right now. i feel so wonderful. motivated, mostly stress free, and excited about life. couldn't ask for much more right now :)
so i started minimalist journey it looks like mid-late september when i posted last. i have purged SOOO MUCH. baby stuff, clothes, decor, usual junk! but we did eliminate so many clothes that we were able to sell hazels dresser set and tyson and i share a dresser and hazel has the other one from our set. we all still each have a closet so that is in no way minimalism. this is something i really wanna work on further, but i was just initially doing my first big purge. i threw away most of my college books and bookcase. ive minimized our filing cabinet down to what could fit into a binder. ive thrown away extras of most everything. kitchen utensils, paper clips, pens, binders, etc. so many things i havent used in years, but you hate to throw away push pins when you might need them someday... well guess what, get them out of the junk drawer and buy another box a dollar general when you need them again in 4 years. all these concepts make a lot of sense to me, but its hard to let go sometimes.
now that i got a big portion of the junk out of the way, i feel like i can focus on each area. i did each area but now i can go back and pare down more. for example, i got rid of half of my tshirts, but i really need to go down to like 3. one of my biggest hurdles is still my shopping habits. i have been better about not going out and shopping, but zulily is still sucking me in. i need to delete it, but i cant pass up the unique toys and clothes... even if its something hazel cant use for 3 years (whats wrong with me... hoarding is the opposite of minimalism). i want to get to a point where i dont want want want. i should only buy things b/c i need it, but like most people i get that high when i buy something new and i go back for more. ADDICTION!!
so since we got rid of so much junk, our spare bedroom is now an organized playroom. it used to be exploding with crap piled up. you could not walk in there... seriously. i organized the closet with hazels toys into different sections for music, dress up, cars, art, books organized by holiday and season, and future toys organized by age. i still need to minimize junk in our only storage closet so i have room for hazels bigger toys for rotation times. (side note, i think you can minimize toys, but i think its okay to have enough to rotate that your child will use. if its something you use, you keep it!) im anxious to get it all done now, but i have to remember its a process. im not getting much else done lately b/c im so busy running to salvation army with loads of junk. im going to try to start following these minimalists challenges to slow myself down but still be active in the process.
goals for the future:
- i eventually would like to have no dressers in our rooms. we each have a WHOLE closet. i could put a little bin in there for socks and underwear and you'd be good to go.
- id like to get rid of all dvds and most furniture in our back large family room.
- id love to have no cable and just do netflix, but hubby doesn't like this idea b/c he cant watch bama football. anyone know how you can just watch a few of these channels when needed through any special programming?
- one car would be cool, but i dont know if thats really realistic.
- possibly going back to a non smart phone!!! crazy, right? how can i live without instagram... that will be hard.
some people think im crazy. but i honestly think a lot of people want to live like this. enjoy life with less possessions, not consumed by electronics, and more active. if i want it, i should make it happen, right? well im trying to, but i think it will be a long, hard process. we will see if i can get to my goals stated above in a few years.
on to a whole new topic.... MY BABY!!
hazel will be 2 on monday!!! whaaaat! shes definitely becoming a terrible two-er, but such a fun age as well. she loves her new playroom and so many new things to explore. we put an old cd player in there so she can dance and listen to her music. music has always been a big hit with her (along with books). shes been dancing since she could sit up and singing early on. she sings all kinds of songs-ALL of the ABC's plus the ending (now i know my... ), baa baa black sheep, twinkle twinkle, itsy bitsy spider, row row row your boat, seriously every kid song. also some katy perry and what does the fox say. we can blame nana for that ;) oh, she also knows all her colors! including brown, black, and white. shes my little smarty!
she is so much stronger!! we did a mommy and me tumbling class that ended tonight. i was so happy to see her do wheelbarrows and feel her little body so tight and working hard! i think this strength gives her confidence. she has been exploring more, climbing, testing limits! i love it! even though i should be telling her to get down, i just giggle and say be careful. its so neat to see her so bright eyed in excitement of something new!
speaking of our little sweetie... as of friday, she will officially be our only child!! well let's hope now that all the baby stuff is gone! i just have to convince hub to go back 2 times to check and make sure that it really worked. stubborn hubby. but i am so excited to be a small little family and move on with life.
