dana's big night in

the last song starring miley cyrus, the Y's garlic salad and toasted rav, and my butt on the couch. perfect!! maybe ill get to the cleaning and packing later. the hub is watching bama roll tide roll and gotta get up very early to get to peoria to spend the night with my Godson and bestie! baptism sunday :) have a wonderful weekend everyone! love!

few pics from gatlinburg

mixed feelings and a bday party

so we had our post op appt friday. everything checked out fine. and i was hoping they didnt get the chromosome tests back yet b/c i didnt want it to ruin our weekend. well they had came in that morning. the results were abnormal. there was an extra chromosome on chromosome 16. also known as a trisomy 16. from what i read, this is incompatible with life. most people miscarry within the first trimester. she said that there is no cause of this and that it just a random fluke. there is a 99% chance that this will not happen again. oooohh i remember when we had our first m/c and our chances were no higher than anyone else of having a m/c so it shouldnt happen again. well 3 more later, here we are!!! my dr was relieved to have an answer to the loss and i like answers too, but of course it makes me sad to think of a little baby with so many problems. so there is no more testing right now. just try again when we have given ourselves some time. her partner was the one who mentioned the bad eggs and bad sperm theory. she acted like no way that could be it. if we have another m/c i will be demanding some eggie and sperm testing. i was hoping the answer from this would have a cause that we could fix. she told me about her losses and teared up which made me feel more comfortable that she understands. she talked about how her and her husband were clinically depressed for a long time. its nice knowing my dr knows how her patients are feeling. i asked if we could do another d&c if i had another m/c to test again, but she said that they were very concerned about my bleeding with my surgery. she said her partner (who did the surgery b/c she was on vaca) was getting very worried about how much blood i was losing. thats why i got the 2 shots in the leg and the 4 pills up the butt. so she said no more d&c's, they wanna stay outta my uterus as much as possible. i didnt think of this while we were there, but tyson said he was worried about if i made it to giving birth to a child i would have the same bleeding problem. i am kinda nervous about that. yikes. soooo anyways back to the story... so i told her i didnt want her to tell me the sex of the baby then, but to write it down and put it in an envelope and i will read it later. so i get dressed and come out and i see an envelope with "male" wrote on the front of it. I was like "is this ours?" she took it away real fast and was like "oh shoot my brain isn't working. did you see what i wrote on there?" i for some reason said no. maybe i didnt want to break down in tears??? so she got a new envelope and put the paper on it and wrote my name on the front and we left. tyce said he didnt see it... i dont know how. but he said i could tell him. so we opened the envelope just to make sure, "male trisomy 16". so much for waiting til another day. i got my cries out then and pulled myself together for the amazing night we had ahead....

soo i wrote on here that i was taking tj away for the night for his bday. that was just in case he read my blog. i have been planning a surprise party for some time now. so this week my mom and i have been preparing all the food for the party and had everything out at the building thursday night. since i had my appt friday, my sis helped and set up everything and was there when people arrived. so we got home from our appt and i packed us a bag for our "surprise trip" and i killed time until i got the okay to bring him to the party. he was confused why we did just leave already and we had to wait around til after 6. i thought he probably knew what was going on, but was just playing along so my feelings werent hurt. so we left the house and then we were driving up to the party i had him open his card so he was looking down reading. then i said shoot i forgot something and turned in. halfway up the hill he recognized vehicles he knew and looked at me like "what the hell did you do." i could tell he was very surprised. we got out to a crowd of friends and family and one loud yell of "SURPRISE"! thanks chad!! then i brought tyson inside the building for a second surprise. he was checking out the food and decorations when someone hiding tapped him on the shoulder.... his mom flew in!!! he just looked at me and said "how did you pull all this off?!" i was crying, his mom was crying, and i think he was just stunned. so we just drank, ate, danced, played yard games, and gathered around the fire the rest of the night! it was the best party ever! my sweet hub absolutely loved it!! we have got to visit with family all weekend and it has just been the best. today my babe is 30!! we are having a wienie roast tonight at my grannys and more family time today.

happy birthday to the most truly amazing man i have ever known. i hope you enjoyed your birthday! you deserve it and more!! i love you more than anything!!

bein sick sucks

here come the aches, the pains, the sore throat, the sniffles... booooo. hopefully it goes away soon. emotionally i have been doing really well lately. trying to stay positive, or maybe its just me kind of shutting off stuff for awhile. physically im feeling good. i think we may have to do bloodwork to see if my hcg is back to 0 before any other tests are done. we have our post op appt this friday so hopefully we will find out some stuff then. although im not ready to find out the sex just yet. i dont want it to ruin our weekend. its tj's bday weekend. im sure he is ready for the dr to give us the okay to have an extra good bday weekend. ha! im taking him on a surprise get away friday night, saturday and sunday (his bday) he works, then monday im hoping just to grill out at home and play some washers or something. buuuuut if im sick all weekend, then my plans might just not work. well i better rest up on the couch so i can get to feeling better. have a wonderful week all! xo

lots of thoughts going through my mind today

and hopefully this is my final post of the day. i just discovered that on our chromosome report, it will tell us the sex of our baby :( i mean i guess i should have known that, but i was thinking more about the cause of our baby not making it. why does this make everything seem more sad? its like it just makes it that much more real that we lost a baby. do we not use the boy or girl name we liked in the future b/c it was meant for this one? do we call this baby by that name? it never got that far into pregnancy that i had thought about all these things. it makes me sad, but i am still curious and feel like i have to find out now. my day has truly been a roller coaster... up... down.... up.... down.

no offfense

but i truly have the best husband in the world!! he lets me go through every emotion and feeling with more understanding than anyone ever could! he understands everything about me and loves me even though im crazy. so that makes me the luckiest girl alive. just thought i would rub it in :)

today is an emotional day

tears have been forming very easily today. i got a call from my specialist and i was tearing up before i even answered. still no news on the chromosome testing of little baby. my friend brought her little newborn into work today so i got to snuggle with him a bit and soon im heading to go see my new little cousin who is 1 day old. so i think that may also contribute to my emotional roller coaster today.

some thoughts going through my head: all of these thoughts about us stopping permanently is weighing heavy on me. i want the drs to tell me something is so wrong that we have to stop for good and i can have an excuse to give up. then the next second i think, but what if next time would have been IT! then the next second i think, but what if next time we think everything is fine and we make it to 20+ weeks and lose baby then. we already have sad memories of all of our losses (my ultrasound pics when we saw and heard baby's heart beating on my night stand). we dont want memories of a baby that we saw or held that we weren't going home with. hub is just so over this baby business and ready to move on with our childless lives. one second im there with him, but the mother in me has some hope that maybe it could happen some day. and now not only do i have horrible fears of having a stillborn, but im petrified that if our child lived they would have so many other disabilities. is all of this worth it? lots of thoughts going through our brains and not happy ones. just sucks that this whole pregnancy experience has hurt us so much and been so much negativity in our lives. 2 years of our lives have been consumed into baby making, pregnancy, and loss (okay the 3rd part was only the bad part). for now we are just excited to get back to our lives for awhile and focus on ourselves. although, i wish i knew if it was for good or only temporary. hopefully our visit next friday will give us some idea of that.