and the results are in...

it is definitely a blighted ovum. the gestational sac grew since last week but still no yolk sac or fetal pole. so i will stop the progesterone tonight and hopefully that will make me miscarry by the weekend but it may not. they never checked my progesterone to see if i actually have low levels; they just put me on it b/c i had 2 m/c and it doesn't hurt anything to take it. so if i do actually have low levels or maybe just from the fast withdraw of progesterone, i should m/c naturally. if i don't in 2 weeks, i go back to see her and they put me on medicine to dilate and contract the uterus. my appointment with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is in 3 weeks and she obviously wants me to be back to normal so they can go forward with testing, etc. she agrees with me not wanting to do a d&c, but she didn't exactly say at what point they would make me get one. so lets pray we won't even have to think about that.

***oh i forgot to add in this post earlier that i do have a tilted uterus they forgot to tell me about for the past 10 years, but she looked every which way to make sure there was no baby hiding. they said my cervix faces the wrong way but it shouldn't hurt anything, besides bad back pain in early pregnancy which i had with all 3. its common to have a tilted uterus, but usually they tell you during a routine vaginal examination. whoops they forgot to tell me i guess!

so now for a list of positives to look on the bright side :)

-i took off the "diaper"! yay for no more progesterone suppositories!

-i had a java chip frap today! yummo!

-i can get back to running and maybe sign up for a race this spring/summer to aim for

-i can have a beer if i would like

-hmmm ill keep thinking of more!

1 more bitching post for the day

i just vented to my mom about my situation with people always putting in their 2 cents! and she informed me that a family member came into her work today and my mom said told her she was off tomorrow to take me to a dr appt (this family member doesn't know about this current m/c, but I guess she assumed what was going on). the family member said "wasn't she supposed to wait 3 months to get pregnant!" My mom didn't respond but just turned the other way to this rude comment. This same person after my first m/c never ever gave any sympathy but said, "well you shouldn't test that early. you wouldn't have known you had a m/c if you wouldn't have tested!" b/c I was late for my period.... that is usually an indication!! i love my family, but why put in your negative comments! especially when I'm crying or going through a really hard time!! wow today is full of fun-ness!

p.s.

I just also wanted to say that of course we are praying for a miracle tomorrow! Maybe I have an extremely tilted uterus that they have forgot to mention the past 10 years of my life and the baby is hiding in there. misdiagnosedmiscarriages.com gives you hope, but at the same time, I wanna be realistic and be prepared! if there is only a 5 week old baby in there, it is immaculate conception! :)

ahhhhhhhhh

So you know there are just a few of those people who always want to be putting in their comments and telling you what you should be doing!!! F-ing pisses me off!! I'm shaking right now! I know she is trying to be kind, but seriously you are way to overbearing for me right now! This is tidbits of our conversation:

her: "so and so are pregnant" me: "yeah I know" (thanks by the way for calling to tell me that right now) her: "you know they have been going to a fertility specialist for a long time too" me: "yeah I know. shes also in her 30's, has been trying for awhile, and had a m/c" her: "okay so you keep saying you are counting from the date of your last period/miscarriage. well you didn't conceive then so you aren't counting right" Me: (seriously what the fuck! do you not think I know how this pregnancy stuff works. so I go on to explain to her the 1st 2 weeks you aren't actually pregnant yet blah blah freaking blah) her: "well are you just going in to get a d&c? b/c so and so says you shouldn't do that. they need to do bloodwork and check and make sure!" me: (no shit! my dr isn't dumb!) "yes that is what my appt is for tomorrow" her: "well how are they really gonna check? are you going to ask for a sonogram?" me: "that is what they are doing!!!" I think I blacked out the rest of the conversation from being so angry. Don't take this post the wrong way, I love when some of you give me stories of friends you know that had something done and it was a success or just positive comments. But I absolutely can't stand when someone who hasn't been through this tells you what you should be doing like I haven't thought of everything! Please listen, give advice if I ask for it, but don't tell me whats best for me or question me that I don't know anything about conceiving/pregnancy right now! Seriously!