life is good right now. i feel so wonderful. motivated, mostly stress free, and excited about life. couldn't ask for much more right now :)
Friday, September 20, 2013
becoming a minimalist....ish
ive always got some new plan on how to make life better. lately ive been purging all electronic toys and buying hazel toys that she can use her imagination with, along with creating activities to do out of natural materials. birthday and christmas will be fun!
but this week ive come across information on how to become a minimalist. it sounds like an awesome idea! but hard to achieve at the extreme level that some people are. these people have 5 shirts, 5 pairs of pants, and a couple pairs of shoes. usually no dressers in the bedroom or side tables in the living rooms. minimizing these things are proven to relieve stress b/c you have less maintenance, cleaning, and just liberating to live simply!
im realizing the more i read there is no right way to become a minimalist. do what works for you. it doesnt mean dressing or living like you are poor, but if you buy something new, toss out something old. stop letting things pile up. i will probably downsize some of my decor even though i dont have much to start with. and as many of you know, i love shopping and clothes.... especially for hazel. today i was able to purge more than half my clothes and shoes. i dont know how i will do this with hazels stuff though. im just starting small and moving my life into simplicity. i think i will fall in between a organizer and minimalist. i am doing this to mostly get organized and yes to feel like i dont always NEED NEED NEED.
since my last pregnancy loss, my shopping has been out of control. ive been justifying hazel having so many new things b/c we are not having to pay for another child in daycare and other expenses. its getting me into trouble! i was reading a blog and it was talking about people shopping b/c it gives you a high and then you just keep doing it to feel good. and it does feel so good :) i love fashion shows after a day of shopping! addiction!
so im trying to be realistic... i know i cannot NOT shop for a year like these people commit to. but i am making a conscience effort to shop less and more with a purpose when i do. purge a lot of things that we have not used for a long time. and live a little simpler in little ways. i may be back in a month and say i totally failed, but at least im making the effort at something positive.
but this week ive come across information on how to become a minimalist. it sounds like an awesome idea! but hard to achieve at the extreme level that some people are. these people have 5 shirts, 5 pairs of pants, and a couple pairs of shoes. usually no dressers in the bedroom or side tables in the living rooms. minimizing these things are proven to relieve stress b/c you have less maintenance, cleaning, and just liberating to live simply!
im realizing the more i read there is no right way to become a minimalist. do what works for you. it doesnt mean dressing or living like you are poor, but if you buy something new, toss out something old. stop letting things pile up. i will probably downsize some of my decor even though i dont have much to start with. and as many of you know, i love shopping and clothes.... especially for hazel. today i was able to purge more than half my clothes and shoes. i dont know how i will do this with hazels stuff though. im just starting small and moving my life into simplicity. i think i will fall in between a organizer and minimalist. i am doing this to mostly get organized and yes to feel like i dont always NEED NEED NEED.
since my last pregnancy loss, my shopping has been out of control. ive been justifying hazel having so many new things b/c we are not having to pay for another child in daycare and other expenses. its getting me into trouble! i was reading a blog and it was talking about people shopping b/c it gives you a high and then you just keep doing it to feel good. and it does feel so good :) i love fashion shows after a day of shopping! addiction!
so im trying to be realistic... i know i cannot NOT shop for a year like these people commit to. but i am making a conscience effort to shop less and more with a purpose when i do. purge a lot of things that we have not used for a long time. and live a little simpler in little ways. i may be back in a month and say i totally failed, but at least im making the effort at something positive.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Holshousers-party of 3!
