baby blog

so the whole reason I originally created this blog was to hopefully in a month or so begin posting belly bump pictures and sonogram pictures. but as some of you know, I am going through my 3rd loss within 5 months. so this blog will know become my adventures of baby making (I promise not to put in any bedroom details in my blog ;) ). I contemplated putting anything on here about my losses, but isn't this what a blog is for? to vent and put any feeling and thoughts I have out there? besides, why do miscarriages always have to be a shameful or hush hush situation? I really don't know too many people who had miscarriages who are close to me, so maybe my story will help other people who ever have to deal with this horrible loss (I pray it doesn't happen to any of you). so as of right now, it has been a really hard week. I am having a huge pity party and thinking about not only baby losses, but other losses that happened in my life. 4 years ago this week, I lost my loving stepfather to cancer and my sweet great-grandma. 5 years ago in May, I lost my father and grandfather. so how many times have you heard this line: "God won't give you more than you can handle"? I have always been a very religious person, but seriously can someone tell me where that line is of "no more than I can handle"? because I thought I hit that point 5 years ago, and we know it didn't stop there. everyone always tells me I am a really strong person, which in reality I am totally not. Maybe they say that because I haven't COMPLETELY gone off the deep end (although a lot of my close friends have seen moments of it). but a "strong person" doesn't shut off all their feelings and shut off everyone around them because they are to scared to show any emotion. Maybe because I have been told I am so strong, I think I have to live up to whatever strength means by showing no emotion and acting like everything is fine when really it isn't. so this is what my blog is for now; to let my feelings and emotions out. it will be my release when I don't feel like talking to anyone b/c like beth says they want to give you "sunshine and butterfly comments". so true!!!

so now that I got off on my little tangent on my emotional rollercoaster of a blog (again this is what my blog is for I guess), I will give you more details on where we are at with the doctors. also, sorry in advance for any gross details you might not wanna hear, but I believe I only have females following my blog. so next tuesday we go back for a sonogram to make sure our dates aren't 3 weeks off (yeah right, how can you get a positive when you haven't conceived yet). If there is still only a sac then I will get off my progesterone and hopefully my body will do its own thing and we won't have to have a d&c (say prayers). I am pretty sure its already happening though by the spotting I had today, but by the looks of it, it could be old blood from my previous m/c?? who knows what the hell is going on in there? now that we are at our 3rd m/c, insurance will cover tests and for us to see a specialist. she mentioned only 2 drs in springfield so we asked about drs in st. louis and she sounded more positive about a lady down there. so we requested to see the doctor in st. louis. now we have to wait on lovely insurance. mine is pretty good, but tyson's sucks so who knows if they will approve it. so right now it is a waiting game: waiting on insurance, waiting on sonogram #2, and waiting on going through this whole m/c process again (whenever it wants to start). I will try to keep you posted on any new news! keep on praying! thanks!