diagnose me

So, I've been telling my hubby lately that I am scared I have MS. I am not a hypochondriac, but I am a little concerned. Speechies, I definitely need your help! So over a year ago I got glasses b/c my vision was getting bad. She said I needed glasses but it shouldn't get much worse b/c you usually don't begin having vision problems at this age in life. Well guess what?? It is getting worse. Not horrible by any means but we know MS isn't always a fast progressing disease so... I blamed it on my glasses being a crutch for my eyes. Don't know if they would get that bad though in a years time. My second issues is swallowing! I know, pretty scary! So over the past 6 months or so I have been having difficulty with thin liquids and my saliva. Its like I'm lazy/sleepy/slow reaction??? I start to feel when I'm gonna choke. Like it didn't trigger at the right time. And no horrible coughing spells where I can't catch my breath, but definitely watery eyes and coughing. So I don't think I'm aspirating, but gotta be some penetration going on?? And its a little worse on certain days, and other days its not a problem at all. Thats why I haven't went to the dr to get a modified barium swallow or anything b/c I'm sure it would be a good day for me or something. I know they could see if its something structurally, but I'm totally convinced its neurological. ALSO, I'm at the age of onset and I live in a perfect geographic area that has a higher occurrence of the disease. So for my speechies: am I dying or overreacting?

baby blog

so the whole reason I originally created this blog was to hopefully in a month or so begin posting belly bump pictures and sonogram pictures. but as some of you know, I am going through my 3rd loss within 5 months. so this blog will know become my adventures of baby making (I promise not to put in any bedroom details in my blog ;) ). I contemplated putting anything on here about my losses, but isn't this what a blog is for? to vent and put any feeling and thoughts I have out there? besides, why do miscarriages always have to be a shameful or hush hush situation? I really don't know too many people who had miscarriages who are close to me, so maybe my story will help other people who ever have to deal with this horrible loss (I pray it doesn't happen to any of you). so as of right now, it has been a really hard week. I am having a huge pity party and thinking about not only baby losses, but other losses that happened in my life. 4 years ago this week, I lost my loving stepfather to cancer and my sweet great-grandma. 5 years ago in May, I lost my father and grandfather. so how many times have you heard this line: "God won't give you more than you can handle"? I have always been a very religious person, but seriously can someone tell me where that line is of "no more than I can handle"? because I thought I hit that point 5 years ago, and we know it didn't stop there. everyone always tells me I am a really strong person, which in reality I am totally not. Maybe they say that because I haven't COMPLETELY gone off the deep end (although a lot of my close friends have seen moments of it). but a "strong person" doesn't shut off all their feelings and shut off everyone around them because they are to scared to show any emotion. Maybe because I have been told I am so strong, I think I have to live up to whatever strength means by showing no emotion and acting like everything is fine when really it isn't. so this is what my blog is for now; to let my feelings and emotions out. it will be my release when I don't feel like talking to anyone b/c like beth says they want to give you "sunshine and butterfly comments". so true!!!

so now that I got off on my little tangent on my emotional rollercoaster of a blog (again this is what my blog is for I guess), I will give you more details on where we are at with the doctors. also, sorry in advance for any gross details you might not wanna hear, but I believe I only have females following my blog. so next tuesday we go back for a sonogram to make sure our dates aren't 3 weeks off (yeah right, how can you get a positive when you haven't conceived yet). If there is still only a sac then I will get off my progesterone and hopefully my body will do its own thing and we won't have to have a d&c (say prayers). I am pretty sure its already happening though by the spotting I had today, but by the looks of it, it could be old blood from my previous m/c?? who knows what the hell is going on in there? now that we are at our 3rd m/c, insurance will cover tests and for us to see a specialist. she mentioned only 2 drs in springfield so we asked about drs in st. louis and she sounded more positive about a lady down there. so we requested to see the doctor in st. louis. now we have to wait on lovely insurance. mine is pretty good, but tyson's sucks so who knows if they will approve it. so right now it is a waiting game: waiting on insurance, waiting on sonogram #2, and waiting on going through this whole m/c process again (whenever it wants to start). I will try to keep you posted on any new news! keep on praying! thanks!

Dana's weekend plans

If you would like to know what's going on in my boring life, here you go:

Friday-closed on our home loan, then had sushi with anna

Saturday-laid in bed til 10, went to litchfield to pick out floors, shopped at rural king, ate pizza hut, and saw "the green zone", then going to my gmas to play cards with the fam

Sunday-church, lowes with my mother-in-law, then home for chili and more family time

I was supposed to fit cleaning in there somewhere... but hey whats another couple days! I hope everyone is having a fab weekend!