so the last time i posted (not the one i posted 5 minutes ago of course) i was pretty devastated to end my days of pregnancy on a bad note. after a few weeks of more soul searching and many, many discussions, i am feeling really good about the idea of hazel being our one and only child (here on earth). i feel like there are so many reasons in our lives to be done. obviously recurrent miscarriage being the main reason, but im also realizing its very important to my mental health. my main priority currently is getting all my anxiety and depression under control that has taken over me the past 10 years. trying to conceive makes me more anxious and depressed, i hold back from working out which is really important, and i cannot take certain medication (or i dont want to) if i could possibly be pregnant. ive also realized just having a child makes me so much more anxious and stressed some days. adding another for me would probably cause me to take my stress out on hazel or tyson, which makes none of our lives better. why would i want to do that? plus things that make me feel great are traveling, being outdoors and on adventures with my fam, and my relaxation time i get each night when haze goes to bed! some people can do all these things with 2 or more kids.... me, not so much. i was really hard on myself through the baby stage and im not sure its a great idea to go back. im realizing how each person is different in what they can handle. honestly im proud of myself for realizing what is best for my family and me and not making a choice mostly based just on what everyone else does. of course there is still part of me that wants to be able to handle a big family, but i cant and thats okay. ill spoil all my nieces and nephews and hazel will be close with them. we are still very upset about all our losses but keep feeling like maybe its happening for a reason. maybe i needed more time to think and i was so masked by the need to get pregnant again and show my body i can do it. maybe not. i really dont know. but i do know that right now im very happy with our decision to have our little family of 3!
21 months
so yeah im not great on updating all the new things haze is doing to my blog like i mean to. i think about it often but dont take time to sit down and do it. honestly im not feeling motivated much right now, but i feel like i need to. so this may be short and im sure ill forget so much.
last month hazel seemed to have quite the attitude... i know most would say she always does. its really not true. she is just nervous and very observant around people. the last month was a lot worse though b/c tysons brother came to visit and my family did as well all at the same time. she began telling anyone NO who got near her and tried to say hi. this lasted probably a good 3 weeks. right into old settlers where we see so many people who say, 'ooooh my isn't she just a doll!!!' and hazel replies with 'NO!!!' at first i was so embarrassed and trying to correct her. after a few weeks i realized me making a big deal of it and in so many words telling her 'no', it was just happening more. so i stopped. i could tell people kinda judged that i was letting my kid be rude maybe, but i just apologized and said shes going through a scared phase. after all, as an SLP im happy she is communicating and thinking about things. new people are scary and at 1 1/2 she doesnt know if im leaving her with them or why they are at our house. when i stopped stressing about it, it stopped. its nice to be back to my little sweetie pie. and im still learning that its okay that shes shy, reluctant, and sensitive. hub said he was this same way as a kid. he turned out wonderful :)
other new things she is doing... well this is new, but i guess more advanced-singing. she sings soooo many songs. and has so many words right i cant believe it. for my bday in july i was so surprised when she chimed in with tyce to sing happy birthday and she did for him yesterday too. i hear her on the monitor in the morning singing A, B, C, D, E, F, G... then after that i think she starts singing twinkle twinkle. im so impressed. we really do not 'work' on things. tyson sings to her in the bathtub and we do other times but im sure most of it comes from daycare. im so happy she loves it there.
really in general her speech and language is fantastic. she says 3-5 word sentences and repeats anything you say... not always great. she amazes me with what she knows.
books, books, books. hazel loves books. she always has since a very young age. but lately, its ALL she wants to do. she has seriously not touched a toy in her toy basket in over a week. i know this sounds weird but tonight i was questioning if something was wrong. i mean its an obsession. all she wants to do is read! girlfriend, PLAY!!!!! i still feel like missing out on the exploratory stage around 6-12 months somewhat affected her play skills. she does pretend play which is advanced, but she doesnt like to play independently a lot and shes not getting into things and being creative with random things! (carrie, advice please) she would rather us be there with her showing her what to do. we try to give her opportunities to play on her own but it usually doesn't last too long... unless its with books :) but i know a bookworm is a good thing!
in the area of gross motor, haze has made a lot of improvements this past month. a few weeks ago i noticed the slip through (her arms raising up when you pick her up under her armpits) disappearing!! remember this should be gone after the first few months of life. honestly we kind of haven't been working on too much therapy wise b/c it didn't seem to help and i thought it would just always be that way. but i guess it just improved on its own suddenly! she still feels very heavy to carry but i do believe her core is improving. but of course when shes worn out shes less likely to help. but i have noticed recently she can lay back by putting her arms behind her, then down to her elbows, then all the way down. yay!!!! this is helping her to not fall back as much! relief!! also, her little toddler waddle has disappeared. she walks and runs like a big girl on a mission. its so cute to see, but shes growing into a little girl so fast!
finally, this week we decided to potty train. she was showing a lot of readiness signs so we went with it! she has been doing really well! on her first day to daycare after only 3 days of training she only had 1 accident and her teachers said it was their fault b/c they were busy. today she had more accidents at daycare but i think there were different teachers that maybe didnt know all the mommy tricks like her teacher yesterday. we will see how the next 3 days at home goes and hopefully when she returns to daycare next week things will go even better. i love when she goes potty she stands up and says 'yay big girl, hazie. daddys a boy. potty treat!' her little voice when she says 'big girl' is pretty much the cutest thing ive ever heard.
okay so wow i thought that would be short but i guess not. im sure there is a lot i left out but this is our almost 2 year old's update :)
last month hazel seemed to have quite the attitude... i know most would say she always does. its really not true. she is just nervous and very observant around people. the last month was a lot worse though b/c tysons brother came to visit and my family did as well all at the same time. she began telling anyone NO who got near her and tried to say hi. this lasted probably a good 3 weeks. right into old settlers where we see so many people who say, 'ooooh my isn't she just a doll!!!' and hazel replies with 'NO!!!' at first i was so embarrassed and trying to correct her. after a few weeks i realized me making a big deal of it and in so many words telling her 'no', it was just happening more. so i stopped. i could tell people kinda judged that i was letting my kid be rude maybe, but i just apologized and said shes going through a scared phase. after all, as an SLP im happy she is communicating and thinking about things. new people are scary and at 1 1/2 she doesnt know if im leaving her with them or why they are at our house. when i stopped stressing about it, it stopped. its nice to be back to my little sweetie pie. and im still learning that its okay that shes shy, reluctant, and sensitive. hub said he was this same way as a kid. he turned out wonderful :)
other new things she is doing... well this is new, but i guess more advanced-singing. she sings soooo many songs. and has so many words right i cant believe it. for my bday in july i was so surprised when she chimed in with tyce to sing happy birthday and she did for him yesterday too. i hear her on the monitor in the morning singing A, B, C, D, E, F, G... then after that i think she starts singing twinkle twinkle. im so impressed. we really do not 'work' on things. tyson sings to her in the bathtub and we do other times but im sure most of it comes from daycare. im so happy she loves it there.
really in general her speech and language is fantastic. she says 3-5 word sentences and repeats anything you say... not always great. she amazes me with what she knows.
books, books, books. hazel loves books. she always has since a very young age. but lately, its ALL she wants to do. she has seriously not touched a toy in her toy basket in over a week. i know this sounds weird but tonight i was questioning if something was wrong. i mean its an obsession. all she wants to do is read! girlfriend, PLAY!!!!! i still feel like missing out on the exploratory stage around 6-12 months somewhat affected her play skills. she does pretend play which is advanced, but she doesnt like to play independently a lot and shes not getting into things and being creative with random things! (carrie, advice please) she would rather us be there with her showing her what to do. we try to give her opportunities to play on her own but it usually doesn't last too long... unless its with books :) but i know a bookworm is a good thing!
in the area of gross motor, haze has made a lot of improvements this past month. a few weeks ago i noticed the slip through (her arms raising up when you pick her up under her armpits) disappearing!! remember this should be gone after the first few months of life. honestly we kind of haven't been working on too much therapy wise b/c it didn't seem to help and i thought it would just always be that way. but i guess it just improved on its own suddenly! she still feels very heavy to carry but i do believe her core is improving. but of course when shes worn out shes less likely to help. but i have noticed recently she can lay back by putting her arms behind her, then down to her elbows, then all the way down. yay!!!! this is helping her to not fall back as much! relief!! also, her little toddler waddle has disappeared. she walks and runs like a big girl on a mission. its so cute to see, but shes growing into a little girl so fast!
finally, this week we decided to potty train. she was showing a lot of readiness signs so we went with it! she has been doing really well! on her first day to daycare after only 3 days of training she only had 1 accident and her teachers said it was their fault b/c they were busy. today she had more accidents at daycare but i think there were different teachers that maybe didnt know all the mommy tricks like her teacher yesterday. we will see how the next 3 days at home goes and hopefully when she returns to daycare next week things will go even better. i love when she goes potty she stands up and says 'yay big girl, hazie. daddys a boy. potty treat!' her little voice when she says 'big girl' is pretty much the cutest thing ive ever heard.
okay so wow i thought that would be short but i guess not. im sure there is a lot i left out but this is our almost 2 year old's update :)
Saturday, August 3, 2013
my only child
since our recent miscarriage we have had many heated discussions about trying for another baby. tyson is absolutely 100% against it. im just heartbroken by this news b/c i feel we should try again. let me just start with saying i TOTALLY understand where he is coming from. he's tired of seeing his child on the u/s with a beautiful beating heart and then going back to the next u/s in high spirits and hopeful, and it turning into the darkest day ever. he's tired of sending me off to surgery to have our dead baby removed from me and worrying that i may hemorrhage again and not make it this time. he's tired of seeing me sad, exhausted, and heartbroken too. i get it all. but in a mother's heart you always want more living, beautiful babies to hold. its not fair. we got pregnant by surprise which is so exciting! but since it was by surprise, i wasn't on meds to help me carry the baby. now i feel like my final chance is ripped away from me. if i could just have one more chance with all the right meds that helped hazel to be here today i swear i would be done after that. of course if he agreed i would probably try a million more times to have a baby here with us but he doesn't want to. im just asking for one.more.try.
i know people are just trying to be helpful but they say 'oh it will happen when you least expect it.' yes i know this! it has! its not a good thing! i need to have everything in order before i get pregnant to make sure baby will stick. unfortunately i got pregnant without knowing. i lost a baby and a best friend from the deal (which is a whole 'nother story).
id like to stay hopeful that he will change his mind in time. but i know he feels very strongly about it. i would rather know now anyways than being hopeful he will change his mind in a few years and be let down then. i want to deal and move on.
i also want to say i know my sweet hazel is a blessing. when we were having miscarriages years ago i just wished at least for one baby. i couldn't be happier. i know there was a high chance of us not having any children. tyson wanted to be done right before we tried for hazel. i think he knew i would be truly insane if i did not have a child. all ive ever wanted is to be a great wife and mom. and i am that. i couldnt be more thankful for what i have. i think i just never really pictured her being an only child though. i have to get all the what if's out of my head: what if something happened to our only child, what if something happened to both of us, what if shes upset she has no siblings, what if shes lonely.... this list goes on forever. trust me. i am trying to focus on all the blessings i have right now, quit comparing my family to others, and look at all the positives of having one, which surprisingly im seeing are a lot!!
i think im just thinking like majority of people do- that you just don't have ONE kid. well we do now. we have one fucking awesome kid. i know im her mom, but i truly think shes a really amazing person. sweet, caring, loving, beautiful, happy, funny, joyous, smart baby girl.
(sorry some of the post was graphic, but its how i feel and real life. deal with it.)
i know people are just trying to be helpful but they say 'oh it will happen when you least expect it.' yes i know this! it has! its not a good thing! i need to have everything in order before i get pregnant to make sure baby will stick. unfortunately i got pregnant without knowing. i lost a baby and a best friend from the deal (which is a whole 'nother story).
id like to stay hopeful that he will change his mind in time. but i know he feels very strongly about it. i would rather know now anyways than being hopeful he will change his mind in a few years and be let down then. i want to deal and move on.
i also want to say i know my sweet hazel is a blessing. when we were having miscarriages years ago i just wished at least for one baby. i couldn't be happier. i know there was a high chance of us not having any children. tyson wanted to be done right before we tried for hazel. i think he knew i would be truly insane if i did not have a child. all ive ever wanted is to be a great wife and mom. and i am that. i couldnt be more thankful for what i have. i think i just never really pictured her being an only child though. i have to get all the what if's out of my head: what if something happened to our only child, what if something happened to both of us, what if shes upset she has no siblings, what if shes lonely.... this list goes on forever. trust me. i am trying to focus on all the blessings i have right now, quit comparing my family to others, and look at all the positives of having one, which surprisingly im seeing are a lot!!
i think im just thinking like majority of people do- that you just don't have ONE kid. well we do now. we have one fucking awesome kid. i know im her mom, but i truly think shes a really amazing person. sweet, caring, loving, beautiful, happy, funny, joyous, smart baby girl.
(sorry some of the post was graphic, but its how i feel and real life. deal with it.)
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